Welcome to the Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoiler Report, the worst regular feature on With Spandex. What makes it so bad, you ask? Yeah right, you aren’t asking anything, you didn’t even click the link. To answer you anyway, it’s about Smackdown, but we didn’t even watch it. We just read spoilers and jumped to conclusions about them. Watching the show’s bad enough, but we’re MONSTERS.
Anyhoo, if you want to know what happens on Smackdown this week, but don’t want to watch it, either, here’s what you need to know.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are mostly actual Smackdown spoilers)
– Seth Rollins opens the show with a promo, but he’s interrupted by Cesaro. I f*cking dare you to guess what happens next. If your first 10 guesses aren’t “they have a match that ends in a screwy finish to set up a tag team match later in the show,” you have never watched Smackdown and you’re precious and beautiful, so run, run screaming away from this spoiler report.
1. Cesaro defeated Seth Rollins by disqualification. The storied WWE World Heavyweight Championship run of Seth Rollins continues. Kevin Owens shows up on color commentary, and of course gets involved. They should make wrestlers handcuff themselves to the table if they want to do color commentary.
2. Los Matadores and The Lucha Dragons defeated The New Day and The Ascension. There isn’t much description about this in the spoiler report I read, so let’s hope it at least involves The Ascension trying to clap. The tag team division is heating up, if your definition of “heating up” is mindlessly jerking itself in a circle.
3. Rusev defeated Jack Swagger. Aw, remember when Rusev hated America? Smackdown’s in Oklahoma, so Swagger gets trotted out for a sympathy loss. After the match, Swagger goes up on Rusev to get back all that heat he lost from the match, or whatever. Is there a temperature colder than absolute zero?
4. Stardust defeated R-Truth. Neville apparently attacked Stardust during a post-match promo, because sometimes Smackdown is a bizarro land where the Bella Twins get hot tags. I’d give anything if one important WWE babyface was like, “Somebody saying something mean about me isn’t reason alone to throw the first punch, I don’t care if this is pro wrestling. I’m a decent human being.” Just one of them.
5. Cesaro and Dean Ambrose defeated Kevin Owens and Seth Rollins. The storied WWE World Heavyweight Championship run of Seth Rollins continues. Cesaro pins Owens with a rollup, because Cena beat Owens so hard at Battleground that he starts matches with 1 HP. The good news: Cesaro is winning Smackdown main-events!
Good news is important.
