LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU AND YOUR LAME KALE JOKES AUSTIN ARIES ALL I HEAR IS MY HEART SINGING FOR TAJIRI LA LA LA
Best: But no, for real, Tajiri
Okay, so this weekend I saw Mötley Crüe. I’ve never sen them live before, but if there’s one thing I love unabashedly that also happens to be full of misogyny and the shittiest people on the planet, it’s wrestling. The second thing is what most people refer to as hair metal. I listened to a lot of different, definitely not age-appropriate things as a kid, but I was super into Gun ‘n’ Roses, Cinderella, et al. My dad had this bog box of cassingles, and I would drag it out into the living room and play tape after tape, sometimes rewinding and listening to the same ones over and over. Fun aside: I remember the packaging and clear cassingle for the Humpty Dance the most vividly because I was forbidden to listen to it, even if I wouldn’t figure out why not until years later. Anyways, one of the cassingles I played the most was Doctor Feelgood. Now, my opinions on Nikki Sixx and the two who aren’t Mick Mars are super strong, and the show itself was a bit all over the place at times, but as soon as Mick started into the Doctor Feelgood solo I was transported back to every time I had listened to that song. Being way too young and sneaking off to listen to rock music and read Alan Moore comics because I was a complicated child. Road trips on sunny days with the wondows down and the CD player as loud as possible. It was everything that’s good about that feeling of nostalgia I’m constantly talking about in regards to a show who refuses to give that up.
That, for me, is what it’s like to watch Tajiri. It’s watching VHS tapes of his matches against Super Crazy and falling in love with the great parts of ECW. It’s being sad and putting on one of those matches and forgetting everything because they just make me happy. It’s the relief in talking to friends who have wrestled him and finding out he’s not a terrible guy.
That’s the dead horse TNA keeps beating, but I’d be a liar if I said they hadn’t gotten me with this one.
Worst: Tazz, again, always and forever
Speaking of Mötley Crüe, can we talk about how Tazz likening Rhino to a rhino is like Nikki Sixx rhyming ass with ass?
Worst: It’s happening, and I’m still not ready, or Best: Everything makes sense so that nothing hurts
I’m still entirely mystified by people who don’t love Spud and EC3. While Spud got off to a rocky start when he first showed up, still trying to be his British Bootcamp dbag character and failing spectacularly at everything, EC3 has remained consistent in his personality since his debut. Spud blossomed under the Carters, and from the inception of their friendship until now hasn’t wavered in doing anything that doesn’t remain true to who he is. Even when he sensed that Dixie would be unseated, and was briefly tempted to abandon her for the winning side, it was still in keeping with a wormy assistant’s sense of self-preservation. Both of them are telling a story that has outlasted anyone else’s: Magnus is apparently on TV, but you wouldn’t notice if you were looking right at him. Dixie is at home nursing a broken back. MVP has moved on. Kurt Angle remembers that he hates them sometimes, but without his notes probably couldn’t say why. Jeff Hardy is like WELP OKAY GUESS I’M NOT WILLOW ANYMORE BETTER LEASE THAT SHACK TO JAMES STORM AND NEVER ASK WHY EVER. If the Joseph Park narrative was a thing to celebrate (up until it’s untimely demise at the hands of Vince Russo and terrible decision making on the part of everyone involved), then this is glorious. I’m sad all over that EC3 is punishing Spud and using his recently spurned ex-employee to do it, but the story is still moving forward.
A lot of what detracts from TNA is the storytelling. Like, okay. What’s going on with Crazzy Steve? Are they still trying to raise money for the carnival? What about those people who were threatening the Menagerie out of nowhere? Why is he the only one wrestling when The Freak looks like he could clear through just about anyone? Did he go back to his job at Arby’s? And why was he so excited to see Dixie Carter go through a table? The same Dixie Carter who presumably gave him a job, and also didn’t fire him after seeing him wrestle? If anything, she flat out ignored him and just let him wrestle and do his own thing. If your name is Crazzy Steve, you should probably be thankful for any job opportunity you get. Why is Crazzy Steve such an enigma? Shouldn’t someone who wrestles on television that often be a little more developed, or connected to their origin story, or at the very least be in some way connected to those around them? And what about Tigre Uno? I know he’s a kitty, but why is that literally all I know about him? Every week we watch matches with no story or logic behind them, or we watch terrible stories that are incongruous to past events and go why, whyyyyy, whyyyyyyyyy is this happening? In this instance, you know why. Their words and actions have meaning. They are connected to each other, and referential of things that have happened around them.
Oh my god just like EC3 and Spud already, jeez.
Worst: Bobby Lashley and Samoa Joe
There are…a lot of Worsts in here. Its slow. It’s sad. The set ups take too long and the executions are shoddy. It’s just not a good match. The very worst part though, is Kenny King.
I just don’t understand what they’re doing. I’ve mentioned over and over how Lashley can and has defended cleanly. Kenny King runs in for the distraction AGAIN, but it has no bearing on the actual outcome of the match. Lashley has been built up into a monster, but now they’re realizing that when someone says someone else doesn’t deserve a championship, they should probably do something to make that true? And Lashley’s not even mad at it. If I were built like Bobby Lashley, I would probably look pretty hilarious. I would also take hella umbrage at the idea that I needed help to beat up anybody.
So where does this go? If they wanted to continue the feud with Samoa Joe, they could have had the distraction be the reason for the pinfall. But it wasn’t. They can break up Kenny King and Bobby Lashley because King is so “hot-headed,” but Lashley is non-plussed. Now he has to face Bobby Roode in a match they’ve already had. Why not take it further? Just open challenge every night. Bring out Abyss. Bring out Gunner. Bring out the kitty or the Freak or one of the stilt walkers. Bring out Mike from accounting. *whispers into the ether* Bring out Jessicka Havok. Bring out anyone and everyone. Prove that he can barrel through anything you throw at him and remain an unstoppable beast. If you’re told that he doesn’t deserve to be champion over and over and over, when he loses it’ll be the easiest thing in the world to shrug it off and say yeah man, that dude sucked, of course he lost.
Or I dunno, ask EC3 what he would do. He seems to be pretty good at this stuff.