Better luck next time, try-hards.
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Worst: Believing Your Own Hype
I tend to gravitate toward heels, I’m a sucker for pro-wrestling hyperbole and I generally think Seth Rollins is a top-notch talent, so I should enjoy him coming out to flog his own log at the beginning of every show, but lately it just does nothing for me. Egotistical heels need to come off like they actually believe their own hype. CM Punk and Chris Jericho genuinely thought they were the Best in the World. Even The Miz probably thinks he’s a pretty good actor. You take that core of ego and bitterness and then you build on it.
I don’t believe Seth Rollins thinks he’s the equivalent of Michael Jordan if he had won 20 more MVPs. I don’t think he thinks he’s an artistic genius on a level beyond the Rolling Stones or Beatles. Without something to ground his boasting, it just comes off like empty, joyless trolling. Seth Rollins isn’t a real person, he’s somebody screaming nonsense in your Twitter feed for a reaction. Worst of all, the over the top stuff is totally unnecessary as Seth has a long list of totally legitimate things to boast and/or be bitter about. Reign it in, Rollins.
Worst: And On And On And On…
Eventually bothersome little brother Neville came out to pester Rollins and yank Cesaro’s annoying “on and on and on…” catchphrase. Before Neville was forced to speak too many words, Cesaro himself strode out, also doing the “on and on” thing.
Guys, I hate to say it, but I can feel myself turning on Cesaro. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never tire of the guy’s wrestling ability, but his character is to wear. He interrupts and smugly challenges somebody on show after show, but he almost never wins. If you’re going to keep charging out and stepping to John Cena, Seth Rollins and Kevin Owens, you need to start delivering, dude. Not just cool moves, actual concrete victories. Maybe it’s just that the “on and on” thing is really f*cking grating. I dunno. Those Cena matches were great, but “guy who challenges his betters, tries really hard and then fails” can’t be Cesaro’s full-time character.
Worst: Dammit, Naomi
I have a real soft spot for Naomi. She’s a unique personality, the best promo in the Divas division and sexy beyond all reason, but man, she’s just not great in the ring, is she? I’ve tried to make excuses, but no, this match with Charlotte was pretty graphic evidence she isn’t on the same level as the recent NXT call-ups.
Everything was just kind of slow, and awkward and a noticeable step below what we would have got if Charlotte was in there with, say, Becky Lynch. Naomi even stole Cameron’s leg-drop splits into a terrible cover spot. At least she didn’t try to pin Charlotte face-down I guess. I still think Naomi has a lot of potential – at this point she has everything but the in-ring stuff locked down. Personally, I’d send her down to NXT for a few months for a feud with (hopefully) new NXT Women’s Champ Bayley and some tutoring from Sara Del Rey. I’m sure Sasha is more than capable of filling in for her as leader of Team BAD while she takes her make-up classes.
Worst: Stop Meathooking Yourself
Ohhh sh*t, it’s Ryback promo time. Why does WWE think these weird confessional promos where Ryback narrates the events of his own life are a good idea? Because they’re really not. I don’t need to hear about the magic of positive thinking from a Dragon Ball Z-looking dude in an airbrushed leotard. I will admit, Ryback’s spiel did end on a memorably nutso note when he started screaming about how he Meathook and Shellshocked the staphylococci bacteria in his knee. At least he didn’t say he ate his staph infection, but let’s be real, he totally ate his staph infection.
Worst: Dean Ambrose Has the Right Idea
Really Smackdown? You’re going to follow up Ryback’s fireside chat with a Bray Wyatt promo? Blissfully there was a pretty blatant edit that wiped out most of Bray’s no-doubt fascinating spiel. Even Smackdown, which has never met a filler segment it didn’t like, is wearying of Bray’s prattling. Dean Ambrose then interrupted Bray and announced that he didn’t actually have anything to say, so let’s get to the punching. I can be rough on him, but sometimes I really like this Ambrose guy.
Best: Roman Reigns vs. Luke Harper
This was one of Roman Reigns better matches in a while, which isn’t that surprising, as Luke Harper has pretty consistently been one of Roman Reigns’ best opponents. Unlike Reigns, Harper knows how to properly pace a match, and he’s big and physical enough that he can bull Roman into the proper positions. Hyper-ass Roman is all, “I want to run around an’ do cool punches an’ a Samoan drop, hooo-wah!” and Harper is “No, eat this Michinoku Driver and chill out in this headlock for a second. Yeesh.”
Of course there was still plenty of the usual Reigns running around, but it happened at logical points in the match. Reigns and Harper trading punches felt like a highlight as opposed to something they were just doing to fill time. Unfortunately the bout ended in DQ when Bray hit the ring, but it was solid stuff while it lasted. After the match the families did a bit of brawling, and everybody looked good and growly and intense. Now that Sting is no longer going to be at SummerSlam, this feud feels kind of weird and half-finished, but it’s probably going to be the highlight of the show from an in-ring perspective.
Best: It Is, What It Is
I continue to be torn by Sheamus. On the one hand, he’s boring as f*ck, but on the other, he’s one of the most realistically motivated guys on the roster. Him wanting to destroy Randy Orton so he’ll have a clear shot at cashing in his Money in the Bank briefcase is totally logical. Strategically sound, even. Also, Sheamus of all people saying we need new, exciting blood in the World Title picture is some fine quality heel work. Going back to the believably thing we discussed at the top of this report, I buy that Sheamus still thinks of himself as a brash up-and-comer who hasn’t got his due, even though his time has already passed. So yeah, Sheamus is a genuinely hateable, well-built character, who I nevertheless wish would fall down a manhole and never grace WWE TV again. It is, what it is.
Best: Big Round Hair
This wasn’t the most entertaining New Day segment ever since Big E’s pelvis was mostly on lockdown, and Xavier was actually wrestling, which meant he couldn’t be outside yelling funny things all match. That said, Titus and Darren vs. Big E and Xavier was a perfectly acceptable little tag match. Titus slinging Big E around like a sack of dirty laundry was fun, and I continue to be impressed by Darren Young’s sudden blossoming into a badass forearm-throwing ring technician.
Unfortunately Los Matadores and Lucha Dragons had to stick their masked noses where they don’t belong and cost New Day what would have surely been a triumphant victory. The tag-team division continues to be The New Day shaking their sweet butts at the top of the mountain, Prime Time Players stuck at base camp about half way down, and everybody else buried under an avalanche at the bottom. The New Day can even make little person shin-kicking humor funny…
That’s talent.
Best: Rejuvenating The Smackdown Tag Team Main Event
Another Smackdown, another thrown-together tag-team main event. At least this one had a different mix of guys, and thus felt fresher than most. No Dean Ambrose! No Roman Reigns! No goddamn Kane or Randy Orton! Other than Rollins being there, you could squint and pretend this was an NXT main event.
Speaking of which, it’s kind of a shame Kevin Owens and Neville never got a chance to cross paths in NXT, because watching Owens bully and toss Neville around was perverse fun. I’ve criticized Neville for already being locked into a dreary formula, but he broke out of it and had an actual wrestling match here, which was great, because I’ve missed real Neville. Hell, he even found a productive use for his “flip across the ring” spot, using it to get the hot tag. Of course Cesaro was awesome as usual, snapping off uppercuts and pulling off a cool as sh*t sunset flip into a Sharpshooter reversal.
Sadly, Cesaro managed to Cesaro things up in the end. He seemed to be honing in on a victory, but got distracted trying to swing Kevin Owens, leaving him open for a roll-up by Rollins. Another valiant effort. Another close call. Unfortunately, at some point the guy who narrowly loses all his matches is just a loser.
