‘Total Divas’ Episode Recap Pt. 2: Tyson Kidd Is Leaving Nattie And Taking The Cats

Of the many, many, many things I make fun of on Total Divas, the one aspect that has really grown on me is Tyson Kidd. The guy started out, to me, as a simple-minded goon who could do no harm, but brought absolutely nothing to the table in terms of excitement, drama or even charm. He was just sort of there, filling time between Bella Twin plot points as the guy who starred in Nattie’s sexual assault fantasies. I didn’t really like him and often fast-forwarded through his scenes, because between him and his wife, they have always been about as appealing as The Rich Kids of Beverly Hills.

But that goonishness has paid off so well for Tyson. As Nattie has continued to spin out of control into this bitter, jealous, nasty and sexually frustrated monster each week, Tyson just shows up and shrugs everything off, trying a little harder to make her happy while he focuses on getting back into the ring. And if there’s time, he feeds ostriches. Simply based on his relationship to Nattie, Tyson has become the most likable thing about Total Divas, and it’s remarkable how much my opinion of him has changed in three seasons.

Based on the previews for this week’s second episode, “Daddy’s Little Girl,” I have a feeling that I’m going to like him even more.

Pre-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

(Please see today’s Pt. 1 post-episode Power Rankings. To save time, Cameron annoyed the hell of out me in the last episode to the point that she was worse than Nattie, Eva Marie and Rosa combined.)

Remember How Brie Didn’t Want to Drink Anymore?

This show, man. There’s not a story line that can be written that this show won’t double back on just to sh*t all over. A week ago, Brie was talking about how she wants to be an adult and not get “Brie Mode” (a stupid term for blackout drunk that tries to make it seem endearing or any different from every one of us when we get drunk) anymore, especially because Nikki is such an enabler who forces her to drink. This week? Chillaxing poolside at John Cena’s home… wait no, sorry, John “and Nikki’s” home in Tampa, getting boozed up with their novelty red Solo cup. Anyway, Nikki’s latest sign of alcoholism came as she threw a party at “her house” to segue back to…

NIKKI BELLA, REAL ESTATE AGENT WITH FAKE BREASTS

(It works if you say that like a loud, booming voice.)

Cameron wants to buy a new home with Vincent, so she’s turning to Nikki to be her realtor, which is never a bad idea, because if you want someone to show you a place that you want someone else to buy for you, Nikki’s your girl. In case you’re new to Nikki’s side profession, she got her license last season and started out by trying to sell a condo on the beach that she really loved. In fact, she loved it so much that her buyer ended up being John Cena, her forever boyfriend. As far as we know, that’s her only sale, so obviously she should be helping a Diva (who doesn’t make as much money as she or especially Cena) find a home.

When it comes to what kind of home she wants, Cameron wants something like the giant mansion that Cena lives in. She’s smart enough to realize the difference in zeroes on her paycheck and the dumptruck full of gold that the WWE drops off at Cena’ s bank every other Friday, so she wants something like Cena’s home but she has “to bring it down a little bit.” A greater understatement this show has never aired. She wants 4 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms, a pool, patio and fireplace, and keep in mind she just left Florida, where this is all very doable at a decent price, to live in California. Best wishes to her on her new reality series, Fat F*cking Chance, Lady.

Surprise, Surprise… Nikki’s a Bad Realtor

“Everyone wants to live on Mulholland,” is what Nikki says to Cameron as she takes her to a home that is listed for $2.7 million. Realistically, this was a way to get some high-end realtor’s property on television so someone might buy it. Otherwise, Cameron should have thrown Nikki through a table. She was definitely cray-cray to think that Cameron could swing a house that she has to pay for herself. Nikki’s response, though, was peak Nikki Bella: “I was just thinking that with Vinnie…” Um, what? You mean your boyfriend doesn’t have $2.7 million to spend on a dream home for you? Aw, poor baby. Realtor bye.

But they stuck it out and settled on a home that would cost them $1.4 million. I don’t even know what the f*ck is going on here, because Vincent, who wears suspenders hanging around his waist all the time now, must sell some serious diamonds to cover this, otherwise Cameron either: A) thinks this awful show is going to be on for 10 more seasons; or B) this is all for show and she’s just using the show and the house to make it seem like she’s a big baller like she thinks she is inside her chingy brain. Either way, high comedy to be witnessed when they asked Nikki to waive her commission on a $1.4 million home.

Don’t mix business and pleasure, because it will always end with Nikki Bella calling you out over your finances.

Hero of the Episode

Cameron calling Nikki Bella out for living off of that John Cena coin. She just jumped from worst to first. Obviously, Nikki and Cameron weren’t very happy with each other, which is why you never mix business and pleasure on a scripted reality series. They ended up forgiving each other, because it’s the convenient thing to do. I assume that they’re not buying the $1.4 million home, what with it being a horrible idea and all.

Holy Sh*t, It’s a JoJo Sighting!

This scene made me laugh. “I miss that girl.” Haha, sure you do, that’s why she vanished from the show.

Things are Getting Worse with Eva Marie’s Dad

It’s hard to address the serious topic of Eva Marie’s dad having a terminal illness, because it’s obviously very emotional and intense. It’s also hard because Eva Marie is normally such a cartoon character and everything is scripted, so I don’t even know if it’s true. Either way, having her get into a spat with the Bella Twins, who were offering her advice and four ears and shoulders (albeit unsolicited), was stupid. Like really f*cking stupid. I get that the Bella Twins think they’re smarter than everyone else, because they’re Divas veterans and they’re in relationships with the company’s two biggest stars, but there’s nothing more awkward than watching them shoehorn themselves into someone’s serious personal issues.

Eva Marie is not ready to bury her father, obviously, and she’s focused on having a beautiful wedding that he can be at and enjoy with his daughter and the guy who looks like Scott Stapp that she’s already legally married to. She even snapped at Jonathan when he tried to be reasonable with her. Not surprisingly, Daniel Bryan was the voice of reason in getting Brie to understand why Eva Marie doesn’t want to talk about her sick dad at work (even though everything is work).

Can We Talk about Something Totally Unrelated for a Second?

On the few occasions that we get to see Daniel’s and Brie’s home, I love just about everything about their house, from all of the reclaimed wood to even the old safe as a side table. Now I want an old safe in my home. It just looks cool. Daniel Bryan and I could be best friends. I feel strongly about this.

Brie is Making it Up to Eva Marie with a Bridal Shower

First thing’s first, I’ve always stuck up for Brie as the better twin, even though the idea that her and Daniel are hurting for money is HILARIOUS. But she told Daniel that he couldn’t have a bachelor party thrown by Dean Ambrose? Are you f*cking kidding me?!?! That could have been an entire episode. That would have been the greatest 40 minutes of TV ever. At the very least, it could have been the best RAW side plot for one evening. What the hell, Brie? You’re lucky your sister is so awful, because this is almost bad enough to make me think about lying and saying Nikki is better for once.

Anyway, Brie wanted to throw Eva Marie a bridal shower to show her that they all care about her and are there for her as sisters. For example, Cameron is the sister who finds an old nude pic of Eva Marie and shows it to everyone on the WWE roster. Jonathan thought a bridal shower iwas a great idea, because he’s slowly morphing into the smartest guy on the show (not named Daniel Bryan, of course).

Anti-Quote of the Episode

“My heart is, like, beating.” – Eva Marie on the surprise of her bridal shower

Sure is, Eva Marie. Sure is. Brie was extremely proud of herself for inviting eight people to have tea in a hotel, but the surprise wasn’t done there. Jonathan showed up with a new ring for the woman he is already married to, and look how well he cleans up for such special occasions.

The moral of the story is to never start trusting these people just because they show a few signs of improvement as human beings. Meanwhile, nice to see Summer Rae at the bridal shower, seeing as Eva Marie HATES her. There is no consistency in storytelling here at all, but at least Eva Marie got something nice out of it.

Here is Nattie’s Awfulness Summed Up in One Total Divas GIF

I have now reached the point where I’m cheering for Tyson to pack up and leave. The way she pretends like she has done nothing wrong and that she has given Tyson any reason to keep trying to please her is amazing. In fact, there should be an Emmy for it. She wouldn’t win, because she looks like she’s holding back a snart when she pretends to cry, but Nattie would be nominated each time, that’s for sure.

Quote of the Episode

Nattie: “So how do we chop up three cats?”
Tyson: “Chop one up, obviously.”

I’m staunchly anti-cat, so I’m all for chopping one up. Nattie gets the dead cat’s ass, naturally. Anyway, divorce costs a lot of money, according to the two lawyers Nattie and Tyson met with, so they had to decide if they want to make things work or dish out thousands of dollars to have all their belongings split up for them. Marriage is a sham, people. Hide your baseball cards before you say, “I do.”

Anyway, the argument heated up again back at their home, where they sleep in separate bedrooms now, and of course Nattie tried to lure the cats into her room. Can you even imagine what she’d be like if they had a child? This woman needs serious help.

Oh Good, Nattie Brought Naomi Over to Force Her to Choose Sides

While explaining to Naomi, who is relegated to awkward cameos now, that she and Tyson saw a divorce lawyer, Tyson showed up and started arguing with Nattie again. That led Nattie to throw his unfolded clothes on the lawn, because she’s an adult. But hey, it was great to see Naomi again. The stress and tension of the nonstop fighting finally led to Tyson having enough and walking out. Good for him already, and I feel so indifferent about Nattie’s fake crying that I made this GIF…

Nattie wasn’t done, though, because Tyson was at the next show, “embarrassing” Nattie with his presence. She’s the one that started yelling at him while he sat there with the same dumb face the whole time, but yeah, it’s his fault. Nattie’s the absolute worst person on TV at this point, so congrats to her for unlocking that achievement.

Post-Episode Total Divas Power Rankings

1) Cameron – Laying down the thunder on Nikki was awesome. Rolling back on it, not as much.
2) Naomi – It sucks she has played such a small role this season, despite being the coolest, funniest and nicest Diva.
3) Brie Bella – It was nice of her to offer to plan a bridal shower for Eva Marie, but holy crap she needs to lay off the self-congratulatory nonsense.
4) Summer Rae – A very, very appreciated episode off, with the exception of somehow being at the bridal shower of the Diva who hates her second most.
5) Nikki Bella – She was still very narcissistic and conceited in this episode, but not as much as when she constantly belittles her sister over money.
6) Eva Marie – It’d be nice to see her focus wholly on her relationship with her father and less on stupid, pointless fights.
7) Rosa Mendes – Nowhere to be found on this episode, thank goodness.
8) Nattie – Just an awful, unappealing and nasty character. She really needs to ask someone for a change for next season, because this is the kind of sh*t that will stick to her for a long time.

Next Week on Total Divas

It’s the season finale, which means that Eva Marie is marrying the man she’s already married to, while Nattie and Tyson will have it out once and for all. Will there be time for Nikki and John Cena to shoehorn their own cliffhanger? I’d bet a nickel on it.

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