Worst: It’s A Kissing Contest, And Quick, Guess What The Joke Is
From NXT season 2, episode 9:
As you know if you’ve been following along (or watched too much SciFi channel four years ago), NXT is built around a series of asinine challenges that are supposed to reveal who the “best” rookies are, but mostly just make everyone look like idiotic assholes. One of the finest of these challenges is the legendary Kissing Contest, a bit so grand they did it several more times. Let me put it to you this way … if I said “WWE had a kissing contest,” what would you THINK would happen? If you said “they’d bring out someone fat and ugly and everyone would act embarrassed about having to kiss someone gross,” congratulations, you are aware of WWE’s Board of 5-Year Old Directors.
If the joke in the male kissing contest was an overweight lady with a unibrow and food on her face, what’s the joke for the Divas version? You’ve got three guesses, and two of them are “Hornswoggle.” Note: guess three would’ve been “The Great Khali.”
Here are your official With Spandex NXT season 3 kissing contest power rankings:
Aksana is excused from the kissing contest because she’s getting married IN LIKE HALF AN HOUR, so she defaults to last place. It’s interesting, though, that WWE respects the sanctity of an arranged green-card marriage and doesn’t want “was forced to kiss a rapey leprechaun” to cause problems.
Creative note: only 2 of the 5 women actually participate in the kissing contest. Again, this takes almost 15 minutes.
Maxine refuses to kiss Hornswoggle, pie-facing him and shooing him out of the ring. This becomes important later, believe it or not. Hornswoggle’s replacement is Dashing Cody Rhodes, but Maxine won’t kiss him either. She holds out her hand and makes Cody kiss it. The only place for MAXINE is ON TOP, or whatever. Somewhere in the darkness, Michael McGillicutty throws down his light beer and yells, “I RUBBED MY CROTCH ON A FAT LADY’S STOMACH AND LICKED MARINARA SAUCE OFF HER FACE AND YOU CAN’T KISS CODY RHODES?? COME ON.”
Two weeks after being able to identify Cody Rhodes’ torso without prompting, Naomi puts her hand in his face and says she wouldn’t kiss him if he was “the last man on Earth.” This draws a chorus of boos. Cody explains that he’s okay with this, because Naomi’s butt is too big and he didn’t want to kiss her anyway. It’s a good comeback, I guess, but also total bullshit, because look at his wife.
The announce team is audibly upset every time Naomi talks now, so that could explain why she was a mute dancer for the next three years.
Kaitlyn gets a raw deal here, having to kiss two people AND having Striker make creepy “heh, s’not like you’ve never kissed two people in the same night” jokes. On top of that, she kisses Hornswoggle about 30 seconds after Striker’s clarified that Horny must judge the winner based on who makes him feel the most “happy inside.” Yes folks, it’s the BONER INDUCEMENT CHALLENGE.
She’s the only one who gets the AAAHH AAAHHH forced kiss from Hornswoggle, so by the time Cody shows up and they restart the contest, she’s already under the bus. Ah well, at least she didn’t have to push anybody around in a wheelbarrow.
Best: 1. AJ, And The Creation Of A Character Trait
The final contestant is AJ, who gets put over has having “never kissed a boy.” So keeping it kayfabe, this is AJ’s first kiss … this is important, as like a year and a half of the upswing of her career was based around her kissing boys. She makes out with Primo later in this season, and that eventually turns into Daniel Bryan, CM Punk, Kane, John Cena and Dolph Ziggler. And, uh, Paige, kind of.
It goes like you imagine it might; AJ is nervous, but decides to “go for it” and jumps Cody’s bones, knocking him down. She gets up and acts erratically, which plays here as “geeky nervous” but in retrospect is perfectly in tune with her “crazy” gag. She’s a smart, confident, playful woman who is driven to instant madness by confrontational emotions like love and betrayal. Cody chooses her as the winner, because those kinds of women are always the best kissers. Every kiss should come with a tiny bit of madness.
Note: This is not the last of tonight’s kissing, because “love is in the air.” It’s the same airborne disease that caused Stephanie McMahon to make out with a guy in a Vince McMahon Halloween costume, so keep that in mind.
Best: Josh Mathews’s Sick Burn
Because he’s terrible at jokes, Michael Cole (a man who is in a suit 99% of the times we see him) wears a tuxedo t-shirt for Goldust and Aksana’s wedding. He chuckles and asks Josh what he thinks about it. Josh’s response?
“You look like Jerry The King Lawler.”
Worst: Primo’s Pick-Up Lines
After the kissing contest, Primo and AJ walk down a hallway with a cameraman a few steps ahead of them, walking backwards. Primo’s jealous that AJ kissed Cody, so he hits her with his best line: “AJ. You look. REAL GOOD.” Hey Primo. Your mic skills are. Real bad.
Anyway, AJ FALLS FOR IT because she’s in a fit of lust rage or whatever and says she wants to tell Primo something in private. This leads to a series of gags of them opening doors and finding wacky things behind them, the first of which is ‘The American Dream’ Dusty Rhodes about to get it on (if you will) with Michael Cole’s dates for the wedding, The Bella Twins. Dusty tells them there’s no room at the inn and does a Ricky Ricardo impression, because Mexicans. Great job, everybody.
Don’t worry though, they find something way worse behind the second door.
Worst: LOVE IS IN THE AIR, FOLKS
Behind door number two, Maxine is forcing sex on a mute man-child. You see, the joke is that she didn’t want to kiss him in the kissing contest because he was kissing everybody ELSE. Jealousy and all that. The context here is weird, because when AJ and Primo open the door, Hornswoggle’s flailing his arms around like he’s upset. The second they stop and Maxine starts yelling “NO IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK,” Hornswoggle’s laughing and giving the thumbs up. Are … are they roleplaying? Do they sexually roleplay bad NXT contest segments??
All right, let’s take it home.