Another week, another assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report. Nothing could top last week’s surprisingly fun anniversary show, so they didn’t try. Please enjoy this week’s Smackdown, which you’ve seen at least 15 times since April.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: These are actual Smackdown spoilers.)
Dark Match
1. Kofi Kingston defeated Heath Slater. Like El Torito vs. Mini-Gator, but the wrestlers still think they’ll be “World Champion” someday.
WWE Smackdown Taping
– The show opened with Seth Rollins talking about “whether he sold out,” because I guess it’s still June. Dolph Ziggler interrupts, and we have a match. The previously scheduled match of Zack Ryder vs. Christian will once again be bumped.
1. Seth Rollins defeated Dolph Ziggler. The curse of the Intercontinental Championship continues. Again, why would anybody want to be Intercontinental Champion? It makes you the biggest loser on the show. They should unify it with the United States Championship and have the belts turn black and dissolve when they touch.
– Dean Ambrose showed up and spoke about his match with Rollins at Hell in a Cell. Kane interrupted, and a Dean Ambrose vs. Kane main event was made. The previously scheduled main event of Big E vs. Alex Riley in a three stages of hell match was bumped.
3. Sheamus and The Uso Brothers defeated The Miz, Goldust and Stardust. New theory: WWE championship belts have little prickly needles on the inside of the strap containing tranquilizers, so if you wear one you become sleepy and lethargic. That’s the only way to explain champions specifically being scheduled in as losers every week. It’s not even a coincidence caused by lazy booking anymore. And yes, I could’ve used this if either team had lost.
– Big Show cut a promo on Rusev. “I will beat him at Hell in a Cell, and Mark Henry will DEFINITELY not turn on me.” Kinda weird that he’d phrase it like that!
4. Nikki Bella defeated Naomi. I hope Cameron turns face, and her catchphrase becomes “GURL HI.” I know that doesn’t have anything to do with this match.
– Dean Ambrose and John Cena will face Seth Rollins, Randy Orton and Kane in a “handicap street fight” on Raw. WWE should just create a John Cena Division where wrestlers beat 2-3 people at once in every match.
5. Dean Ambrose defeated Kane. Ambrose won by DQ due to Seth Rollins interference. I can’t even be snarky about this anymore. If I’m a kid, I would’ve given this up months ago to watch something more creative, like my living room floor.
That’s the show.
