Welcome to the first assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report of 2015, posted two days before it airs and one before 2015! I barely understand how time works.
If you’re new to the column, what we do is find out what happens on Friday’s Smackdown and “spoil” it for you by typing it here. Think of Smackdown as a head of lettuce you bought on Tuesday when you were trying to be healthy that sits on the bottom shelf of your fridge, then turns kinda musty and brown while you eat hamburgers. On Friday you’re like, “I want some lettuce on this burger, SHIT WAIT I HAVE LETTUCE!” but when you go to find it you’re like, “nah, I’m not f*cking with that brown lettuce.”
Here’s what happens on this week’s Brown Lettuce.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: aside from the jokes these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– Despite appearing on Main Event with no incident, Edge and Christian are now deeply remorseful for ruining everything for everybody on Raw and being weak, helpless victims who run the newer generation through the mud and end up causing kayfabe nuclear winter. J&J Security are assigned to wrangle them, and the legendary “greatest tag team ever” retorts by doodling on Triple H and Stephanie’s magazine covers. Remember, kids: the bad guys are better.
1. Bray Wyatt defeated Erick Rowan. Remember when Bray Wyatt set Erick Rowan free? What he was actually doing was turning Rowan into a boner joke he’d hate and have to fight later. Wyatt wins, and the crowd barely cares because Bray Wyatt is that plastic fruit they put out at restaurants to show you what the actual food’ll look like.
2. Big Show defeated Ryback. Ryback lost via count-out when Rusev interfered. Ryback dusted himself off, stood in the ring for about 45 minutes and monotonously explained how Rusev’s betrayal related to that time in 10th grade when he wanted to play Dracula in the school play but ended up being cast as an extra because he teacher hated him. It was extremely interesting.
– Edge and Christian and J&J Security have HIJINX, including Jamie Noble wandering into the ladies room. Oh man, that’ll show them for winning and getting whatever they wanted on Raw because we’re weak!
3. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd defeated Los Matadores. The Topes win a game! The Topes win a game! After the match, Natalya’s upset about Tyson celebrating with his tag team partner instead of her because she is a horrible person. The fun thing to remember about the Kidd/Natalya on-screen relationship is that Natalya was in a happy, drama-free (kayfabe) relationship with The Great Khali for what, a year? I’m not sure what she wants.
4. Dean Ambrose defeated Curtis Axel. Well, he beat Axel up, but the match never happened. They had to hurry up and get to the post-match promo, because they haven’t had a chance for Dean Ambrose to say what he thinks about Bray Wyatt at any point during the past two months.
5. The Ascension defeated Local Talent. This is where The Ascension are Vikings!
6. The Usos and R-Truth defeated Goldust, Stardust and Adam Rose. Still waiting for that “WHAT’S OOO” catchphrase. Good to know 2015 will have more Usos vs. Gold and Stardust matches, I was worried we wouldn’t continue getting three of those a week. After the match the Usos beat up the Rosebuds, because they are good guys and not people we should be throwing trash at.
7. Roman Reigns defeated Rusev. We were worried he might look vulnerable after Raw, but the match finish involves him winning by DQ, beating up an interfering Big Show and dumping a table onto HIM. Let’s not point out that Show did the table thing because of Roman knocking him over one first, turnabout is fair play. After the match, Big Show staggered to his feet and admitted to Tom Philips or whomever that Roman looked really strong. Tom was like, “yeah man, those were my impressions, too.”
And that’s the show. 2015 seems fresh and new!
