Here’s this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, allowing you to know what happens on Smackdown and jump to conclusions about it without having to watch. On this week’s show, the same 8 or 9 people who are allowed to be on Raw did a slightly different version of what they did on Raw. ENJOY, SOMEHOW.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– This week’s guest general manager is Santino Marella, because when you’re picking someone to be in charge, you pick the fan you pulled out of the audience in a foreign country who made a career out of being a mentally abusive boyfriend and pulling a snake puppet out of his underwear. He plugs Jingle All The Way 2, co-starring a racist redneck who got rich pretending to be slightly more racist and slightly more of a redneck.
1. Intercontinental Championship Match: Dolph Ziggler defeated Luke Harper. Luke Harper continues to lose matches without losing the championship, because that’s what IC title holders do. They attack each other with ladders after the match, so Santino puts them in a ladder match at TLC. Because even the stupidest guy on the roster knows and recognizes your booking formula. Note: if he’s got this power, why doesn’t he give himself a WWE World Heavyweight Championship match at TLC?
– Team Authority talked. They are actually doing a Big Show vs. Erick Rowan “stairs match” at TLC. I hope the winner is the first person who can escape the ring and climb the stairs.
2. A New Day defeated Tyson Kidd and Cesaro. Cesaro is now losing matches to Xavier Woods, in case you were wondering how that “Cena and Orton are boring” thing’s working out for him. After the match, Gold and Stardust appeared on the TitanTron and insulted A New Day. The two teams will have a GIANT RECTANGULAR SCREEN MATCH at TLC.
– The Miz sent Naomi flowers to apologize for last week. Jimmy Uso threw them on the ground and broke the vase, because he is a psycho and WWE doesn’t know what “good guys” are.
3. Rusev vs. Dean Ambrose didn’t happen. Rusev is refusing to compete because of America’s intimidation, which would be great if there was a Russian version of WWE. Anyway, they’re so disinterested in telling new stories that the advertised Rusev vs. Dean Ambrose match is just Rusev insulting Jack Swagger and Bray Wyatt beating up Ambrose. It’s not “pro wrestling,” kids, they’re telling stories!
4. The Miz defeated Jey Uso. Miz defeated Jey with a Skull-crushing Finale. Jimmy was not at ringside, because he was too busy finding out which stores Naomi shops at and beating up the sales clerks for selling her clothes that fit.
5. Naomi defeated Brie Bella. AJ Lee commentary, distraction, blah blah blah, roll up.
6. Ryback and Erick Rowan defeated Seth Rollins and Big Show. This is the smallest roster of all time. Anyway, in a weird plot point, Rollins and Show lose because of referee incompetence. He doesn’t see them make a tag, and their arguing costs them the match. It’s that babyface thing where a guy’s like NO COME ON WE GOT THE TAG, EVERYONE CHEERED IT but the referee obsessively pushes him back out onto the apron while the heels stomp his partner. Except backwards? I don’t know. MILLENNIALS.
