Welcome to the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, a weekly joke about not watching Smackdown rendered kinda meaningless by the fact that I have to watch Smackdown now. Let’s try to keep kayfabe: these reports are for people who want to know what happens on Smackdown without having to actually tune in, or base their opinions on what actually happens.
In this week’s report, the WWE World Heavyweight Title Tournament continues with some surprise winners. I didn’t even know Jinder Mahal was back, much less in the finals!
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
(except for the Jinder Mahal thing, that was a joke)
– The show opens with The Wyatt Family cutting a promo about how they’re super sh*tty at kidnapping and soul harvesting, and how much it hurts to have people with seniority ignore everything you’re trying to do. They just punch you in the face instead of going along with your cool bayou magic stories. Wyatt proposes a match for Survivor Series: the Brothers of Destruction vs. two Wyatt Family members of Bray’s choosing. I can’t wait to see what happens, since Raw showed me Kane and Undertaker can beat up all four of them at once!
1. Braun Strowman defeated Fandango. I really hope Bray Wyatt isn’t choosing people based on whether or not they can beat Fandango. If that’s the case, hell, put me on the team.
2. Tournament Match: Neville defeated King Barrett. The way Wade Barrett is losing matches lately, you’d think he was still Intercontinental Champion. Neville advances when King Take-A-Pin takes a pin. Dear Wade Barrett: I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. Everything.
– The Usos said The Wyatt Family is stinky, because they’re grown-ups.
– In a segment that probably won’t air on TV, The Undertaker beat up King Barrett. It’s sorta like those a-holes who see a cat running across the street and steer their car to try to run it over.
3. Tournament Match: Kalisto defeated Ryback. Before you get too excited, remember that this was for a chance to face the winner of Alberto Del Rio vs. Stardust in round two, and while I don’t want to jump the gun on spoilers in a spoilers column … yeah. Del Rio’s making too much money and his airplane seats are too nice for him to have to wrestle Ryback. Too bad the tournament brackets aren’t fluid and we can’t get Neville vs. Kalisto in round two.
4. Tournament Match: Alberto Del Rio defeated Stardust. Yep. Del Rio won when Stardust made the mistake of coming within 100 feet of Alberto Del Rio and was instantly turned to stone.
– Roman Reigns assures us that he’s not a sell-out. The lady doth protest too much, methinks.
5. The Uso Brothers defeated Luke Harper and Erick Rowan. Quick, guess who won’t be wrestling The Undertaker and Kane at Survivor Series! The match ended with The Wyatts beating up the Usos 4-on-2 until being interrupted and/or immediately defeated by ghostly approximations of Kane and Undertaker. The Wyatts will rest in peace at Survivor Series. We go off the air with Corporate Kane making I-9 forms rain from the ceiling.
