This week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report — the only column on the Internet that can both see into the future and jump to conclusions about it — will be a little different. Instead of just getting bent out of shape about what we assume will happen on Smackdown, we’re recapping TRIBUTE TO THE TROOPS, WWE’s yearly military-appreciation show and creative tentpole. Yes, I considered making the entire recap of that just, “troops were tributed.”
This year I’m asking Santa Claus for Smackdown to be live on Thursdays, and for WWE to remember that two hours of primetime program is a great place to actually do stuff.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: despite jokes, these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– The opening sentence of the spoilers this week is, “There was an opening segment in the ring with tables, ladders and chairs to promote the TLC pay-per-view.” That’s the most 2014 WWE sentence ever. No, no need for additional information, we’re good! I’m going to assume it’s a table with googly eyes, a ladder with googly eyes and a chair with a face drawn on the seat having a puppeteered argument about which is most dangerous.
1. The Usos defeated Tyson Kidd and Cesaro. Cesaro wore jeans and a tattered New York Yankees t-shirt, because that’s how you end up when you say John Cena’s boring. A vignette for The Ascension aired after Kidd and Cesaro made their entrance, which immediately confirms everyone’s various theories about how they’d be brought up. They’re bodyguards who both team and feud with The Undertaker while joining the Wyatt Family!
2. Nikki Bella defeated Alicia Fox. If you can think of a funny joke about this, go right ahead. Here’s my attempt: Alicia Fox walks into the bar. Bartender asks, “why the long face?” Fox gets upset and pours sodas on him, leaves, then turns and walks back in acting like she’s his best friend.
3. Jack Swagger defeated Titus O’Neil. Here’s another line from the spoilers: “Titus appeared to be hurt after the match but could have just been selling the submission.” How funny (and sad) is it that a wrestler briefly pretending wrestling’s real is noteworthy? I want to see a spoiler report that’s all, “Titus appeared to be hurt after the match, then stood up, belly laughed and walked away totally fine. He yelled FAKE WRESTLING as he high-fived me and told all my friends I was cool.”
4. Big E defeated Goldust. Every time Big E dabs his forehead with a rag, an angel loses its wings.
– John Cena and Seth Rollins had WORDS about their upcoming tables match at TLC. One of those words was “jack.”
5. Ryback, Dolph Ziggler and Erick Rowan defeated Luke Harper, Big Show and Kane. Ryback pinned Luke Harper, because the Intercontinental Championship means you’re the worst person in any match. The announce team played a fun game where they tried to remember who was wrestling who at TLC. I watch the show every week and write thousands of words about it and I had to pause and think about it. Kane’s wrestling Big Show, right?
Here’s What Happens On This Year’s Tribute To The Troops
(reminder: these are real troops)
1. The Usos defeated Stardust and Goldust. The Usos and The New Day formed a “minorities who yell things and expect the crowd to yell back” superteam. The new catchphrase is OOOH! DAY! OOOH! DAY! In a related story, Goldust and Stardust spent about 40 minutes painting their faces, and about 3 losing.
2. Santa’s Little Helper Match: Naomi, Emma and Natalya defeated Paige and The Bella Twins. How mad would you be if you were in the military, and your Santa’s Little Helper match went from Torrie Wilson in a Santa thong to Natalya dressed like an elf? Additional spoiler: Emma stole our nation’s defense secrets and is taking them back to Australia.
– SPOILER ALERT DON’T READ AHEAD IF YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW: Jack Swagger loves the troops. Lana and Rusev don’t.
3. Dean Ambrose defeated Bray Wyatt. This was a “No DQ Bootcamp Match.” It’s different from a TLC match because ???. Dean Ambrose won because WWE has no idea how to promote wrestling matches. If the people in charge of the company in 2014 had been in charge in 1990, Hogan and Warrior would’ve wrestled for free on TV 7 or 8 times before WrestleMania 6.
4. Ryback, Erick Rowan, Dolph Ziggler and John Cena defeated Big Show, Luke Harper, Kane and Seth Rollins. FINALLY, A FRESH MATCH. The match ends with the faces in the ring holding the United States flag, because Show, Harper, Kane and Seth Rollins all hate America.
– Florida Georgia Line performed. If you weren’t going to watch, I bet you will now.
