Every week, With Spandex rummages through the copy-and-paste wasteland (copy-and-pasteland) to find out what happened on SmackDown and write it up for the enjoyment of almost 35 people! This is that column. You’re person No. 35 this week, so we’re gonna shut it down for the week when you’re done reading.
Anyway, SmackDown is happening this week and it simultaneously sounds “pretty good” and “like the most numbingly predictable thing ever.” Your enjoyment may vary. Shoot for somewhere in the middle, that’s what WWE does!
What Happens On This Week’s SmackDown:
(reminder: these are actual SmackDown spoilers)
– The show opens with Sheamus and Dean Ambrose arguing about the Money in the Bank briefcase, leading to the most SmackDown thing in history… a show-opening handicap match with Dean Ambrose vs. Kane and Sheamus, Roman Reigns helping out and causing a DQ, and a tag team main event being made for the end of the night. Teddy Long could’ve worn a blue shirt and stared at the camera yelling SMACKDOWN for two hours and it wouldn’t be as “SmackDown” as that.
1. Sheamus and Kane defeated Dean Ambrose by DQ. As mentioned. Ambrose and Reigns vs. Sheamus and Kane is made for later. Sheamus and Kane should start calling themselves “Shane.” Ambrose and Reigns should be “Reignbrose.” They can be the most colorful tag team in the WWE!
2. Brie Bella defeated Paige. Alicia Fox interfered and cost Paige the match, proving that she would never betray someone. I’m really sad that match finish wasn’t “Brie Bella and Alicia Fox used Twin Magic.” WWE refs can only see vague impressions of light, they can’t differentiate complexes like faces or size or skin color.
3. Dolph Ziggler defeated Bo Dallas. Bo opened the match by making fun of Dolph and Lana’s relationship, which is how every single Dolph Ziggler match should start. They have less sexual charisma together than Diego and Fernando. Seriously, Dolph’s entrance is like watching a mom kiss their kid goodbye before he goes to school.
4. Neville defeated Xavier Woods. The Prime Time Players are running defense for Neville now, preventing the other members of New Day from interfering. This week’s Assumptive report is kinda light on jokes, but WWE guys should’ve evolved into this line of thinking by now. Almost every match ends with someone interfering or causing a distraction or music playing, right? Why not bring two of your friends to the ring and have them buffer that shit? You’d win like 80 percent more matches if you just said “hey friend, stand by the ring instead of watching from the back.” TOWER DEFENSE, YOU GUYS.
– Seth Rollins cut a promo about how Brock Lesnar is afraid of him. The Rollins family is asking for charitable donations in lieu of flowers.
5. Kevin Owens defeated Cesaro. Welp, guess I’m watching SmackDown.
6. Sheamus and Kane defeated Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose. Remember when I said this was the most SmackDown thing ever? Wait until you hear the ending: Reignbrose lose the match when Roman gets distracted (wait for it) by Bray Wyatt on the TitanTron. I wouldn’t be surprise if Ambrose is the one who accidentally rolled him up and pinned him, and then everyone sat around acting confused.
That’s the show!
