The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 9/17/15: Karma On Karma On Karma

Things are not going well at the pants-optional prom.

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Worst: Keeping Sheamus Close Is Always a Mistake

Seth Rollins kicks off Smackdown with the usual recap and spiel about how he’s going to crush John Cena and Sting at Night of Champions. Later tonight, he’s teaming with Sheamus in a match against Reigns and Ambrose, but Rollins is fine with that, because he keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Gee, I wonder how that match is going to end?

And sure enough, here’s Sheamus to flatline whatever excitement this segment had. I don’t know why WWE insists on involving Sheamus in this storyline. Seth Rollins vs. Sting is a simple, exciting marquee storyline that doesn’t need John Cena, and certainly doesn’t need Sheamus. Rollins vs. Sting is a nice sizzling steak, John Cena is the side you’re not going to touch, and Sheamus is the loogie the disgruntled chef left on top. I guess the idea is that we’re supposed to be excited that Seth is almost certainly going to lose at Night of Champions, but this is overkill. WWE has already established that Rollins can barely beat Ryback fer crissakes.

Sheamus says Rollins will never see his cash-in coming, even though he’s been blatantly telling Seth exactly when he plans to cash in for weeks. They then bicker about whether or not Sheamus looks stupid. Personal drama between two unlikable dillholes isn’t particularly interesting. Moving on.

Best: Paige Turn Imminent

Naomi and Sasha Banks vs. Becky and Paige was some good, solid stuff. Naomi has upped her game, and doesn’t look so out of place next to the NXT grads anymore. Hell, they even give her all the best lines in backstage Internet videos with The New Day. Eventually, after a long heat section on Becky, Paige got the tag, ran wild and then, whoops, got rolled up after being distracted by her own partner.

So, Paige is on a losing streak. Losing streak storylines are one of the worst things WWE does, and Paige has done nothing to deserve being shoved into one, but I’ll allow it if this is the start of WWE breaking up the Divas division factions and letting everybody have individual characters and goals. It’s already pretty well-established that Paige doesn’t get along with anybody or really care about pinkie-swear sisterhood, so if a PCB meltdown is imminent, this is a good, logical way to go about it.

Best: Comin’ Straight Outta The Fifth Dimension

Welp, Stardust is cutting rhyming promos now. Clever rhyming promos. Dude rhymed “detention” with “apprehension,” “redemption” and “Ascension.” Can we have these guys find an Infinity Gem or Cosmic Cube or something, destroy everybody in the main event and take their rightful place atop the WWE? Like, soon?

Best: Wait 4 It…

We all know The New Day are pro-table, but did you know they’re also proud environmentalists? And feminists? Tables are made of wood, which was made by MOTHER NATURE, and you’ve gotta respect yo mamma! Douglas firs, have you seen them? They’re amazing! Make your voice be heard. Only you can prevent table poaching.

The actual match between Kofi and D-Von lasted less than a minute, when D-Von was distracted by his table lust and rolled up. Thankfully, in that time, The New Day managed to find a table under the ring and escort it to safety. Keep doing Mother Nature’s good work, fellas.

Best: Poppin’ 298 Bottles

This is the best possible Nikki Bella. I’ve always said Nikki was a good heel. She knows the right buttons to push. Nikki Bella in her tackiest, most inappropriate prom dress, unironically proclaiming “Oh, I’m so special!” and demanding to know when Kim and Kanye are going to show up at the Little Rock arena? Awesome. Nikki Bella as the inspirational pseudo-John Cena who SOME SAY actually started the Divas Revolution? Not so awesome. So yeah, let’s get this Bellabration staaaaarted!

Best: The Confidential Three-Ring Binder

Apropos of nothing, The Miz creeps up to Big Show backstage and hands him a three-ring binder labeled CONFIDENTIAL, filled with what appears to be blank paper. Big Show looks at it for a second, then throws it on the ground. What could’ve been in the binder?! I’m all a-tingle! A record of all of Show’s face-heel turns? No, there wasn’t enough paper in there. Proof that Show really is André the Giant’s son? Somebody crack a window, because the intrigue is thick in here.

Best: Cesaro, The Giant Slayee

Well, it’s official, Cesaro is a miracle-worker. The dude actually got a good match out of mid-2015 Big Show. What really made the match was that it broke from formula. The standard, approved way to beat Big Show is to take out his legs, then make many slow, dramatic attempts to lift him up for some sort of slam. Hit said slam and you win. Cesaro went a different direction, going after Show’s arm, which makes a certain amount of sense, because Show’s offense is almost entirely arm-based.

Cesaro pulled out all the crazy reversals, turning the dreaded SHHH chop into an armbar, and a chokeslam into a Neutralizer attempt. Credit where it’s due, Big Show also changed up his game, going after Cesaro’s legs. I suppose somebody always has to have their legs targeted in a Big Show match. So, a good, unique match until the end, when we treated to the all-too-familiar sight of Big Show dropping Cesaro with a knockout punch. Sigh. Another E for effort, Cesaro. No a Big E, though (then you might actually be a champion).

Best: Kevin Owens vs. Dolph Ziggler

Okay, this was a fun little clash of styles. On the one side we have Dolph Ziggler, pretty boy WWE product. On the other we have Kevin Owens, dad-boded, anti-WWE snark machine. I bet you can guess which one I was cheering for. Oh, also, Rusev showed up in a pre-match inset promo vowing that Dolph’s skinny arms and gift boxes would never taint Hot Summer’s heart, so I was doubly on Owens’ side.

The match basically consisted of Dolph ping-ponging off Owens until he got discombobulated enough for Dolph to sneak in a big move. It worked for a while, but then Owens hit Ziggler with a fallaway slam into the barricade, and started breaking him down. The writing was on the wall for Dolph, but then Ryback ran out like the big ruiner he is and attacked Owens for the DQ. As often happens, my thoughts somehow got transmitted to Kevin Owens mouth as he staggered up the ramp screaming “Mind your own damn business, you big idiot!” Yeah, what he said!

Best: Good!!

So, it’s time for the BELLABRATION and Brie is standing there with a clip board asking the security guy, “Did THIS person show up? What about THIS person? Or THIS group of people?” Can she not just open the door and look for herself? Has Daniel Bryan’s technophobia progressed to the point she’s not allowed a cellphone? Spoilers, Brie and her clipboard failed and nobody showed up to the Bellabration. Actually, I shouldn’t blame the clipboard. It’s pretty much a mini-table after all. This is all on you Brie.

Poor Nikki. Okay, so expecting Nicki Minaj and Miley to show up was probably wishful thinking, but what about her common-law husband John Cena? Brie couldn’t have mentioned this over dinner to Daniel Bryan? They couldn’t get Los Matadores to show up for free cake? What happened to your wedding planning skillz, Foxy? I know you have to defer to Bella leadership, but you know full-well Brie shouldn’t be planning anything ever.

Ah, but Nikki’s meltdown was a thing of beauty, and not just because she was constantly a millimeter from falling out of her dress. She bursts in the room wooo-ing and popping champagne, not noticing nobody’s there for a solid 15-seconds, because WWE Superstars are literally blind to anything a camera hasn’t panned to first. Once she does realize nobody’s showing up her first concern is that the DJ turn the music off, because why was he playing to an empty room to begin with? Brie and Foxy scurry off to “fix everything” because I guess Beyonce might be hanging out with Torito in catering. Nikki turns to pour herself a drink and we get our first glimpse of Chekhov’s slab cake. WWE rule: Any segment containing a birthday cake (a “Hah, take that, A.J.” cake also works) is guaranteed to make me happy.

Team PCB show up to rub salt in the wound, but they’ve covered themselves in party hats, so I can’t be mad at their passive-aggressiveness. Then, to add further insult to injury, Adam Rose uses this opportunity to debut his party-pooper gimmick on the main roster. Obviously, this is Nikki’s breaking point, and yes, here it comes, she tosses the cake, which hits Brie and Alicia Fox, who had to have been standing literally one foot off camera. WWE camera blindness is real, man.

I know the Divas Revolution is secretly designed to lend credibility to the Nikki Bellas and Eva Maries of the world, but you know what would really give Nikki credibility? Letting her do what she’s good at, and she’s good at forearming ladies in the face and playing this character. Give me more of both and I’m happy to have Nikki as champion until super face Bayley is ready to debut and destroy her.

Worst: Oh, You Sh*tbag

Update: The mystery gift Dolph Ziggler gave Hot Summer on Raw wasn’t a monographed cock ring, but a pair of expensive earrings. Wooooo! Dolph is all, “Sometimes a rose is just a rose, babe,” but then he sidles back on screen and is, “But sometimes it means more. WINK.” Jee-zus. You can chase all the blondes you want, you cad, they won’t fill the Schumer-sized hole in your heart and comedy career.

Best: An Unpredictable Predictable Ending

This was a perfectly okay Smackdown main-event tag match. Sheamus needs to stop getting on the mic at the beginning of his matches right damn now, but otherwise, Rollins was allowed to look more competent than usual, and Reigns’ hot tag was top notch as always.

Then, believe it or not, Sheamus decided to walk out on the match. I know! Thankfully, I suppose this was too predictable, even for WWE, so they pulled out a bit of a twist. Seth grabbed the Money in the Bank briefcase, goaded the dull-witted Sheamus back to the ring, then tagged him in and hit the bricks. Sheamus then ate the pin, which meant Rollins still lost, but at least he came out looking somewhat clever. I don’t ask for much. A minor twist on a overused trope like what we got here is all I need to enjoy an otherwise solid match. More mild creativity, please!

Best: The Wyatts Break Out The Final Cut Pro Again

Biff Tannenman has been missing something as a Wyatt Family member, and I haven’t been able to put my finger on exactly what it is. Well, aside from wrestling talent. Now I realize, it’s that he never got any creepy, horror movie-ish intro videos. Guy just showed up without the usual six weeks of teasing. They finally made him one here, and I immediately care about the dude 1,000 percent more. The Wyatts should wrestler maybe once a month, and the rest of the time they should only appear in sepia-toned film school shorts.

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