Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report, the only place on the Internet you can find out what happens on Friday’s Smackdown AND complain about it without watching. Smackdown moves to Thursdays soon, so WWE’s in the world’s biggest holding pattern and making sure nothing important happens. Not sure how that explains Raw, but we’ll pretend that’s why Smackdown’s like it is.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are mostly actual Smackdown spoilers)
– Smackdown starts with Roman Reigns getting into a situation I like to call the “Half Teddy Long.” He picks a fight with two guys, so someone makes it a TAG TEAM MATCH~. That means it’s either gonna be a handicap match, or Roman will have to find a partner. I wonder if there’s another guy who hates Seth Rollins that Roman might know? Maybe he should check his list of helicopter rentals, Amazon.com order history for dog masks and/or his one-name list of BEST FRIENDS.
1. Big E defeated Adam Rose. The epic Rosebuds vs. New Day feud continues. Cesaro and Tyson Kidd contributed by dressing up in theatrical masks and leotards and staying at home.
2. The Ascension defeated Local Talent. LOCAL TAL-ENT CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP. JBL appeared on the TitanTron before the match began and made exaggerated wanking motions, accompanied by on-screen arrows pointing at the wank and graphics reading “THE ASCENSION.” After the match, the local talent announced that The Ascension was nowhere near as good as Demolition or the Road Warriors, and everyone took them out to dinner.
3. Alicia Fox defeated Naomi. The epic “two black women on our roster assuming we forgot we pay Cameron” feud continues. Alicia won with her feet on the ropes. After the match, she turned face, hugging Naomi and deciding they should be tag team partners. As they were leaving the ring, Fox low-blowed her with the ropes and turned heel. She then helped Naomi up and walked her to the back, turning face. Jimmy Uso was confused and upset about everything.
4. Triple Threat Match for the WWE Tag Team Championships: The Usos defeated Gold and Stardust and The Miz & Damien Sandow. It wouldn’t be a new year without Usos vs. Gold and Stardust matches! We’ll consider this a step up for the Dusts, as the Usos weren’t dressed as anything asinine while they were pinning Goldust.
5. Sin Cara defeated Bad News Barrett. Sin Cara won clean — clean — and the nightmare of Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett starts anew. Nobody tell WWE that Sin Cara is 1/2 of the NXT Tag Champs, I don’t want to have to hear about how he’s stupid and worthless the entire match. The Internet can do that for me later.
6. Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose defeated Seth Rollins and Big Show.
Roman reportedly looked “really strong” by defeating Rollins with a spear. I’m surprised they didn’t figure out a way to have Ambrose lose and Reigns win despite them being on the same team.
And that’s the show!
2014 is dead. Long live 2014.
