Welcome to the assumptive WWE Survivor Series 2014 report, the only column online that tells you what happened during WWE’s 15th or 16th retread of the Survivor Series 2014 main-event. This week’s Survivor Series 2014 was headlined by a tag team match pitting Team Cena vs. Team Authority with nothing on the line and absolutely no consequences. This is the only time they’ll wrestle between Tuesday morning and Monday afternoon. You know, assume there isn’t a pay-per-view this weekend.
Sorry, what was I typing? SmackDown. This is SmackDown.
SmackDown:
(reminder: SmackDown)
– The show opens with Bad News Barrett interrupting Daniel Bryan, leading to Bryan and Dolph Ziggler teaming up and beating him up. This is honestly a really boring way to start the show, so I’m gonna make one up:
Daniel Bryan opens the show by revealing himself as MetsFan4Ever, notorious Reddit leak. He tells the crowd that Roman Reigns has failed a drug test, which means he’ll backdoor his way into another WrestleMania main-event. He’s interrupted by Roman Reigns, who stumbles out in a hospital gown with an IV in his arm. Bryan sarcastically explains that that’s not how drug tests work, but before he can finish his sentence, Reigns has gotten into the ring and Superman Punched him. That brings out Brock Lesnar, who says he’s tired of all this bickering and will just face John Cena at WrestleMania. Reigns and Bryan just kinda go “aw man” and shrug because that’s all they can do.
1. Dean Ambrose defeated The Miz. WWE should sign Angelico from Lucha Underground and make him Dean Ambrose’s stunt double. During the match, Bad News Barrett reappears from the crowd and tries to steal back his Intercontinental Championship. I wish every match and segment on this show involved BNB getting involved for no reason. Like, they’re in the middle of a Popeye’s commercial and the Popeye’s lady gets Bullhammered.
– Renee Young interviewed Ambrose backstage. They talk about Tumblr, and how much hotter Renee is than any girl who uses Tumblr.
2. Natalya defeated Naomi. Over/under on times WWE will show that failed dinner date skit before this feud is over set at 30.
– John Cena doesn’t work Tuesdays, so Jack Swagger interrupted a Lana and Rusev promo. He got beaten up and put in The Accolade, setting up whichever summer pay-per-views happened when they were feuding.
3. Daniel Bryan defeated Bad News Barrett. Because being the Intercontinental Champion means you lose every f*cking match in history. R-Truth was on commentary and stole the belt Barrett had just stolen back because hey, R-Truth’s losing all the time already, he might as well wear a fancy belt before he does it.
– Byron Saxton interviewed Roman Reigns backstage. Reigns said he loves Tumblr, baby girl. He went on to read the entirety of ‘Hansel and Gretel’ in a condescending voice.
– Backstage, R-Truth finds Dean Ambrose and gives him the Intercontinental Championship. This is not a joke.
4. Fandango defeated Curtis Axel. NXT REDEMPTION MATCH. Curtis Axel now has a clock that says how long he’s been in the Royal Rumble match, which in theory should’ve been invalidated by Dean Ambrose throwing him over the top rope the next night and saying, “Now you’re eliminated,” but who am I to get in the way of a good joke? Hopefully, Axel will remain employed and keep the clock until next year’s WrestleMania, which he enters in the No. 1 spot and wins. I want him to win every Royal Rumble until he retires so the clock never stops.
– Bray Wyatt googles, “current picture of the Undertaker” and shares it with his Facebook friends.
5. Goldust defeated Adam Rose. Stardust was dressed as one of the Rosebuds and attacked Goldust after the match. CM Punk is still secretly dressed up as the french fries guy and was GONNA reveal himself here, but he didn’t want to step on Stardust’s toes. So it’s another month of French Fries Guy, Voiceless Voice of the Other Voiceless.
6. Ryback, Erick Rowan and Dolph Ziggler defeated Kane, Big Show and Seth Rollins.
