On this week’s assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report we explore a nine-match show, 10 if you count the dark match, in which WWE formally transitions SmackDown into RAW by making it entertaining and impossibly frustrating at the same time. You’ll see matches that’ll make you want to tune in, followed by stuff you’ve seen at least 600 times since the beginning of January. Also, Team Cena makes an appearance!
Let’s skip the formalities and get right to it. This is the only place on the internet to find out what happens on SmackDown without watching it, even after it’s over, and shut up, that’s true.
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(reminder: these are actual SmackDown spoilers)
Dark Match
– Fandango defeated Bull Dempsey. I swear to God, I’m not making this up for a joke. I guess somebody in Stamford checked out Bull’s limp, silent run down in NXT and went, “wow, THAT’S the guy we should give a dark match. No, not the cool one. No, not the one who is great at wrestling. No, not the one the fans like. No, not any of the women who’d redefine what we’re doing on the main roster. No, none of the international stars or the homegrown guys who have been there for years or the tag teams or the announce team or the production people. BULL DEMPSEY. The guy in the embarrassing swoop-neck singlet who can barely work.”
Actual SmackDown Taping
1. Daniel Bryan defeated The Miz. The NXT Pro has become the NXT Pro’d! I’m actually excited to see this match as Bryan needs strong victories over guys who aren’t in The Authority, and Miz is doing some of the best work of his career, which means it’s probably 2 1/2 minutes long and Bryan wins with a hiptoss.
2. Ryback defeated Kane. We will never stop having Ryback vs. Kane matches, no matter how bad they are. No. Not even in the face of Armageddon. Never compromise.
3. R-Truth defeated Bad News Barrett. Dean Ambrose was on commentary and caused Barrett to lose a non-title match, thereby accidentally fulfilling the Intercontinental Championship prophecy and getting a glimpse into his future. In theory, the Intercontinental Champion should naturally lose non-title matches. Interference or sudden distractions should cause him to WIN, as we saw on RAW. Ambrose is crossing the streams.
– For what I believe is the first time, Bray Wyatt cut a promo.
4. The Ascension defeated The New Day. Between this and The Prime Time Players on RAW, The Ascension is now exclusively wrestling black tag teams. Remember when we joked that Rusev was racist because he only squashed black dudes? I think the truth is that too many black dudes get forgotten and end up as jobbers. Anyway, here’s a joke: The Ascension!
5. Roman Reigns defeated Luke Harper. Luke Harper’s trying to see how many Shield guys he can lose to in a week. Early reports say Roman looked “really strong,” but those are just rumors. You know the IWC is always making up stuff to get attention.
6. Big Show defeated Erick Rowan. Before the match, Show attacked Rowan and tossed him into the steel steps. Maybe we’re finally done hyping the 2014 Survivor Series and have moved on to TLC! That’s exciting, right? That was a pretty good show, right?
7. Paige defeated Cameron. This is what you get when you don’t let a co-worker borrow your sexy schoolgirl lingerie so she can wrestle without being embarrassed. During the match, Cameron Irish-whips Paige into the corner and demands the referee “count her out.” She also tried to draw a disqualification by applying a headlock.
– Goldust vs. Stardust was announced for Fast Lane. If that doesn’t build to something more important at WrestleMania, I’m building a table just to flip it.
8. Jimmy Uso vs. Tyson Kidd was a no-contest. They were interrupted by Rusev, who beat up everyone and cut a promo on John Cena. I’m hoping Tyson still found a way to blame it on Natalya. “You’re always letting these RUSSIAN PEOPLE interrupt my matches!”
9. Seth Rollins defeated Dolph Ziggler. False alarm on the TLC thing, we’re still building to the Survivor Series. J&J Security were banned from ringside, so Big Show and Kane took their place. That brought out Ryback and Erick Rowan to “even the odds.” Eventually, everyone got into a fight and J&J Security ran out to help anyway because, in like eight minutes, we’d all forgotten they were banned from ringside. The heels stand tall to end the show, and maybe the Vigilante Sting will show up and hold Team Cena’s hand again.
That’s the show! Let us know what you assume in the comments section below.
