The Assumptive WWE SmackDown Spoilers Report For 6/11/15

Do you want to know what happened on SmackDown? Do you want to watch SmackDown? Don’t you wish there was a way to say “yes” to the first question without begrudgingly saying “yes” to the second?

Finally, the internet has a solution. It’s the assumptive WWE SmackDown spoilers report, the column in which we copy-and-paste over some SmackDown spoilers, jump to a bunch of conclusions about them without actually watching the show and share them here for the enjoyment of like 40 people. You’re person 11! Thanks for getting in early!

Here’s What Happens On This Week SmackDown:
(reminder: these are mostly actual SmackDown spoilers)

– The show opened with Dean Ambrose saying he lost the WWE World Heavyweight Championship somewhere in New Orleans, but promising he’ll find the title and bring it to Money in the Bank. All I want now is for Rollins to defeat Ambrose, only for a random homeless guy to show up at the top of the ramp (with theme music) and announce that HE is the TRUE champion.

1. Ryback defeated The Miz. The Miz does what he does best… be an accessory to somebody else’s feud. He did it in a WrestleMania main-event, and now he’s doing it for Big Show and Ryback. All I want now is for a random homeless guy to slide into the ring at Money in the Bank and Shell Shock the Big Show. Wait-

2. King Barrett defeated Jack Swagger. R-Truth was on commentary for the match and dressed up in Barrett’s king clothes, furthering that R-Truth vs. Wade Barrett feud you’ve been breathlessly talking about with your friends. I guess King Barrett now is the second worst guy on the roster, and Swagger’s spending Monday solemnly weeping over the lame corpse of Zeb Colter.

– Michael Cole interviewed Lana, but it was interrupted by Rusev. They should’ve just had Lana play eight-consecutive, increasingly mean voicemail messages from Rusev and stare at Cole with no expression. Dolph Ziggler could be in the background trying on slap bracelets and legwarmers.

3. Seth Rollins defeated Dolph Ziggler. Rollins won with a rollup after Ziggler became distracted by how weird hands are. Think about it. Aren’t they weird?

4. Paige defeated Alicia Fox. If Alicia Fox axe kicks a tree in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, does it make a sound?

5. Roman Reigns, Randy Orton and Neville defeated Sheamus, Kane and Kofi Kingston. The faces won by disqualification, because reasons. After the match, the spoilers from Wrestling Inc. describe the most exciting moment of 2015:

Neville went up and grabbed the briefcase while the rest of the Superstars were outside of the ring. Neville placed the briefcase on the ground before walking to the back.

OH MAN I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE THAT.

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