There is no reason to watch Smackdown. For confirmation of this, please reference this week’s Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report, the Internet’s only resource for (1) knowing what happens on Friday, and (2) having SERIOUS BUSINESS opinions about what happens on Friday without having to actually watch what happens on Friday.
Please join us on Monday for Raw, which will be whatever this is in a slightly different order, and again NEXT Friday, for a watered down version of that Raw. No, I don’t know why they keep doing it like this.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
- Remember on Monday when they took 17 minutes to set up a six-man tag? Remember how Big Show and Mark Henry have beaten up the Wyatt Family on every show for the last three weeks? Put those two concepts together and you’ve got this week’s Smackdown open, which is John Cena explaining how NOBODY THINKS HE CAN OVERCOME THESE ODDS* and being interrupted by nine people. That sounds like a joke, but … no, that’s what happens.
*(everybody thinks he can overcome those odds)
- Dolph Ziggler defeated Cesaro. If they can get more than two minutes to work, this could be worth watching. Sheamus was on color commentary to further the issue between he and Cesaro and build their United States title match at Night of Champions, which I guess “Cesaro losing to Dolph Ziggler clean in a free TV curtain-jerker” also did?
- Stardust and Goldust cut a promo on The Usos. God, I hope the payoff to this is the Rhodes Brothers capturing the Usos, imprisoning them in that dark room like it’s the Phantom Zone and a month of promos about how the Usos need to find the “cosmic key.”
- Jimmy Uso defeated Heath Slater. Total bullshit.
- Lana and Rusev attempted to cut a promo but were interrupted by Mark Henry, who continues to LOVE AMERICA A LOT. I hope the payoff to this is Henry losing at Night of Champions, followed by a somber video package of little black kids solemnly googling “Vladimir Putin.”
- Brie Bella vs. Paige ended via Divas Nonsense. AJ Lee and Nikki Bella were on commentary, which I hope involves a bunch of stories about how Brie once found out how to clone dinosaurs and tried to build an amusement park on an island, but everything went wrong and a bunch of people got eaten, and how Nikki’s never told anyone until now. Everyone starts fighting, and WWE referees are now instructed to instantly throw up their hands in frustration and throw everything out if more than two women are mad at once.
- Bo Dallas defeated Zack Ryder. All you have to do is Woo-lieve.
- John Cena, Roman Reigns, Chris Jericho, Mark Henry and The Show vs. Bray Wyatt, Erick Rowan, Luke Harper, Kane and Seth Rollins ended in a no contest. Hey WWE, next time you put 10 people in a tag team main event and write in “no contest” for the finish, consider not having a contest. The match ends with the babyfaces overpowering the heels and running them off, because
1. Kane is easier to defeat than Arthur Rosenburg and Stan Stansky
2. The Wyatt Family are about as threatening as the Spirit Squad
3. Seth Rollins “took out” Dean Ambrose, clearing a path for him to do whatever he wants whenever he wants without interruption, and he’s chose “lose a bunch of multi-man tags that end with John Cena emasculating me.”
Next week: John Cena continues to prevail en route to his 16th championship and still won’t shut up about how nobody believes in him.
Please consider commenting below so we can at least get SOME enjoyment out of all of this.