Two things:
1. You should not watch Smackdown, and
2. You should always know what happened on Smackdown, both to keep up with continuity and to verify #1
That’s a tricky situation, but don’t worry, the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report is here to help. It’s the column that reads somebody else’s spoilers, jumps to conclusions about them without watching and copies-and-pastes them over here. It’s content aggregation! Also, terrible television!
Here’s What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
1. Seth Rollins vs. Kane was a No Contest. The show opened with Rollins making fun of Kane, because Smackdown is just hours 4 and 5 of Raw. Kane showed up and was unhappy, so they had a match. Kane said if Seth respected The Authority he’d lie down and take the loss, which Seth argued with but eventually accepted. Kane revealed that it was ALL JOKES, which makes EVERYTHING MAKE SENSE I GUESS, and made Rollins vs. Dean Ambrose. WWE wrote every character’s alignment and motivations on index cards, ran the cards through a paper shredder and mixed them up in a blender.
– THAT match didn’t happen, of course, so Smackdown starts with two “whoops, jk” matches in a row. Ambrose gets attacked by Luke Harper on his way to the ring, setting up Ambrose and Roman Reigns vs. Rollins and Harper. R-Truth showed up and joined the match, followed by Stardust and Dolph Ziggler and Bad News Barrett. I’m kidding, but that scared you, didn’t it?
2. Neville and Dolph Ziggler defeated Bad News Barrett and Sheamus. DO NOT COME UP WITH TAG TEAM NAMES FOR NEVILLE AND ZIGGLER, YOU’RE GONNA HAVE A BAD TIME. Sheamus has this issue where he’s condescending on Ziggler and Neville for being small, so the finish is them pinning Barrett. Because LOL.
– Bray Wyatt f*cking talked.
3. Naomi defeated Natalya. Natalya lost the match when a woman jumped into the air and pressed her butthole into Natalya’s face. Natalya could not withstand the pressure of running into somebody’s taint with almost zero force.
4. Ryback defeated Rusev. Rusev’s undefeated streak continues! Rusev lost the match when he hit Ryback with a chain. Based on the WWE Top 10 rankings, Ryback is now the #1 contender to the United States Championship and will face Cena at Extreme Rules in that chain match or whatever. Whoops, sorry, John Cena showed up in the clouds in the sky and said the match was still on.
– Apparently Jamie Noble and Luke Harper are now distant cousins through marriage, which makes me hope they bring in Nidia as Sister Abigail and tie everything together.
5. Kofi Kingston defeated Cesaro. To make that match result even worse, it ends after about a minute thanks to a distraction. BRB listening to Sarah McLachlan’s entire discography.
6. Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose defeated Seth Rollins and Luke Harper. Reigns looked really, really strong by pinning Seth Rollins with his two moves. Aren’t you glad the WWE World Heavyweight Champion’s on every show again?
