Welcome to the best weekly column on With Spandex that nobody reads because nobody cares what happens on Smackdown, the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report. If you’re new to the report — and you are, because you’re the first person to ever read it — we find Smackdown spoilers somewhere else, jump to conclusions about them and write them up like we’ve seen the show and are outraged at how bad it is. It’s what every wrestling fan does, but we have ads.
On this week’s show, Roman Reigns looks really strong. That’s still a thing we’re referencing!
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(Reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– Dean Ambrose opens the show with a promo, but is interrupted by Kane and put into a match. WWE works a lot better if you pretend it’s a Groundhog Day scenario where the show repeats until Sami Zayn gets called up and figures out how to not injure his shoulder and defeat John Cena for the United States Championship.
1. Dean Ambrose defeated Sheamus. The spoilers say Ambrose won after “a big uppercut in the corner and a quick pin out of nowhere,” so I’m gonna pretend he’s working a Mike Tyson from ‘Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!’ gimmick. “You think the speed of your fingers can match the strength of my fists?” Note: He says that while he’s bouncing upside down in the ropes.
– Russian President Vladimir Putin delivered a promo from a dark room backstage. This didn’t happen, but man, how great would it be if they recorded like a month of shoots of Vladimir Putin gasping a bunch and calling himself The New Face Of Fascism?
2. Seth Rollins defeated Ryback. This match was made by Kane, because “The Authority punishes itself” is a story none of us are tired of seeing. Bray Wyatt jumped Ryback during his entrance, and by “jumped” I of course mean “stood backstage and talked for several minutes about nothing.” Rollins capitalized on the attack because he is the ULTIMATE CAPITALIZER. It’s why they changed KENTA’s name, so Rollins could have that title.
– Naomi and Tamina want the gold. Hulk Hogan! They comin’ for YOU, Diva!
3. Tyson Kidd defeated Kofi Kingston. Kidd won with a sharpshooter and I swear to God, if Kofi didn’t tap out in the New Day rhythm I’m going to flip a table.
4. Neville defeated Bo Dallas. Neville wins with the Red Arrow, and I spend the entire match setting up a change.org petition to have Bo join The New Day as their well-meaning white friend who tries too hard. Imagine him doing clapclap clap when the rest of them are doing clap clapclap!
– Adam Rose and the Rosebuds were backstage having a conversation about that E:60 special, and how much worse the endless Rose/Fandango matches will be now that we know Rose is this awesome guy who deserves success.
5. Roman Reigns defeated Kane. The pre-match stipulation said there “must be a winner,” which is hilarious. John Cena should start wrestling in matches with “must hit the Attitude Adjustment out of nowhere and be totally fine” stips. Anyway, Roman won, but is defeating Kane on Smackdown in 2015 really a victory? I feel like it’s a Twilight Zone twist. A PUSH AT LAST.
And that’s the show! Spoil this week’s Smackdown for your friends and family and jump to conclusions in our comments section below.
