The Best And Worst Of WWE Raw 1/12/15: Fairytale Of New Dork

Pre-show notes:

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Please click through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for January 12, 2015.


Worst: A Quick Reassurance That Nothing Matters

Apparently I go through these cycles where I decide I’m going to try to be more positive and enjoy what I’m given for what it is instead of setting the bar too high and expecting too much. It works for a few weeks, but then something happens that makes me mad deep down in my brain’s guts, and that just sits and festers and rots and causes everything around it to turn brown. I run into an especially bad episode and spew all over it, lose about 15 Twitter followers and decide I’m going to try being positive again.

Because I do that too much, I’ll keep my brown brain guts and try to figure this shit out like an adult.

Raw opens with John Cena being unhappy that him bringing back The Authority 36 days after Survivor Series got the members of Team Cena fired last week, and his revenge plot is twofold: he’s going to get the hashtag #AUTHORITYSUCKS trending worldwide, and he’s going to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship at the Royal Rumble and sit at home with it until his “pals” are reinstated.

Let’s break that down. Firstly, is John Cena seriously using “the champ won’t be on the show every week” as blackmail when BROCK LESNAR is the champion, and has been on the show like three times since September? Didn’t he go through this with CM Punk? They’ll just make a new belt and crown a new champion if you don’t want to come back. Didn’t you go through this with The Rock? Isn’t “not being on the show” and “not entertaining the WWE Universe” the very worst things John Cena can imagine? You’re punishing us for shit you did? And you’re the good guy?

Secondly, this man wedged himself into a situation and elevated it until the stakes were as high as they could be: a team led by him called Team Cena would wrestle a Survivor Series elimination tag against Team Authority, and if he could win, all of the evil villains who run the promotion would be vanquished and he’d have everlasting peace and prosperity. If he lost, everyone on the team would be fired EXCEPT HIM. If he won, the only way The Authority could come back and be in charge again is if John Cena said so. So he forces a company-wide Civil War to further his own goals, and the doddering old Deus Ex Machina at the helm of WWE decided that win or lose, Cena is the fulcrum. He’s the reason. Cena gets eliminated halfway through the match, and Dolph Ziggler has to face all the aforementioned evil villains alone. Sting, a man who has never had an important-enough reason to appear on WWE programming until this match, appears and turns the tide. Ziggler miraculously wins and The Authority is gone. Cena celebrates, Ziggler’s immediately thrust back down to losing curtain-jerkers to guys who literally never win and Sting never appears again.

Thirty days go by, and Edge shows up. Edge is Cena’s old rival who had to retire because his neck is made out of popsicle sticks and the Canadian version of Elmer’s glue. Edge and Cena make peace, and within like 40 minutes Seth Rollins is holding Edge’s face against a dented-up briefcase full of slime and threatening murder if Cena doesn’t bring back The Authority. Cena does, Rollins decides to kill Edge anyway and Cena stops him with little effort, which he could’ve done at any point. The Authority wanders out from gorilla holding champagne, because they’ve been waiting just behind the screen with alcohol for the last month. They’re put back in charge thanks to a moment of blackmail involving a wrestler who is never around and medically cannot wrestle, erasing the Survivor Series result.

WWE moves forward pretending like Survivor Series never happened. Everything resets. The Authority punishes Team Cena for losing/winning, and Ryback, Ziggler and Erick Rowan are all fired. The consequence of the Survivor Series match has been negated and flipped, and now THESE are the consequences. But hold on, because John Cena has opened Raw with some mild complaining and somehow earned another chance to get his friends their jobs back. It’s the most Frank f*cking Gorshin thing ever. Can one of these sides be okay winning? Have we gotten so used to wishy-washy 50/50 down-the-middle everything that wrestling matches are these weird passive-aggressive games of White Elephant, and nobody wants to win OR lose?

At some point, WWE has to move forward from Survivor Series. Everything they’ve done for like four months has built in the direction of that show, forward or backwards. Team Cena can win or be fired, wins, retroactively loses, gets fired anyway and now have a chance to be rehired. Why fire anybody if you’re gonna put their jobs on the line next week? You can only put their jobs on the line so many times. Can Cena just try again next week?

The logic I guess is that The Authority’s grandstanding and knows Cena can’t win the 12-on-1 match they’ve arranged for him, but the chance is the problem. There’s no consequence. You’re giving a guy defined by his ability to overcome the odds another in an endless chain of opportunities to overcome odds. There’s always a reason or a way or a loophole that’ll allow you to magically reverse anything bad that happens to you, so why should we get emotionally invested in it? Why care about anyone or anything? You won. Be the side that won. Be it for a WEEK.

There are two reasons you might be typing now:

1. “It’s for kids! Who cares!”
2. “It’s wrestling! Who cares!”

1. If you watch an episode of Muppet Babies, you know there aren’t going to be these dire, lasting consequences for Scooter because of context. That’s the nature of the show. Everything’s resolved by the end and nobody really changes or does anything, because it’s self-contained family entertainment. You learn some basic lessons about sharing or jealousy or whatever and that’s fine. WWE is episodic, but it’s serialized. Things that happen in one episode affect things that happen in the next. Stories are introduced, are told and conclude. New stories build on the old ones.

There are shows like this for kids, too. ‘Avatar The Last Airbender’ is a great example. ‘Adventure Time’ is another. You want to know what makes them great? Effort is put into them. The creators and writers pay attention to who the characters are, how they relate to one another, what they’ve done and where they’re going. You can watch a third season episode of ‘Adventure Time’ out of context and enjoy it, but maybe enjoy it more if you’ve seen the ones before it. These shows attempt to be well-constructed and entertaining to kids because they’re good shows. They never say “kids are stupid, have some bullshit.” You don’t have to be Raffi or a box of fart sounds to appeal to kids. Kids like terrible stuff, but they can also sometimes tell the terrible from the good and like one of them more. Maybe they figure it out later and keep liking the good stuff when they’re older. When they have money they can give you.

2. If you’re an adult who watches wrestling and are okay with what you’re watching being bad just because you assume it is, I don’t know what to tell you. What’s wrong with you? People who complain usually get the “if you don’t like it don’t watch,” but I want to turn that around. If you watch it and think it’s stupid and don’t care and don’t think it can be any better, don’t watch. Watch something worth your time. I watch wrestling — and yes, complain about it quite a bit — because I love it and I’ve seen it be great, and I want it to be so more often than not.

Worst: It Takes The Four Horsemen AND The Dungeon Of Doom To Beat Cena

I half expected a mummy to wander out and bearhug Cena from behind so Rollins could get the pin. Also, yo, how sad is WWE’s stable of heels with skeleton pants Justin Gabriel is one of the lumberjacks?

Best: Booker T’s Goth Interpretation Of Gilligan’s Island

Because “Booker T,” Booker T starts ranting about the ending to Gilligan’s Island, claiming that the castaways all died because nobody came to save them.

What f*cked up version of Gilligan’s Island has Booker been watching? If I can be a nerd for a moment (shut up), they WERE rescued. Twice, in fact. The first time was in Rescue from Gilligan’s Island, where they have trouble fitting in with society and accidentally get shipwrecked on the island again. The second time was in The Castaways on Gilligan’s Island, where they’re rescued for real and the Howells turn the island into a resort. Eventually Gilligan and Skipper would join the Harlem Globetrotters and they’d all end up in outer space.

I don’t know what show Booker was watching, but damn Book, that’s DARK. Maybe he just got more of the symbolism than I did. Maybe they were dead all along, and the island was purgatory?



Best: The Demolition Double-stomp

So it turns out I might actually like The New Day if they were just a tag team that did cool stuff, and skipped the sing-along clapping. Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston team up to take on Cesaro and Tyson Kidd, and yeah, Woods and Kingston are probably the guys I’ve complained about the most over the past two years. What happens in a tag, though, is that a lot of their weaknesses are hidden and they come across like dynamic, fun wrestlers. Kofi can tag in and do his Jump Offense and it makes sense, because he’s fresh and trying to build momentum. He’s not doing it at minute 7 of an 8 minute match where he’d spent 6 getting beaten down. Woods still needs to retire the Honor Roll (with fire), but if they can just pop in and do cool stuff and double-stomp guys out of backbreakers, I’m in.

Also:

Best: The New Day Has Never Heard Of Macho Man Randy Savage

This video’s like a science experiment. When it starts, it’s an interview about Randy Savage going into the Hall of Fame. Then Woods and Big E join in, and you start wondering if any of these motherf*ckers has heard a Macho Man promo. They’re just going eeeeeeeeee ooooooh yeahhhhh ohhhhh yeahhhh machooo mannn yeahhhh yeahhhhh slim jim ooohhh yeahhhh danger zone. It gets worse and worse until it starts being AWESOME, and they start sinking back into the furniture making humming noises. Eden side-eying them so hard she could shatter glass is the BEST.

Worst: Roman Reigns Is Full Of Great Stories. Actually, He’s Full Of Something Else.

Aw man, I just wasted 1500 words talking about the opening segment and now Roman Reigns is telling FAIRY TALES.

I’m tempted to give this promo a Best, because I’ve lost the ability to be sincere about Roman Reigns. He’s a mannequin brought to life by irony. He’s never been great on the mic, but in The Shield he was limited to letting the other guys talk and saying “believe that, and believe in The Shield” in a deep voice. It worked. It was great. Then Seth Rollins hit him in the back with a chair, permanently damaged his larynx and large sections of his brain and completely unraveled him.

During one of his “I’ll be back from hernia surgery soon” updates, he said he would “cock this here fist” and “make it rain in that bitch,” and it was all downhill from there. At TLC he delivered the awkward pause heard ’round the world. He got booed for existing at NXT and announced he was gonna be the first NXT Superstar to win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship, even though there’ve only been four champs and Daniel Bryan was one of them. On Smackdown he said Seth Rollins has donkey dung for brains and dragged himself through “sniveling little suck-up sellout full of suffering succotash son!”

Roman Reigns promos are becoming hate-watching events. He’s an episode of ‘Glee’ that walks like a man. People deliver bad promos all the time, but Roman’s have such an air of helplessness they’re almost unreal. Here, he’s telling Big Show the story of Jack and the Beanstalk in excruciating detail in a “storyteller” voice Barney kids would find condescending, then making sure to explain that when he’s talking about beating up loser giants he means BIG SHOW SPECIFICALLY. As if there was any way we’d miss that. I honestly think the rumor of Vince McMahon personally writing these promos was leaked so people on the internet would say it’s not Roman’s fault.

Just throwing this out there, but you don’t have to make Roman deliver long, sassy promos every week. He did great making duck lips in the background and saying seven words a week for a year. Everybody liked him.

Best: Let’s Go Har-Per Clap Clap ClapClapClap

The sad thing (as I’ve pointed out almost every week since Roman’s return) is that his singles matches aren’t bad. They’ve got some of that unstoppable WWE babyface vibe, but HE’S doing a competent job. He’s learning to pace himself, and he adds in little things like actually checking to see if Harper’s in position for his apron dropkick instead of pulling a Rey Mysterio and transitioning from one thing to another because he knows wrestling’s a work. Luke Harper is obviously a top shelf performer and a guy Roman knows well, so pairing them up is a great decision. Harper’s a vet who can walk the Handsome Special Baby Prince through his routine, and Roman can play along well enough to either figure it out, or fake it ’til it’s real.

I also appreciate the match having a clean finish, because they very well could’ve just done a DQ or a distraction with Big Show at ringside. Show grabbing Roman’s face and yelling I’M GOING TO PUNCH YOU is either a funny moment of the camera being in too close or A+ trash talk.

Best: The Difference Between Dean Ambrose And Roman Reigns

The big talking point about Roman now is that “the IWC” hates him for no reason, and I guess if you haven’t read my dense paragraphs of explanation by now, you aren’t reading this either. But I want to point out something I noticed about the non-Rollins Shield guys, and I hope it makes sense.

Roman Reigns is doing a bad job of connecting with anyone who isn’t a 6-year old briefly looking up from his iPad to cheer for the popular winners, but it’s being blamed on “bad material.” You can’t blame Roman! Vince is writing his promos and he’s got stupid stories! At the same time, Dean Ambrose is being portrayed as quite possibly the dumbest and most helpless character in modern WWE history, a guy who attacks heels with ketchup and mustard and loses via hologram lanterns and exploding TVs. On this very show he loses because the referee thinks he’s got no chance and throws it out. Do you ever hear about “the IWC” “hating” on Dean Ambrose? No. Why?

Some people will tell you it’s because he’s an “indy darling,” but that’s not the case. Jon Moxley was never a huge star on the independents. He wasn’t a beloved Bryan Danielson or Kevin Steen type. He was a death match wrestler who could talk. He was like the 8th or 9th most important guy on a Dragon Gate USA show. The reason we don’t gang up and make fun of him for this stupid shit he’s doing is because he’s visibly doing the best he can with what he’s given. He’s asked to make fun of a psychiatrist for peeing sitting down, and we all say “that’s terrible.” Not “Dean Ambrose is embarrassing and terrible.” If Roman’s stuck in the ring for an hour telling goober fairy tales, we know the material’s bad and we see HIM failing to make it engaging. Frankly, the stuff Ambrose has to do is a thousand times worse than Roman. Imagine if Vince said “hey Ambrose, go out to the ring and cut a 10 minute promo about Jack and the Beanstalk and make it about Big Show.” It’d probably be pretty good, right?

So that’s it. WWE’s tossing an unprepared guy into these situations that experienced wrestlers with great comedic timing can’t always pull off and he’s floundering. That’s really it. He’s still getting a good crowd response because he’s ostensibly a cool guy we’ve seen do cool stuff and we remember that. It’s not Roman’s fault he’s got bad material, but it’s his fault he’s obviously shitting the bed trying to deliver it.

Best: Former Inspire Pro Wrestling Champion Mike Dell On Raw!

I guess we dodged a bullet having a title change before his defining characteristic became “pees like a lady,” but WOO, MIKE DELL ON RAW.



Best: Fantasy Vs. Reality

Reality: Brock Lesnar only shows up to Raw every once and a while, but I enjoy it every time.

Fantasy: Brock Lesnar interrupted Roman’s fairy tale by leaping down from the ceiling and crushing his head with a goose.

Worst: Stay Tuned For A Short Video Package Announcing A Thing We’re Technically Announcing Right Now

On Monday afternoon, TMZ broke the story (“in print,” because that’s what those words mean) of Macho Man Randy Savage finally getting inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame at WrestleMania 31. Shortly thereafter, WWE.com put up their Raw preview and asked, “will Macho Man be announced as this year’s first inductee into the Hall of Fame? Yes. Tune in tonight to find out!” Then all of a sudden you’ve got video packages of people doing Macho Man impressions and Michael Cole saying that “sources” tell him Macho Man is “expected to be announced” as a HOF inductee. What? What’s the process here?

Movie studios will sometimes make announcements for teasers to teasers to trailers to popular movies and that’s a pain in the ass, but at least that’s done over a few months. WWE’s breaking news in the afternoon, pretending there’s some other source for the news besides WWE and teasing an announcement that they’re announcing later in the show. That’s absurd. At some point you’re just so far up your own ass you can’t believe your decisions are wrong, but yo, nobody watching Raw’s gonna find out about the Macho announcement and tweet their friends all “HEY MAKE SURE YOU TUNE IN TO RAW TONIGHT, THEY’RE GONNA PLAY A VIDEO PACKAGE FOR A THING THEY ALREADY TOLD US ABOUT TWICE.”

Best: Daniel Bryan Moving Around And Doing Things

Here’s some positivity for you: my favorite wrestler returning isn’t just an announcement anymore, he’s actually there in the ring doing wrestling stuff and being okay. He can throw forearms and speed into the corner with those amazing dropkicks and dive through the ropes without being carried away in an iron lung. That makes me SO HAPPY.

A lot (a lot) of the Stephanie McMahon and Daniel Bryan segment felt like a rerun, but I’ll excuse it because it’s necessary to work him back into stories. Bryan shows up to say hi to the New Orleans crowd that watched him win the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the main event of WrestleMania 30 (minus me, sadly) and gets interrupted by Steph, who shills a little merchandise and drops reality bombs like “remember what happened AFTER you won the title?” She’s there to be the Actual Christian Devil and try to fill Bryan with doubt, pointing out the very real possibility that he could get injured again as soon as he comes back and be gone for good. Bryan’s got INDOMITABLE SPIRIT THO and stands up to her. She reveals that Bryan will have a match on Smackdown, which is a thing WWE’s already announced a few times but sure. It’s against KANE, because every Daniel Bryan match is against Kane. They fight, and Bryan yesses.

I don’t really want to see another Bryan/Kane match, but it’s the match that makes sense. They’ve got this longstanding rivalry, Kane’s the member of The Authority with the most intimate beef against Bryan and he’s the guy who put him on the shelf. If they have a match on Smackdown that Bryan triumphantly wins, Bryan can move on to the Rumble to interact with all the Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury types and leave the nonstop Kane-athon behind. Besides, who doesn’t want to see a Daniel Bryan/Jamie Noble match on WWE TV in 2015? GLORY BY HONOR IV, Y’ALL.

Best: The Divas Match Ended In A Distraction Rollup But At Least Tyson Kidd’s Shirt Was Great

If I was a WWE Diva I’d cover my shorts in spikes, so anybody who tried to roll me up would bleed to death. Just stick my legs through the arm holes in the Road Warriors’ shoulderpads and start throwing hair-mares.

Paige respects Natalya, even though Natalya called her a “little bitch” and essentially plots her demise because in Diva terms, being catty and jealous but not forthright with it makes you a face. Tyson Kidd gets on the apron for no reason to cause a distraction, Paige gets rolled up and loses. After the match, she slaps him. Natalya and Tyson kinda stand there weighing a variety of emotional reactions before calmly walking to the back.

I don’t have a lot of nice things to say about this, so I’ll just point out Tyson Kidd’s shirt and say how awesome this guy’s closet must be right now. Supplemental Worst for the announce team referring to Natalya as a “crazy cat lady” when her husband is covering himself in cat faces and dressing like one at every opportunity.



Best: JUPITER SAT-TURN

I said most of what needed to be said in the announcement writeup, but Macho Man being in the WWE Hall of Fame is the most no-brainer induction ever, and it’s a shame it’s taken this long to make it happen. I’m not as big a fan of the guy as most, but objectively he’s one of the greatest wrestlers of all time, no question. His pop culture presence alone is more important than 90% of the Hall, and that’s before you dig in and realize his in-ring work was (at least for a while) as good as it possibly gets.

Great news. Now if we can induct Elizabeth, Owen Hart, the British Bulldogs, Rick Rude and the Big Bossman we’ll have covered most of the important snubs. Can we induct Lou Thesz next and get Stone Cold Steve Austin’s torso to induct him?

Worst: Hogan Inducting Macho

Don’t get me wrong, it’s the best choice. Nobody living is more directly associated with Macho’s career and legacy than Hogan. He’ll do the induction and Leapin’ Lanny will accept on Macho’s behalf. Maybe he’ll read a poem and throw out some frisbees. I’ve just spent my entire life watching the orange goblin lord himself over Savage’s accomplishments and yelling HULK HOGAN IS MORE IMPORTANT over all his victory speeches, so knowing the Leather Golem is showing up one more time to be the reason for Savage’s popularity is pretty depressing. Maybe I’ve just been watching too much Nitro, And 80s WWE. And everything else.

Note: I know they made up before Savage passed away, but in my headcanon you can’t get dissed like this and shake it off with some old man hatchet burying.

Best: Bu Ku Dao!

1. The Ascension squashes a little Asian guy who JBL calls a “goof,” because I guess nobody learned that “goofs sounds like gooks” lesson from Big Show. Maybe use a different word? Imagine if The New Day was wrestling and JBL was all THESE GUYS ARE ITCHIN’ TO FIGHT MAGGLE, ITCHIN’ LIKE A BUNCH OF CHIGGERS!

2. The announce team’s bizarre obsession with running down The Ascension continues. They cannot. stop. screaming about how disrespectful and worthless these guys are, and how their opponents are these hand selected cans who are Bayou swamp chefs or something and not actual pro wrestlers. Meanwhile, the Ascension’s tearing it up and the jobber’s bumping like a maniac to put them over. Let’s all work together! Todos juntos!

3. Said jobber is BU KU DAO, a recent signee from Louisiana’s WildKat Pro Wrestling. He’s good at being thrown around and eating ridiculous offense, so putting a guy like him in the ring with mayo on whitebread Konnor and Viktor is a great idea. If WWE utilized their developmental talent that specialize in bumping and landing on their heads to make clotheslines and shoulderblocks look great, The Ascension would look like a million dollars. Instead, it’s mostly average guys taking regular bumps for the Fall of Man and the announce team having to go OOOHHHHHH to make it seem painful. On Raw you don’t have the NXT team’s effort, so it’s useless.

Todos juntos, guys.

Best: Rusev Kicks Your Leg Outta Your Leg

The main event (technically) is Dean Ambrose challenging Rusev to an impromptu match, and while it wasn’t a very good match at all, I kinda loved it. The story is that Dean still isn’t healed up from his AMBER LANCE match against Bray Wyatt but he’s crazy loco, so he tries to make it work. Rusev is King Hoss and just kicks him in the leg until he can’t stand up, because if you’re a wrestler that’s exactly what you should do. Your opponent hurt his leg? Kick that leg to f*ck until the referee calls the match or the leg falls off. Targeting a weakened body part gets called “cowardly” sometimes, but Jesus, what are you supposed to do? See a guy blow out his knee and decide to work the wrist? Are you TRYING to win?

Rusev rules, and I love that he was so into running down Ryback he couldn’t keep his accent going. RUSEV’S GOT A SECRET FOR YOU, RYBACK. HE EATS AMERICANS AND DIGESTS THEM UNTIL THEY BECOME RUSSIANS. HE DOESN’T KNOW ANY MORE THAN YOU ABOUT HOW THE HUMAN DIGESTIVE SYSTEM WORKS.

Note: Pretty sure Hornswoggle in an alligator costume could beat Dean Ambrose right now. Just stand around until his Bad Luck Schleprock powers kick in and someone accidentally wheels out a civil war cannon and shoots him in the chest.


Best/Worst: A Great Go-Home Segment For Seth Rollins If The Rumble Was Sunday

The actual main event is a contract signing, because you usually sign contracts several weeks after you’ve announced the championship match at your pay-per-view. It would’ve been a really spectacular go-home segment, too, if the show was Sunday. It’s not, sadly, so we’re left with a cool, star-making moment that is in danger of being retconned or undone or painted over before the Rumble.

Everybody shit-talks everybody else and the papers are signed. I thought Heyman had formed some kind of alliance with Rollins after that cage match during Lesnar’s last Raw appearance, but Brock showed up all “hey, it’s you, the new guy” in Rollins’ face so I guess we aren’t doing that. Brock wants to beat him up now for weaseling his way into the title match and making it a triple threat. Cena wants to beat up Rollins because Rollins easily manipulated him into being an idiot and doing what he wanted. Rollins wants the title to verify that he’s the future and standard bearer of WWE, and he’s technically got two opportunities since he’s got a title match and a Money in the Bank briefcase. Lesnar wants to beat up Cena because he eats Cena for lunch. Heyman and The Authority are just kinda surrounding them going FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. It’s a pretty good setup, although they got all the way through the contract signing without anyone stabbing Brock in the hand with the pen.

I even enjoyed the finish, with TRIUMPHANT CENA doing too much macho posturing and getting American History X’d by Rollins. Rollins has that Ultimate Opportunist torch now, so he stomps Lesnar, too. I’m telling you, if we were heading into Royal Rumble with this kind of main-event momentum I’d be all for it. Instead, Brock’s probably not showing up until Philly and there’s this dead zone of John Cena Revenge looming on the horizon.

Keep your fingers crossed, everybody.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night

Billy Boy

Is there a Jimmy John’s logo on the ring carpet, because Bork just ate that curb stomp.

Cami

Typical american, has the title for almost a year without defending it, but the moment a hardworking immigrant wins it fair and square, he wants it back.

DoctorCAW

I hope when Brock’s last contracted appearance on Raw is him coming to the ring and pushing a gigantic button that says “Future” and walking away like a boss.

Spitty

Hey Jamie Noble, say something stupid!

Harry Longabaugh

I keep waiting for Bryan’s arm to fly off like Crispin Glover in Hot Tub Time Machine.

McFan

Dr. Ian Malcolm: Ah now, eventually you will plan on having wrestling on your wrestling show, right? Hello?
Vince McMahon: I really hate that man…

PittMan25

For Jimmy Uso’s next Macho Man impersonation, he’s going to lock Naomi in her dressing room for the rest of the night.

troi

The shape of Lenar’s head doesn’t makes sense.

The Longest Tard

Roman inner monologue: “Shut up brain, I got fans now – I don’t need you anymore!”

bigmeatyclaws

I feel bad for Roman’s daughter. Daddy’s stories suck.

Before you go, here’s an added bonus: future pro wrestling manager of the decade Chris Trew was live at the event and sent in a report.

Hi everyone. I’ve subbed in for Brandon on this column twice before so that means that whenever I attend a live event I get the opportunity to turn in a “live report.” It’s in my contract with With Spandex. Here’s my live report from last night in New Orleans:

Outside of the Superdome (which is not 2 miles away from the Smoothie King Center, Stephanie, geez) there is a tailgating area dubbed “Champions Square”. There’s a bar, an area for food vendors, and (most importantly) large photographs honoring memorable moments in New Orleans sports history. There’s the Saints SuperBowl 44 win, there’s a Pistol Pete Maravich shoutout, there’s LSU’s multiple national championships in the BCS era. I think there should be a Daniel Bryan Wrestlemania 30 spread as well. Not sure who to talk about that so if you know someone, let me know?

My biggest failure of the night was not getting enough people behind my “BAD AT STORIES” *clap clap clap clap clap* chant after the Roman Reigns bit. A kid in front of me said “I think he’s good at bedtime stories” and I quipped back “Yeah, this match is putting me to sleep.” I’m better at this stuff than any kid.

After the Ambrose “you sit while you pee” line got a huge laugh I said to my friend “what’s wrong with sitting down to pee, that’s what women do.” The previously-mentioned kid’s mom turned around and said with vengeance “women sit down to pee because we have vaginas. Do you know what vaginas are?” I think she was mad because I cheered for Rusev.

Other highlights included another little kid sitting near me who was either referring to two separate eras of John Cena or he just couldn’t make up his mind. While one half of the crowd was screaming “Let’s Go Cena” and the other half was all “Cena Sucks” (you know the drill), this kid was standing on his seat and yelling “Let’s Go Cena Cena sucks” all in a row and it was a moment I will always confusingly treasure.

Follow Chris Trew on Twitter

(Thanks, Brandon!)

You’re welcome! See you all next week.

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