Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, a fresh idea that finds Smackdown spoilers on a copy-paste wrestling news site and copy-pastes them here so a guy with no intention of actually watching can get upset about what happens without ever seeing it.
Smackdown moves to Thursday this week — perhaps you’ve seen the commercials once or twice — so expect the show’s mission statement and stuff to actually start happening. Or, you know, expect it to continue being the Raw Practice Show, and enjoy slightly improved versions of these matches and stories next Monday. Daniel Bryan’s here, though, so that’s something.
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
1. Daniel Bryan defeated Kane. J&J Security interferes and Big Show and Seth Rollins jump in, which brings out Dean Ambrose and Roman Reigns. Bet you can’t guess what happens next! A player’s minutes are held onto as a TAG TEAM MATCH is made for the night’s main-event! The bait is successfully switched and Kane continues to be super protected by an omnipresent DQ finish, for some reason.
– Bryan Wyatt cut a promo saying he’ll win the Royal Rumble. Sorry, that he’ll “GASP win the GASP Royal GASP Rumble maaaaan hahahaha.”
2. The Miz, Damien Mizdow and Alicia Fox defeated The Usos and Naomi. Miz and Mizdow will finally get a shot at the Usos at the Royal Rumble after a month or so of exclusively fighting The Usos. WWE should just introduce a Challenge Series thing where opponents are paired up for a month and the “winner” is the one who wins the most during that time period. At least make it part of the narrative.
– Roman Reigns was interviewed by Renee Young. I cannot WAIT to hear what he had to say.
3. Natalya defeated Nikki Bella. Nikki was distracted by Brie during the match. Natalya was distracted by Tyson Kidd, and both Nikki AND Natalya were distracted by Paige. Everyone was dizzy and confused and distracted and Natalya put the Sharpshooter on what she THOUGHT was a loose tree limb, but turned out to be Nikki. So confusing!
– Big Show and Kane announced they’ll be in the Royal Rumble. That’ll put butts in seats.
4. Intercontinental Championship Match: Bad News Barrett defeated Sin Cara. The rule of IC Champ Wade Barrett is that he loses every non-title match, but wins the title matches to keep the non-title streak going. It also ensures that nobody’ll care about any of his title matches. As an aside, imagine how much better this would’ve been as Dolph Ziggler vs. Kalisto.
– Dean Ambrose announced he’ll enter the Royal Rumble. He then spent 40 minutes having a panic attack because he couldn’t escape a Chinese Finger Trap.
5. Daniel Bryan, Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose defeated Big Show, Kane and Seth Rollins. None of the spoiler reports I can find say who got the pinfall, which is kinda important. At least we know Ambrose didn’t get it, am I right? Triple H interrupted the celebration to announce DANIEL BRYAN VS. KANE (again) (seriously) with the added stipulation that if Bryan loses, he’s out of the Royal Rumble. They should make Rey Mysterio the special guest referee just to piss everybody off.
