The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For 11/6/14

Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, an extremely positive column that copies and pastes over someone else’s copied and pasted news and jumps to a bunch of conclusions about it. It’s basically an excuse for us to never, ever watch Smackdown. Want to know how I’d improve the show? Two steps; step one, remove all the canned crowd noise. Step two, air it sometime other than Friday night, when I’m out with friends and having fun*.

*playing video games and watching old Nitros on the Internet

Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(These are actual Smackdown spoilers, in case you were wondering.)

Dark Matches

1. The Ascension defeated Jobbers. The Ascension defeated an armless Daniel Bryan and a gutsless Roman Reigns with The Fall Of Man. I’m kidding, but that’d be pretty hilarious. I don’t know which jobbers they beat, but I hope the match ended with Hideo Itami jogging down to the ring and getting beaten to death.

2. Adrian Neville defeated Fandango. If Fandango won NXT season 4, can we say Adrian Neville “won” season 8? Bo Dallas obviously won season 7.

WWE Smackdown TV Taping

1. WWE Tag Team Championship Cage Match: Goldust and Stardust (c) defeated The Usos. I am not joking when I say they opened the show with the tag team cage match, or that it ended with a rollup. THEY ENDED A TAG TEAM TITLE CAGE MATCH WITH A ROLLUP. We’re through the looking glass, people. I am joking when I say Stardust tried to do a moonsault off the cage onto Jey Uso, hit nobody and severely injured himself.

– Kane announced a main event of Kane vs. Dolph Ziggler inside the already-there steel cage.

2. Ryback defeated Cesaro. Kane told Cesaro that if he won the match, he’d get to join Team Authority at Survivor Series. Cesaro was like, “I don’t know, that sounds pretty boring.” If you’re keeping track, the three lowest-ranking jobbers on the show according to the Stanksy and Rosenberg Treaty of 2012 are (1) Bo Dallas (2) Titus O’Neil (3) Cesaro.

3. R-Truth defeated Adam Rose. Either that, or I stared into the Oculus mirror for two minutes.

– Dean Ambrose was a guest on Christian’s Peep Show. They should change the name of the segment to “Christian Mingle,” but whatever. Bray Wyatt interrupted and revealed the “dark secret” he was supposed to reveal about Ambrose’s past on Raw, but didn’t: Ambrose’s father abandoned him and is in prison. “I have a deadbeat dad” makes Dean Ambrose about as dark and secretive as about 70% of Earth’s population. Then Wyatt was like, “wait, I’ve got something worse.” He then showed footage of Ambrose leaving a bar and accused him of being an alcoholic. Then it’s revealed that Ambrose has a SISTER who ISN’T DOING WELL. Unbelievably, at least one of the things I just typed is what they actually went with.

– Nikki Bella beat up AJ backstage, choking her with her own wedding ring. I’m assuming.

4. Summer Rae defeated Natalya. The story here is that Tyson Kidd hates his horrible wife and wants to hook up with alignment swingers Summer Rae and Layla. Distractions were had, rollups were rolled, and a worked divorce angle continues across TWO PRIMETIME TELEVISION SHOWS.

5. Cage Match: Dolph Ziggler defeated Kane. Kane said that if he won the match, he’d buy Cesaro some lunch. Dolph Ziggler won by escaping the cage, and Cesaro had to eat a cold, shitty Lunchables.

That’s your show. Go Trick or Treating instead. Yes, I know Halloween was a week ago.

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