The Aces And Ehs Of Impact Wrestling 6/15/17: Hey Now, Hey Now, Don’t Dream It’s Over


Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and—hopefully—friend. I’m also a very busy person with a less-than-ideal technology situation, which is why this week’s installment of Impact recappery has arrived late. But the point is that it’s arrived at all. I haven’t given up on Impact yet, I promise, just like I haven’t given up on my love of pop music. You’ll understand that second part fairly quickly into this week’s recap. So I expect the rest of you to react the same way when it comes to reading and sharing this and all of my Aces And Ehs recaps.

Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world.Previously: Impact Wrestling came to India, and while that was groundbreaking, it didn’t magically erase all of Impact’s problems.

ACE: Ain’t No Party Like A S(ony SIX) Club Party

This week’s Impact gets started off pretty well with a good-old fashioned gauntlet battle royal, with a little synergistic twist. It’s an invitational, but sadly, there is no bowling trophy to be found. Instead, it’s a pretty tasteful trophy for a match that basically works to say, “We told you we went to India! We have pictures!”

The Sony SIX Gauntlet Battle Royal is kind of a weird match, as fun as it is. You see, it starts with Matt Sydal and Suicide, which made me think it was an X-Division thing at first, and then Davey Richards’ arrival didn’t change that line of thinking, especially since it still guaranteed a pretty high quality gauntlet battle royal. Swoggle’s arrival also didn’t change the X-Division theory, though it certainly lowered the quality … Then KM showed up, and at that point, I had no idea what I was watching. Not exactly in a bad way, but this match really served as a reminder that battle royal entrance numbers are a very specific art form, and they’re the difference between an interested reaction and a confused one, at the very least. Still fun, but it makes you think, how in the world did Prichard choose the participants?

And yes, I laughed at Swoggle’s initial attempts at mounting offense in this match. But then I got distracted by how much KM’s height highlighted just how close in height Davey Richards and Swoggle actually are. So I guess now we know why Davey Richards is so angry all the time. Hopefully Eddie doesn’t accidentally pull his pants down at Slammiversary.

EH, sort of: Who Invited You?

“Mr. Personality” Davey Richards shows up again too, though his back and forth with the crowd isn’t as important here as it was last week. Instead, his grudge against the people of India gets pushed aside by his “FIGHT FOREVER” feud with Eddie Edwards, which is pretty great… Except Impact does it a disservice, just like they did last week.

Remember, last week’s show had commentary going on about how Eddie wasn’t on the India tour. Well, more specifically how he had stayed back to tend to this wife, even though all of the social media thrown on the screen (thankfully absent from this week’s show) revealed that he was in fact in India. You (and by “you,” I mean commentary) can easily explain away that he just chose to fly in later than originally planned — we don’t need to acknowledge that these episodes are all shot at once — but commentary absolutely drops the ball by not reacting with even a hint of surprise over Eddie being in the building or in the match.

Both Eddie and Davey have fully done their jobs in this feud; any problems with the storytelling are coming from Impact and the commentary side of things. It’s little things, but the little things obviously matter, as the X-Division Championship story proves.

EH: I Don’t Want No Scrubs

The battle royal honestly starts off so well, and then somehow, the final two participants are Mahabali Shera and KM. Actually, I only mean “somehow” when it comes to one-half of that equation, because Shera makes perfect sense as the conquering hero of this match. He’s the hometown hero, and last week’s video package set the stage for Shera doing something bigger. Throw in his father and brothers being in attendance and Impact actually seeing the value in someone winning in their hometown, and the win makes perfect sense.

As for KM, his presence in the final two feels more like a true lack of convincing enough (and story-available) heels in the match, as well as Impact possibly wanting to keep Kongo Kong strong-ish. (Moose is clearly only even in this match because he’s the most credible member of the roster — who would be “low” enough to be in such a match — to be able to eliminate Kong.) KM getting pinned doesn’t matter, no matter how big he is. In fact, the best thing KM does in this match is lounge as he watches Spud dig himself deeper and deeper.

The problem with KM ending up in the final two is that it leaves Shera with an opponent who’s not going to do much to make him look good wrestling-wise, because he simply can’t. Even up against a more talented wrestler than both men, like Matt Sydal, KM never once looks like he can move fluidly or even like a regular human being. As a result, the offense of his opponents also ends up looking rather terrible against him. And we know from his vignettes and in-ring promos that he doesn’t make up for any of this with his mic skills, so I suppose the best thing I can say about this is that he makes Shera look really good in comparison.

ACE: Ooh Aah Just A Little Bit

This week’s show has the perfect amount of Impact authority figure screentime, by having Bruce Prichard and Scott D’Amore join in awarding Shera his battle royal trophy. That’s it. There’s not even a promo from Prichard about why this trophy will change the course of history for Impact (and his podcast) as we know it.

ACE but just because it breaks the scale: I’m Just A Teenage Dirtbag, Baby

Fact: Josh Mathews’ “public sparring event ” ensemble would make even early “Chick Magnet” Miz cringe. Everything about failed fashion podcaster Josh Mathews would make any version of The Miz cringe, but we’ve officially reached a new all-time low here.
Fact: At the same time, Josh Mathews’ Swanton Bomb may actually be better than every current wrestler not named Jeff Hardy, Nick Jackson, or Kay Lee Ray.
Fact: When it comes to the gym, Josh Mathews skips leg day. Every. Single. Time.
Fact: The worst part of the sparring event is actually Bobby Lashley showing up to help Josh Mathews, simply because: 1. Bobby Lashley has no reason to help Josh Mathews (or anyone on the entire roster) out and 2. Unlike the ridiculous match that occurs, it’s a moment that clearly only happens “because the script said so” (especially as it sets up a match for next week, without Mathews).

ACE: If I Had A Million Dollars

First of all, it’s kind of surprising that EC3 goes the translator route instead of privileged white guy with a guru route, isn’t it? I mean it’s amazing, but still — bless EC3 for zagging where anyone else would usually zig. There’s still time for EC3 to get a guru though, it’s just not happening this week.

Second of all, it’s completely surprising that a segment when EC3 calls himself “Ethan Singh III” (aka “E-Singh-3”) and comes out with an Indian remix of his theme isn’t an offensive mess. Instead, it’s a “you people,” cheap heat segment that actually pushes the boundaries of those types of segments; the way he makes sure his insults of the inferiority of the crowd is mostly about his problems with management, so it’s not just him hating the crowd to hate the crowd and be called a bad guy. It’s legitimate frustration, coupled with delusions of grandeur. Oh, EC3. I’ve missed you.

After the mess that was the barbershop “quartet” redux, this is the type of segment that EC3 needed. It’s the type of segment that plays to his strengths while also providing the audience with a reason to actually boo him. Here, he’s clearly the bad guy, but his charisma and ability to choose the right spots for humor — like when he eventually gets stuck in a freeze frame in one of his pointing to the translator moments — that’s what EC3 is all about and what made him so entertaining in the first place. These tapings may be just the thing to get the EC3 character back on track, especially if he continues to play up his superiority complex and his absolute mean streak. “There is one Golden God, and his name is EC3.”

Bonus points to the audience member who was so excited to boo that his glasses flew off in the process, by the way. Bless that guy.

ACE: Pinch Me

I found myself begrudgingly enjoying the Jeremy Borash/Joseph Park antics in last week’s Impact show, especially as they existed in what was quite a mess of an episode. But in a rather solid show, with really good jokes, I have nothing to feel bad about loving this week’s misadventures. In fact, it was the kind of humor where I couldn’t even believe it was happening, whether it was Borash and Park reciting the lyrics of Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” or discussing the enigma that is Scott Steiner, it was the type of thing that hit my humor spot perfectly.

Regarding the Steiner parts, it’s already perfect when Park brings up out of context Steiner math, but once he actually plays the videos, all bets are off. “How’d this guy even get over,” he asks, watching two classic Steiner Impact videos (Steiner math and ring announcer Steiner), but the segment is smart to also get to the actual in-ring stuff and how Steiner isn’t just a meme. Yes, he’s a good meme, but he’s more than a meme when it comes to his overall in-ring work. (Who even knows how much he can go these days? Slammiversary is going to be a doozy, isn’t it?)

Then there’s the other necessary aspect of all things Steiner and Impact: his hatred of the fat. I understand very little of Steiner’s video call to Borash and Park — there’s something about stepping on dog crap in the park and then… corn on the cob? — but once he goes on about how much he hates “fatasses,” everything makes sense. Especially Park and Borash’s fear of Steiner, which I consider the best and most understandable part of this whole story. Now that Steiner knows Borash is also fat, no one is safe.

If Josh Mathews and Scott Steiner versus Jeremy Borash and Joseph Park ends up being the best match on the Slammiversary card, I don’t know how I’ll react.

And for the sake of arbitrary rankings: In terms of Barenaked Ladies references in pop culture, Borash and Park’s “Chickety China” moment is not at the level of Suburgatory (an entire plot dedicated to a dad band’s need to play “the Chinese Chicken song”), Supergirl (an entire plot dedicated to a main character’s favorite band — in 2017 — being the Barenaked Ladies), or even Two Guys and A Girl (an entire episode musically narrated by the actual Barenaked Ladies), but it’s at least above Community.

This is not a bash on Community, but in the great hierarchy of BNL and pop culture, Community is simply not at the top. Not when a DC Comics television show has an entire plot about its resident badass being obsessed with BNL, and no one at any point in the episode or season addresses how weird that is.

ACE-ish: ‘Cause You’re Everywhere To Me

Last week, I pointed out how impressed I was with LAX and their ability to move “the cut” to India specifically for these tapings. This week, LAX informs us all they are not in India, and they’re actually still in the United States. Yes, after years of having to write Jeff Hardy out of months of tapings during their yearly UK shows (even when he was champion), it turns out Impact could’ve just explained away the absences with the concept of prior criminal activity.

Next week, LAX begins their version of the Expedition of Gold, which involves beating people from other promotions and stealing money from promoters (the same way the Hardy’s “stole” the tag belts from Konnan’s promotion).

EH: Who Do You Think You Are

Braxton Sutter, huh? What’s his deal?

Seriously, what’s his deal? Because even Allie has stuff going on outside of their relationship. Sutter had some interactions with Kongo Kong and KM, but he really hasn’t gotten outside of “happy to be here” X-Division territory. And you know what? Sienna’s right when she calls him a doofus for wearing a beanie in over-100 degree heat.

ACE: Never Had A Dream Come True

15 years. Impact Wrestling has been around in one form or another for 15 years, and in all that time, Sonjay Dutt has somehow never been X-Division Champion. Now, when Dutt was originally tearing it up in the X-Division, he was faced with competition like A.J. Styles, Samoa Joe, Christopher Daniels, Chris Sabin, and Kazarian. But at the same time, Michael Shane/Matt Bentley found a way to have two X-Division title reigns among that competition, mostly thanks to a literal relation to Shawn Michaels. And Johnny Devine — aka the guy you always forget was part of Paparazzi Productions but definitely was — also got a crack at being X-Division Champion.

For even more context, Shawn Daivari has been X-Division Champion, and I struggle to find a form of measurement where Shawn Daivari is more deserving of the X-Division Championship than Sonjay Dutt.

Now that the history lesson portion of the recap is complete …

I understand that people want to say Impact is trying to get in on a piece of the Indian pie like WWE is currently doing, but even ignoring that these Sony SIX tapings have been on the table for quite some time, I can’t agree with the argument at all if it says Dutt winning is only a symptom of that. If anything, the India of it all makes for kismet, as Dutt should’ve gotten at least a transitional championship reign a long time ago. I listed those past X-Division champions, and of the big names who were also Dutt’s contemporaries, it seems pretty clear that Dutt’s only major problem, despite how good he was, was always that he wasn’t as good as or better than those people, in the ring or as a character. Maybe the “good hand” argument could be used, but considering the division was and still is stockpiled with a bunch of wrestlers that have been called “good hands” (which I just criticized Braxton Sutter for), that’s neither a point in nor against his favor.

So even though it’s ridiculous that the title has eluded him for this long, Impact comes out with a win in the story they tell on his way to finally achieving that goal. This is all about Sonjay Dutt having a dream and it not coming true, and as I pointed out last week, while the story they’ve been telling is absolutely good enough to work outside the context of these India tapings — and with Slammiversary right around the corner, that could have easily been the coronation itself — all the chips have fallen perfectly into place for them to do it here. Low-Ki accidentally messing up Dutt’s eye was honestly the best thing to happen to Dutt, but getting to win the X-Division Championship off that story fuel was definitely the second best thing. An eye for an eye, indeed.

And Dutt, Low-Ki, and Impact’s production team have handled it all tremendously. For the last part of that equation, as this story addresses how there are 15 years of Dutt getting punked out by Low-Ki, it’s absolutely perfect that Impact has most of the footage to go along with that. In fact, as my brother said while watching this episode, “Someone tell Low-Ki to stop stomping on him!” Because that’s what it’s been: 15 years of Low-Ki (and sometimes even Senshi) stomping the crap out of Sonjay Dutt. Dutt has a dream of winning, Low-Ki is the warrior who has to wake the guy up from that dream, and the viewers at home and audience in attendance get to watch that dream come true.

It should be no surprise that the two men tear it up in the ring, but as far as storytelling goes, it keeps right up with their ring-work. Now it’s time for the rest of the show to follow suit.

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