Summer’s now over yet!
Keep smiling Nattie. Keep smiling so they can’t see your pain.
Worst: The Longest Rosa Mendes Match, uh, Ever?
Ay papi, what the hell happened to Rosa Mendes? She’s got the legs of a 60-year-old on the bottom, giant mom boobs on the top and she moves around with the grace and confidence of 2014 Hulk Hogan. She looks unhealthy — I’m afraid every move is going to break her. This is what I imagine Ashley Massaro looks like now. Wait, [squints]…is that Ashley Massaro?
Anyways, yeah, this match went for five minutes and Rosa was in there for most of them. Five minutes. Felt like 30. You can see the wheels turning in Rosa’s head between every…single…move — what do I do now? Oh God, oh God, now what? She can’t even steal a tag properly. Rosa reaches out to blind tag Natalya who’s literally a foot away, somehow misses her twice, gets in anyway, then immediately grabs Nattie by the shoulder, reversing the tag, and everyone is just “whatever, try to walk two steps in that direction so Layla can kick you and end this farce”.
Main Event Status: Well, Rosa did wear a raincoat covered in pink flames to the ring, sooooo, this still gets nothing, but at least I’m not doing negative points.
Best: Dust Bros. vs. Los Matadores
The Dusts vs. Matadores was a solid tag match, but the most remarkable thing this segment was the surprisingly competent commentary. Byron Saxton actually made some good points about the Rhodes heel turn (you call them bizarre a dozen times per match, so why do you expect them to follow the rules?) and instead of just aw c’mon-ing him to death, Cole actually admitted it made sense. Cole also, in the clearest terms I’ve heard expressed on WWE TV in a long time, explained the benefit of winning a championship in the company. Now try doing this all the time, guys.
Back to the match, it started out a bit slow, with Lost Matadores in chops and headlocks mode and the audience not really getting the Dusts are supposed to be bad guys now, but it picked up nicely towards the end. I’m definitely a fan of angry Goldust — like a mini painted Mark Henry he is.
Main Event Status: I don’t want angry Goldust to bark something at me, so I’ll go higher than I really should and give this a 20%.
Final Main Event Tally: The matches themselves don’t add up to much, but the Miz TV segment was better than every good thing on Raw combined, so this episode gets a hearty bonus. This was a solid 75% show. Jesus, that Rosa match.