Worst: DID I MENTION LOVE BEING IN THE AIR
AJ decides that standing next to a production crate is “private enough,” but the crate is shaking. Why? Because Dolph Ziggler and Kaitlyn are making out inside of it. Inside of it with one of the sides missing. Why is there a person-sized, freestanding production crate with one of the sides missing?
Regardless, Dolph and Kaitlyn have been found out, and this is broadcast on the TitanTron so Vickie Guerrero sees it. She hurries backstage to find out what’s going on and is IMMEDIATELY HIT IN THE FACE WITH A WEDDING CAKE. Like, seriously, she’s not back there 10 seconds before two guys wander up with a cake and plaster her with it. Reminder: this woman is a heel for being upset that her boyfriend’s cheating on her with her student, and deserves instant emotional and physical humiliation for it. Remember, friends, the worst thing you can do in WWE is “feel something.”
Best: Wait, Is This A Wrestling Show?
Good news: There’s a wrestling match on this show.
Bad news: It’s a Kelly Kelly match.
Good news: It’s actually a pretty good Kelly Kelly match!
“Pretty good” is relative, of course — she still hits the ropes like she’s doing a shuttle run — but it’s got a little bit of heat, it’s competently wrestled, and Alicia saw AJ Lee sell a facebuster like Rob Van Dam and decided to eat Kelly’s Fame-Asser by going down headfirst at a 45-degree angle. I’m not going to complain. Plus, Kelly’s wearing USA-themed gear on a NOVEMBER show and the announce team can’t stop pretending it’s the Fourth of July. It’s fine.
One thing I will ask, though: what’re the physics of Kelly Kelly’s tilt-a-whirl headscissors? She goes into it like a headscissors takedown, brings her arms into her chest real tight and the person taking the move just spins and spins and spins. You’ve seen the momentum she gets coming off the ropes, right? If that could get ONE spin around a human body it’d be a miracle. The way they’re spinning it’s like she’s coming in like Barry Allen. Also, is Kelly Kelly’s body weight zero? Why aren’t the people falling over? How can she create so many spins independent of inertia?
Best/Worst: The Wedding Of Goldust And Aksana
Where to even f*cking begin
1. Before the wedding’s even underway, Michael Cole mentions that it’s a “fake wedding.” What he MEANS is that Aksana’s only marrying Goldust to get a green card (something we’ve clearly established via Goldust saying “marry me so you can get a green card”), but they end up talking about how EVERYTHING is fake, doing all the worst “pfft wrestling sucks” jokes your shitty uncle might while you’re trying to watch Nitro. AW HE STOMPED WHEN HE PUNCHED, YOU SEE THAT, IT AIN’T EVEN CONNECT.
2. Dusty and Cody are Dustin’s Best Men and Hornswoggle is the ring bearer, because he’s (a) a child, or (b) inhuman, and always the punchline to the joke. Aksana shows up in a gold wedding dress, so Cole and Josh instantly call her a “showgirl.” SOMEBODY in this situation has to be a babyface, right? Am I suddenly watching Impact?
3. In the best moment of the wedding, the minister reveals that HE objects to their marriage. He probably could’ve mentioned it before now, but here we are. He’s “got a price,” it turns out, and was bought out by Ted DiBiase Jr. and Maryse to get back the Million Dollar Championship. CONVOLUTED WEDDING SCHEME is a great idea, Ted, that’s way easier than trying to have a match. You know what else would be a good idea? Wrestling tailgating!
4. Dusty Rhodes steps in and reveals that he KNEW this would happen (because if anybody knows about getting turned on, it’s Dusty), so he says he visited the Pope (…) and ended up wrangling THE MILLION DOLLAR MAN to officiate the wedding.
5. The Million Dollar Man pronounces Goldust and Aksana man and wife, so Dusty Rhodes steps between them and kisses her. Dusty’s testosterone levels are funky like a monkey here. But WAIT JUST A MINUTE, there’s ANOTHER swerve about to happen: Aksana slaps Goldust before the kiss and struts away confidently. They’re married now, and there’s nothing Goldust can do about it! Except, you know, walk 100 feet up the ramp and tell that immigration officer that this lady duped him into marrying her so she could get citizenship.
Unbelievably, there is something AFTER this.
Worst: Maxine Gets Eliminated
Don’t worry, Maxine. You’ll be back and chloroforming and kidnapping this guy in no time.