The Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report For 10/8/15

How to use the Smackdown spoilers column:

1. Remember that Smackdown exists
2. Be interested in what happens on Smackdown, but not enough to watch it or read closely
3. Wait for me to find someone else’s spoilers report and jump to conclusions about it
4. Agree with the conclusions I’ve jumped to, even though they’re mostly jokes
5. Do not watch Smackdown

Steps 6 and 7 are “???” and “profit” respectively. Here’s what happens on this week’s Smackdown:

1. Big E defeated Dolph Ziggler. The day-old New Day push continues! The Dudley Boyz tried to help, but suddenly realized they’re a niche joke from a ’90s indie promotion about a woman who sleeps around too much and ends up with a Slap Shot-style collection of weird, ignorant trailer-park half-brothers, and failed. TND held Ziggler’s foot down while E pinned him.

2. Charlotte, Becky Lynch and Natalya defeated Nikki Bella, Brie Bella and Alicia Fox. WWE should bring in Kenneth Parcell and have him manage the faces as “Team NBC.” I’m not sure what else happened, but I’ll get our “which word can’t the Bella Twins pronounce” Bingo cards ready for Thursday.

3. Ryback defeated Rusev. This Rusev angle is never going to stop tricking me into thinking it’s going somewhere creative. Rusev said he likes the girlfriend he didn’t at first, and would be into marrying her if he could win a singles title. Now he’s going to lose a bunch of matches to build sympathy, because he wants to get married and can’t until he’s fulfilled a promise to himself. That’s an INCREDIBLE babyface move. Instead, he’ll probably just get mad at her.

4. King Barrett defeated Neville. This is what we get for those “Neville wrestles Stardust on every show” jokes. After the match, Stardust cut a promo on Neville to set up Stardust vs. Neville on every show.

5. Randy Orton and Roman Reigns defeated Bray Wyatt and Braun Strowman. Team BIG SNAKE wins by DQ when Wyatt attacks them with a weapon. After the match, it turns into another New Day vs. The Dudley Boyz fight for some reason and Xavier Woods gets put through a table. I’m sure it plays better on TV, but from the spoiler results it sounds like they had “New Day vs. Dudleys” as the original main event, moved everything around and forgot to change the finish.

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