Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling — that’s what this is, it probably won’t change again — coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend.
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Previously: GFW! GFW! TACO BELL! GFW!
ACE: The Easy Ace Rolls On
You — unfortunately — know the drill by now.
Also, commentary doesn’t call attention to it, but the referees all wear pink armbands for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Don’t tell Susan G. Komen.
ACE: E-LI-SNAKE
Besides just general decency, Impact Wrestling starts the episode off right with a video package dedicated to Victory Road’s main event and the Eli Drake/Johnny Impact feud. I’m already looking forward to their match at Bound For Glory — lol let’s not joke about Garza Jr. winning next week — and the story itself is an interesting one going into it.
You have champion Eli Drake with a mean streak a mile long, telling everyone “I told you so” every chance he gets. He’s going to do anything possible to keep the championship. Then you have Johnny Impact, boo hooing about things not being “one-on-one,” thinking he can get by on mindgames and couch thievery and flash, but still not having an answer to Eli Drake. Also, Eli Drake has a Jim Cornette-sized chip on his shoulder, but that won’t matter at all once these tapings are over.
I really only have one request: Please don’t have Johnny Impact win at Bound For Glory, Impact Wrestling. It would just be a continuation of the former WWE guy cycle, and if you could pass up repeating history for just one moment, it would be really great.
Then, in the opening segment, Eli Drake Gravy Trains his suit jacket a la Ric Flair. He even makes sure to be a little disrespectful to women — and in the sleazy, tacky heel way, not the misogynistic commentator way — so it’s a true homage to Flair.
Also, for like two seconds during this segment — so, the first two seconds of their entrance — it looks like Chris Adonis finally figured out the whole suit thing. But no, he did not. In fact, close-up, he looks like a bouncer (or personal security guard) in an episode of a CBS sitcom from the early 2000s. “YUMMY, YEAH” is basically the opposite of Chris Adonis, no matter how much he claims to “love [him] some Eli’s Cakes.”
EH: You Tried, Kinda
I was not expecting Impact Wrestling to try and pretend it doesn’t do commentary in post-production, but it definitely does this week. And it … Well, it tries.
So Eli ditches Chris Adonis (after creating some cracks in the relationship by getting him a match in the first place) and apparently heads to the commentary table. Of course, the camera doesn’t really follow him from the ring to commentary, because it’s not possible. And then we see Johnny Impact backstage, storming to the ring, and Eli Drake says he has to go feed the meter outside. Johnny interferes in the Adonis/Garza Jr. match and eventually has to be contained by officials … and that’s when commentary says Eli Drake is back at the commentary table.
Except, he’s not? It’s confusing: From the ring, Jim Cornette addresses Eli Drake (and Chris Adonis), looking directly at where he’s supposed to be. But they’re never in the same shot and the camera keeps having to switch between the two. And this is how much the camera zooms in on Drake when it cuts to him, now with popcorn:
He did not have popcorn at commentary.
EH: Could You Maybe Try Where It Counts?
Oh boy, here we go.
So if you thought that Impact Wrestling would follow up on LAX jumping Johnny Impact and Garza Jr. in last week’s main event — after Garza Jr. surprisingly made the save for Johnny Impact — you were wrong. At least in how this storyline would go, because instead of good guy Garza, what we get is… Alright, first of all, Eli Drake sets Chris Adonis with a mystery match to feed the “fever” and “fire” he saw in him after last week’s beatdown. The challenger ends up being Garza Jr., and for some reason, the match ends up being a lot of Chris Adonis holding Garza Jr. in a wristlock. On commentary, JB calls Garza Jr. “a serious threat to [Eli Drake’s] title reign.” Based on what, no one knows.
Then the aforementioned Johnny Impact interference comes in, causing Adonis to win by DQ and confusing Garza. The referee tries to get Johnny off Adonis and fails, then Garza tries to get Johnny off Adonis and almost gets punched out. Jim Cornette and other officials come out, and Cornette has this to say:
“Johnny, Garza. You guys wanna fall for the stuff they’re pulling and you gonna fight each other? I’ll tell you what: Save it for when you’re getting paid for it. If you wanna fight that bad, next week, right on Impact. It’s gonna be Johnny Impact and Garza Jr., face-to-face, one-on-one.”
And this is where I’m confused, because what stuff are Eli Drake and Chris Adonis pulling to get Johnny Impact (an actual threat to Eli’s title) and Garza Jr. (a guy who just had trouble beating Braxton Sutter, the B.S. Man) to fight each other? What connection do Johnny Impact and Garza Jr. even have outside of the latter trying to help the former last week? Why was the latter trying to help the former in the first place? And now, why are they so angry at each other? Seriously, Johnny and Garza go Total Nonstop Testosterone all of a sudden. JB says “bad blood erupting” when Johnny and Garza start brawling, and my notes just say, “WHAT bad blood?!?”
Like I pointed out, from the moment Eli “goes” to commentary, this whole part of the show is just poorly edited. It’s like they took whatever was the original intent of the segment — the stuff in the Impact Zone with Cornette — chopped it up and then had Eli come do commentary in post to try to “fix” it. It did not succeed. Also, is this why JB thought Garza Jr. was in a main event tag match a few weeks back? How deep does this go?
Anyway, lol at Garza Jr. main eventing Bound For Glory. I mean, it’s well-documented that I like the guy, but come on.
ACE: American Top Team, Always And Forever (For These Two Weeks)
It seems bad phone calls are my new favorite aspect of Impact Wrestling, and Moose, my dear Moose: You do not disappoint. There is just something so special about Moose ranting on the phone re: how he’s “looking for Bobby”… only for him to then say “I know exactly where to find him.” Then he goes back to “looking for Bobby” mode, and while some people might call this phone call the argument for scripted promos, I call it the gift that keeps on giving. Specifically when Impact Wrestling makes sure to repeat those particular lines in the second video.
God, this video is so good, and it continues to prove that King Mo is the best. MMA is Actually Good and professional wrestling is… Well, you see what happens to Moose here, right? I don’t know what my favorite part is. Okay, that’s a lie — my favorite part is King Mo immediately clocking Moose when he steps into the cage, erasing any semblance of Moose being an actual tough guy. But then that’s followed by Lashley getting him some and then the rest of American Top Team stomping the crap out of Moose. Moose is literally thrown out of the facility and into the harsh light of day.
Oh, wait. You thought I was grading any of this on a scale of how good it makes Impact Wrestling look? In that case, this would be an unequivocal EH, just like this entire storyline. I’m really excited for — after months of reminding us that professional wrestling is stupid and fake — the resolution of Moose saving the day for stupid and fake professional wrestling and Bobby Lashley deciding that he wants to keep doing the stupid and fake thing.
ACE: Low-Ki! You’re Alive!
Don’t ever leave us again! (Shh. Let me have this.)
Also, how effective do you think Ortiz’s drinking style really is?
EH: Stop Trying To Make “oVe” Happen, It’s Not Going To Happen
Well, oVe’s tag championship reign is already so underwhelming that the Impact Wrestling YouTube is pretending that matches against jobbers are championship matches. It’s probably just another Impact Wrestling mistake, but it’s easy to buy they want to sell oVe as “fighting champions” this way. At least the full match has Jeremy Borash finally address — meaning, they were probably reminded before commentary — that the tag title match at The Crash involved two other teams besides LAX and oVe, as well as the fact that oVe wasn’t even part of the decision.
So I counted: In this squash match, Jake Crist starts an “oVe” chant five times. The fifth is the tandem chant with Dave before they hit their double team finisher. And as expected, Dave says it much less (only thrice, counting the tandem chant).
Even worse than the “oVe” chanting lady from last week, there’s apparently a crew of oVe (and Andrew Everett) fans who are front row center. One of them cos-plays as Jake Crist (okay) and has a sign that says, “Jake, Twinsies???” They all have matching shirts (some have matching purple bandannas), and as soon as the match starts, the cos-player leaves and the rest of the crew talk among themselves, backs turned to the cameras. Cos-player returns eventually during the match, but the talking among themselves continues through the whole match and for the rest of the show. This is not the first time this has happened at on episode of Impact Wrestling, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it were the same people as the ones I mentioned last time.
ACE: Future Knockouts Champion, Allie. Future Global Champion, Sienna.
Hey, Sienna opened the door on that one by saying she was “totally down for” facing the dudes now that she has no more new competition to beat. (Taya is busy with Rosemary. So while commentary doesn’t say it, that’s why they’re not part of this segment or the Bound For Glory match.) Become Global Champion, then we’ll talk about Hall of Fame status for Sienna. But I do have one note: Sienna should have Laurel Van Ness induct her, not KM. Love yourself, Sienna.
And if we’re basing it all on crowd reaction, Allie has to win the title at Bound For Glory, right? The crowd is so hyped when she says “But I’M ALLIE!” as her argument for getting a Knockouts title shot. They love her, they want her to succeed, and while Sienna, Taryn Terrell, and Gail Kim all argue over who’s been a better Knockouts Champion, none of them really need the title. (Sienna is arguable, since she’s the top heel of the division.) Allie’s reign was but a blip in the record book, and what’s more feel good than everyone’s favorite babyface truly being bound for glory?
ACE: Dummy, Yeah
$100 for a photo with Grado? You’re all getting conned.
Joseph Park (of course): “The boys told me you could charge these marks anything.”
Speaking of what the marks will buy, let’s talk about the next segment …
EH: Who Booked This Crap?
I held off on addressing this in my recap of Victory Road, because I wanted to give Impact Wrestling the benefit of the doubt before I got frustrated with this. That was dumb of me, because I write thousands of words every week about why Impact Wrestling has lost the right to benefit of the doubt. The frustrating part is of course Andrew Everett teaming with Trevor Lee (and Caleb Konley). I assumed that this match would include a pre-match segment or video package where we have Everett and Lee talking, with Lee buttering Everett up and Everett refusing to trust him. Or maybe an explanation from Jim Cornette as to why he put Everett in this match — his return match — teaming with his biggest rival.
Nope. Instead, a big fat reset button is hit, and no one cares. Because NORTH CAROLINA. Andrew Everett (wearing the official Trevor Lee uniform) even holds the ropes open for Trevor Lee, alongside Caleb Konley. (By the way, just because it’s another Impact Wrestling recap: It’s “KONLEY.” Not “CONNELLY.” Not “KONNELLY.”) Josh Mathews is tasked with “explaining” this on commentary:
“Andrew Everett and Trevor Lee used to loathe each other. Somehow, someway, Trevor Lee has brainwashed these guys to join the Cult of Lee.”
Oh, okay. It’s fine now, I guess. Wait, no — the only cult I want to see in Impact Wrestling in American Top Team, because at least that nonsensical storyline won’t have Moose joining them offscreen after the blood feud.
I remember when Low-Ki returned and won the X-Division Championship,effectively sweeping the rug out from Andrew Everett and what was supposed to be his star-making feud with Trevor Lee. As good as it was to have a pro like Low-Ki wearing the belt and getting the division back on track, it was very troubling to see them completely kill Lee and Everett’s momentum. Trevor Lee obviously got his momentum back, but now look at Andrew Everett.
Also worth addressing … The babyface team in this six man tag match, all the possible challengers for Trevor Lee, and the winners of this match? All (very whiny, apparently) veteran wrestlers, beating the younger talent, and (given the company’s track record) probably going to win the title from the younger talent. Meanwhile, Dezmond Xavier is not part of the Bound For Glory X-Division title conversation. But at least he got a trophy!
Little Petey Pump: Lives
$100 (for a Grado photo opp) to the first person who can explain what Petey Williams means when he says:
“I’m gonna recreate my legacy, the original Canadian Destroyer way.”
This Week, On SCRUBS:
Show of hands — who expected to see Santino Marella on Impact Wrestling this week? I mean, I’m sure we’ve all expected him here at some point in his life, but who guessed it would be on Global Forged, a thing that is still happening?
Last week, Scott D’Amore only talked to three finalists. Apparently there are six finalists though, so we learn that this week. I’m not going to write about all of them, because I’m not a Global Forged recapper, now am I? But one of the finalists is Mike Rollins, who is probably the most recognizable indy name of the bunch. Another is a guy called MM3, and he says things like:
“Every time I step into that ring, I’m gonna be the best MM3 I can be or I’m gonna die trying.”
Luckily, he won’t win because “EC3” is a thing, but he should also be disqualified for thinking that sentence made sense. Then there’s Jake Something, who tries to get himself disqualified by being called “Jake Something.” Actually, if it turns out his name comes from Less Than Jake + Something Corporate, all is forgiven and he should win. Sorry, Mike Rollins.
EH: What A Waste
That’s it. That’s all I’ve got.
EH: There’s No “Coherent Storytelling” In “Team”
Let’s see where we are in the GFW/AAA “war” this week:
- JB says early on that Texano and Fantasma are pretty much AAA’s James Storm and EC3, in terms of their begrudging relationship. There’s no implication of that in the match itself or in any of the segments for this storyline prior, but hey, why expect that?
- Texano and Fantasma are “united in this one fight, united in this battle, in this turf war between these two companies.” What turf, exactly, are they warring over?
- When EC3 gets on fire during the match, Josh Mathews says, “This is what you want to see. If you want to see Team Impact reign supreme tonight, this is what you want to see.” Who cares though? Who at home is watching and getting really riled up about “Team AAA” (they keep pushing the team thing here) beating “Team Impact?”
- Actually, this really is just for bragging rights, as Josh Mathews says this is all about both teams wanting to say they work for the best promotion. I mean, they can just say that. For example, it’s not like anyone else at Impact Wrestling cares enough to join this fight or help EC3 and James Storm, and I’m sure they’d also say they think Impact Wrestling is the best promotion. You can just say it, especially when that’s very clearly not what started this nonsensical feud in this first place.
- Josh Mathews, after this match and signaling that this won’t end: “What does this mean next for these two groups?”
- Eddie Edwards does not exist.
- EC3 and James Storm are still fighting their love for each other, even if the fics aren’t.
ACE: James Storm
James Storm single-handedly wakes this crowd up once he gets the hot tag in this match that lasts approximately 20 hours.
Sure, there’s some good stuff in EC3 and Storm not wanting anything to do with each other in the match, but… Last week’s whole thing was about them getting over that and knowing they need to work together for the common good (pretend that’s what this is for). Yet this match has an annoyingly long amount of them deciding to say no thank you to that. But James Storm saves the day and the match, even if all he has to show for it is Pagano holding his legs down while Fantasma pins him.
Speaking of legs, look at the way Fantasma sells a clothesline from EC3 (who’s always an ACE, just not as much as James Storm here):
ACE: Well That Makes Sense
Konnan: “Why you get mad so fast?”
Santana: “I got daddy issues.”
Daddy issues explains literally everything about LAX and their attitude. “You can’t tell me what to do, Steve! You’re not my real dad! *crotch chop* *blasts Papa Roach*” That’s LAX. I’d say it’s also oVe, but that would mean actually knowing anything about oVe other than they like to “Steve Holt!” their tag team name. Goodnight.
Now it’s your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap, because otherwise I won’t be able to keep these up. Come on, I’ve got to at least get to Bound For Glory.
