The Assumptive WWE SmackDown Spoilers Report For 4/16/15

This week on SmackDown, EUROPE!

Welcome to the assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, the only place on the entire internet you can find out what happened on hours 4 and 5 of Raw before they air live (on tape). Nobody watches SmackDown and even fewer people read this column, so if you’d like to drop down in our comments section and build a nest and talk about Game of Thrones or whatever, I won’t be mad.

What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown
(reminder: these are actual SmackDown spoilers)

– John Cena opened the show by showing a recap of him beating Bad News Barrett on Raw and explaining the rules of a chain match. They’re doing the “you can use it as a weapon, to win you have to touch all four corners.” Translation: “Here’s a way John Cena could lose the belt without actually taking a fall, if somehow the planets align and that’s a thing we want to do. Plus Cena will have won the only match history will care about, and Rusev gets to win on the B-shows you’ll forget by Payback.” That’s a loose translation.

In tonight’s main event, the WWE Tag Team Champions will lose another match.

1. Bray Wyatt defeated R-Truth. Truth is Wyatt’s safety school. Whenever he loses to somebody important, he goes back and squashes R-Truth. Basically Wyatt can beat anybody who was in the Intercontinental Championship ladder match at WrestleMania, but nobody better. Later in the show he stood in a dark room and cut a promo that was 1,000% bullshit.

2. Bad News Barrett defeated The Miz. According to the spoilers, this was 20 seconds long. What’s worse, losing a long match nobody thought you actually had a chance to win, or winning a match that last 20 seconds and neither impresses anyone nor proves anything? Hashtag Give Wrestlers A Chance.

– The Miz and Damien Mizdow will have a match on Monday “for the Miz trademark.” You know what builds to a big Raw match? One of the guys in it losing in 20 seconds!

3. Neville defeated Sheamus. Don’t get too excited. Sheamus made fun of him for being short, then lost by disqualification because he slammed Neville on the announce table. Just kidding, this went 20 minutes and Neville won clean with the Red Arrow. Now Sheamus is feuding with Mr. NXT for some reason. In something that is sadly not a joke, Dolph Ziggler will be facing Sheamus in a “kiss my arse” match at Extreme Rules. I swear to God that’s not a joke.

4. The New Day defeated Los Matadores. We clap so we don’t snap. We Olé because we have to make it through the day.

– Big Show will face Roman Reigns in a Last Man Standing match at Extreme Rules. Maybe Kane and Ryback can run in and have a boring ass chairs match in the middle of it?

5. Cameron defeated Alicia Fox and Natalya. I’m hoping they meant “Naomi” and the guy who sent in the spoilers is just racist.

6. Fandango beat Adam Rose. You know what the world was dying for? A Fandango vs. Adam Rose feud with Rosa Mendes as a jilted lover.

7. Daniel Bryan and John Cena defeated Cesaro and Tyson Kidd. This was a non-title match because of course the tag champs are losing. These are TWO SINGLES STARS. Using WWE math, that always trumps an actual tag team. Oh, and in case you missed it, this happened. Cena and Bryan will move on to unrelated feuds while Kidd and Cesaro will just kinda sit in the dark by themselves clutching their strap-on pennies until that one Uso gets well.

And that’s the show!

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