The Aces And Ehs Of Impact Wrestling 9/14/17: The Jerk Store Called

Hello, and welcome to weekly GFW Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. Do you like reading about a wrestling show where terrible people are terrible and everyone acts surprised they’re terrible? Oh boy, you’ll love this. Well, maybe not the show itself, but you will love trying to figure out how something like it gets made.

Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here, With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world.

Previously: Impact messed with the space-time continuum, and I was tasked with trying to make sense of it all.

EH: Um, Card Subject To Change?

As of this recap’s posting (because there’s always something new after the episode actually airs), Impact Wrestling* has announced that this year’s Bound For Glory will be in Ontario. Canada makes sense, since it’s Anthem Sports’ homebase and they even just moved Impact headquarters there. Plus, while the Impact Zone worked surprisingly well for one of Impact’s biggest shows in the form of this year’s Slammiversary, it couldn’t hurt to have its even bigger show outside of the amusement park. Given the way Impact’s been hitting the piped in cheer/boo sauce lately, it appears they might need a break from the Zone of Impact.

Thing is, Impact supposedly already announced (via Jeremy Borash, so we can now add this to the “maybe JB is actually bad” list) that the Impact Zone will host Bound For Glory. They announced this at the last tapings, in between setting fire to calendars, planners, and Josh Mathews’ Apple Watch. (You know that if anyone on the damn Impact staff has an Apple Watch, it’s failed men’s fashion expert Josh Mathews.) From our scoopsters back during the tapings:

It appears they even announced it in their one of their weekly conference calls:

You know what? This isn’t even a “card subject to change” situation. It’s more like another example of this company, in its latest form, not knowing what it’s doing at any given time. You know how AJ Styles says his favorite thing about WWE (besides the catering) is how professional it is? Specifically how he knows who’s in charge there? I’ve spent most of these recaps writing about how the onscreen product couldn’t even figure out who was in charge here, and with every shifting behind-the-scenes situation (no matter how much they want to just call it the ‘nature of the business’), there’s never quite an actual answer there either.

*Get ready for rebrand number [the limit does not exist] anyway: None of the new promotional materials for Bound For Glory mention “GFW” at all, and as I am sending this recap out to the internet, GFW is no longer the name of the game. If you remember from all the rumors that Anthem and Impact’s employees have so vehemently denied, one of the more “LOLTNA” aspects to come out was that Jeff Jarrett still owns the GFW name and an official merger never took place. And he’s basically been ousted from this company. So, despite the rush to make Impact all things GFW, from top the bottom, the people who own the company don’t even own GFW. Oh, and Jim Cornette is also out of the company after these aired tapings.

So, are they going to be going back to the old titles, or … ?

EH: [Expletive Deleted]

“With the way she’s dressed, she’s asking for this.”

I’ve surprisingly not gotten a bunch of “If you hate it so much, why do you even watch it?” questions when it comes to these Impact recaps. In fact, reception has been pretty positive, especially with regards to the acknowledgement that I’m not writing these things just to be pedantic or tear Impact down. I try to highlight the good, I deconstruct the bad, I watch segments I otherwise would have fast forwarded if I weren’t being paid to cover this show. The thing that tends to be the most frustrating to me is just willful incompetence, which is why I go crazy about Impact not knowing how to use a calendar or Brian Hebner being the worst referee.

But even all of that doesn’t quite get to me the way Josh Mathews’ hateful comment — a hateful comment that doesn’t even come with the irony to make it work — about Allie. It’s become a constant with his commentary when there’s an Allie segment, essentially calling her useless and even calling her a tease, and it’s been another thing to yell “shut up, Josh!” But “she’s asking for this?” The rapist defense? He says it after Garza Jr. removes his pants and tosses them her way, which unfortunately makes typically charming Garza Jr. comes across as sleazy. Josh then continues to go on and on about Allie’s skirt and basic existence as a woman in a ~man’s world~.

Neither Jeremy Borash nor Josh Mathews scream “the voice” of any wrestling promotion, but Mathews specifically sticks out because he’s the voice of a company that’s TV-PG but tries to pretend it’s edgy with constantly bleeped out language (and references to how WWE is bad, unlike them). Bleeped out language that just adds to the tuning out of a product that shows time and time again it barely puts out the amount of effort t you’d expect for a company that regularly comes back from death’s door. Josh Mathews is basically the voice of “extreme” Mountain Dew, only Josh Mathews is the guy who dreamed of living in the Mountain Dew lifestyle. I’d say he’s Pepsi Blue, but would be an insult to both Papa Roach and Sev. Whatever is the preferred beverage of self-professed pick-up artists, that’s Josh Mathews.

Josh Mathews is not a good commentator, and even if his rapport with JB is better now, that still doesn’t make him good. He has a caustic, whiny voice, and he doesn’t actually add any color to the show, despite the title of color commentator. Who, exactly, is more over because of Josh’s commentary? Who has Josh’s commentary helped look good or like a monster? I’ll wait. (If anything, Mathews calling Lashley “the unstoppable juggernaut of force” only worked because of Lashley, not Mathews’ cringeworthy delivery of it.)

While the Slammiversary feud ended up going well, it didn’t actually change the problems that were there before. People wanted Josh gone because he actively hurt the product. People didn’t want to listen to his voice to watch the show. Who willingly wants to listen to his voice for two hours, especially when he’s spouting hateful garbage? Especially when he’s spouting hateful, sexist garbage about the women, who were once the only thing keeping this company afloat ratings-wise. I know no one who works at Impact actually watches the product, but if they did, I don’t see how they could think his work is any good.

But Anthem also did absolutely nothing about this. They just draw the line at being publicly intoxicated.

TL;DR:

ACE: This Poor Match

I’m not even saying that misogyny is off the table for a heel, because Braxton Sutter’s transformation into Jerk Boyfriend Braxton Sutter the B.S. Man has been the best thing for him. After all, I haven’t asked what his deal is in weeks.

It’s a shame the commentary is an aural assault too, because it’s a good match with a good story. Though, I don’t know what to tell you about the Impact Zone being 100% behind Braxton Sutter and only really reacting to Garza Jr. when he does the pants spot. Then again, Sutter puts on a good display, and even I’m kind of behind them in their “THAT WAS THREE” moments for the guy.

The funny sad thing about this is that these two are wrestling faster than the “lightning fast” X-Division exhibitions we tend to get on this show. I know Braxton Sutter is technically an X-Division guy, but they seem to forget that (and it’s not mentioned during this match at all), because the X-Division only exists in terms of the championship situation. It’s also weird how commentary keeps going on about how Braxton has “some personal issues going on,” but I also think I’ve made pretty clear that this commentary team isn’t good at actually telling a story.

EH: The Name Game

This week, we learn that despite focusing only on the legacy of Hector Garza when discussing Garza Jr., Garza Jr.’s full name is Humberto Garza Jr. You see, all of a sudden, JB only refers to Garza Jr. as Humberto Garza Jr. I get that that’s his name… but literally nothing else on the show indicates that he should be referred to as anything other than just Garza Jr. It doesn’t make him seem more familiar — it just makes it seem like Impact can’t even make up its mind on a form of presentation they’d already committed to. It would be like if WWE commentary started calling Natalya only “Natalya Neidhart,” while still going on and on about how she’s Bret Hart’s niece.

EH: Caught In A Bad Format

If you watch the product — or at least read these write-ups — you’ll know that the only reason EC3 is the current Grand Champion is because of Bruce Prichard’s full heel turn. That moment officially confirmed what I had been arguing about the current status of the Grand Championship match, specifically that its convoluted gimmick only had more problems by making known entities the judges.

Impact goes on and on about the Global Force, but as I’ve written before, talent like El Hijo De Fantasma are just “guests” of Impact. They’re not the same full roster members as someone like an EC3 or a Moose. Garza Jr. is actually currently working as the best example of merging Impact with its Global Force partners, but when commentary is calling guys like Fantasma and Pagano “guests from AAA,” you’ve officially othered them. So why should I believe that Impact would give one of its championships to a “guest?”

This is a championship that lives based on the judges, and even though they apparently all promise to be super good and call it down the middle, there’s literally no reason to believe they wouldn’t want to keep the championship on someone who’s at least on the roster. Bruce Prichard awarding EC3 the win just because he’s a heel should have led to either a return of the nameless, faceless judges or (since Impact just insists on having this title) an onscreen vetting process for the judges. Hector Guerrero ruling for EC3 — despite being a representative of AAA — doesn’t make Impact look right for showing that the judges are clearly impartial. It just highlights that there will always be a question about the actual impartialness of these judges until the format is changed up.

As for the match itself, while there was some good stuff, like the TK3 to the outside or even just the strategy Fantasma had to win Round 2 by pinfall or submission, it’s really just another Grand Championship match. Meaning, I wish I could fast forward past it, then remember I have to actually watch it, and so on. The post-match heel turn and beatdown of EC3 doesn’t exactly come with any type of context (other than Fantasma being upset Hector Guerrero didn’t side with a AAA guy during a split decision)…

ACE: “E! E! EC3!” Would Make A Fine Chant

… but hey, Eddie Edwards makes the save, officially giving Eddie something to do and possibly making EC3 a reluctant face in the process. The Grand Championship looks to be the endgame here, so it’s not exactly easy to get excited about that part of it… But you know I support anything that gives Eddie Edwards and EC3 something to do.

ACE: The Power Of That Dope DVD Collection Will Set Us Free

The GHC Championship is cool or whatever, but who do you think is Eddie’s favorite Charmed One? I’m thinking he’s a Paige guy. (Davey Richards was obviously a Prue guy, which is why The Wolves split. That’s a shoot.) Yes, it’s most likely the Charmed DVDs are Alisha’s but that doesn’t mean Eddie can’t have Charmed opinions. Anyone who has turned on TNT on a weekday morning — and that’s most people in America — has Charmed opinions.

EH: Geez, Just Don’t Mention Dates

On last week’s show (September 7, 2017), oVe challenged LAX to a tag team championship match. LAX accepted for next week (September 14, 2017), with the caveat that the match would be on their home turf, at The Crash in Tijuana. Alright, all of that makes sense.

Cut to the segment itself, and Impact makes sure to put the date the match took place (September 2, 2017) on the screen. What reason is there for this, other than to remind everyone nobody at Impact has any idea how a calendar works?

Look, most people know and understand that Impact tapes in advance. I say “most,” because you’d be surprised how many people actually seem to believe them when they say the show is “Live.” But in order for the audience to properly accept that, the little things about it have to make sense. Impact should know when things are going to air and when things don’t line up. And they shouldn’t actively draw attention to something like the fact that the match oVe demanded last week already happened the week before. All they had to do is not mention “September 2, 2017.” There is absolutely no reason for it, and again, I have to call out just amateur it is.

50% ACE, 50% EH: The Escape

100% EH to the strip club segment. Just like the bleeping, it’s simply boring. And it’s not even that I’m anti-strip clubs, but there is literally no reason for this, other than to bring back more of that Diet Squirt edginess to Impact.

And who are the men oVe greet at the beginning of this episode? If you’re selling Ohio Versus Everything, and you sell this Tijuana excursion as it being them out of their world, why would you insert even one second of them having allies or being cool with anyone there? Why is it so hard to tell a consistent story?

Look, Impact showing clips of supposedly important wrestling matches happening in other promotions is not as cool as they seem to think it is. At least, not the way they intend it to be. If the Global Force apparently hinges on basically announcing certain matches and not even showing them in full to the Impact audience (while the Impact Zone audience doesn’t even get to see the clips either, despite presumably looking forward to the match), then you should be able to see why the Global Force isn’t all that great. Again, all that TripleMania footage was a lot of “look at a bunch of people you don’t know and also some people you do know, losing to them.”

Remember when the American Top Team stuff started, with each segment saying, “look at how cool and professional and real this is, unlike Impact and pro wrestling?” Impact showing footage from other promotions again makes them look mediocre. It doesn’t matter if they’re all in the same Global Force.

But from what we see of the title match at The Crash, the match itself is pretty cool. In fact, because it’s a faster, lucha libre style, we get to see oVe actually perform well and in a style more fit for them than the much slower Impact style. And they’re absolutely torn up after the match too, so you know they just went through a war. This is the type of thing the audience should get to see to finally be sold on oVe, or Impact should just speed things up in the ring.

Of course, the actual “decision” to turn this into a four-way is stupid as hell. Is the logic that, if LAX were to lose to any other Crash talent, they could at least just take the titles back because Konnan is the boss? I’m pretty sure that’s not what the point was, but since it makes no in-story sense why they would add more opponents to their match (and I get that the match was already booked and blah blah space-time continuum), we have no answer. Wait — LAX pins a non-oVe tag team, so I guess that at least makes sense for the future, “you never actually beat us” argument.

EH: Why Wouldn’t Impact Just Sponsor Grado? Why Wouldn’t Anyone Just Look Up Laurel’s Nationality? Why Wouldn’t Joseph Park Just Marry Grado Himself? Why Does Anyone Want Grado To Stay?

Moving on.

EH: What Exactly Does Cornette Think Is Going On Here?

Why is Jim Cornette the only one privy to Dan Lambert being a “leech?” Why is this now the argument against Lashley joining American Top Team full-time, and why was it never mentioned as any part of it when Jeff Jarrett was involved in the storyline? Also, why is Jeff Jarrett no longer involved in the storyline? These were all taped before the TripleMania stuff, and until these past couple of weeks, he was the clear Impact authority figure in this storyline. Now it’s Cornette and the monetary pissing contest the story once was (I guess) is now a story about manipulation and possible swindling?

If Dan Lambert is such a leech and snake oil salesman, then why was Impact allowing Lashley to work with him in the first place? After all, Impact has confirmed that Jim Cornette has the power to change contracts at will (remember when he showed he didn’t know anything about TMZ by saying he put an anti-TMZ clause in Lashley’s contract?), despite only being with the company for a minute. God, this storyline is so dumb.

EH: Actually, What Does Lashley Think Is Going On Here?

I���ve written that the frustrating thing about this American Top Team story on Lashley’s side of things is that’s it’s really just a power struggle story with him as a prop, a tool within it. And now, after his promo at the end of the episode, I’m amazed that even this tool doesn’t know what this storyline is about.

Yes, we all get the basic concept of choosing professional wrestling or MMA, but this storyline has failed time and time again to make such a simple story make sense. Jeff Jarrett and Dan Lambert are basically arguing over Lashley’s career and already agreed-upon contract.

We know no particulars about Lashley’s actual contract and if his professional wrestling has ever even affected his MMA career, but they argue like we do. And people like Jarrett and Cornette keep yelling about how Lashley is making a ton of money in Impact (sure, Jan), which would apparently be impossible for him in MMA, because … ? MMA doesn’t make money? Dan Lambert is a thief?

But the thing Lashley zones in on when it comes to MMA and leaving pro wrestling behind has nothing to do with any of that. It’s actually kind of a sad excuse: MMA is where all his “real friends” and “real teammates” are. It’s something he touched on last week with the TripleMania footage, but yeah, the reason Lashley is leaving professional wrestling is because he has no friends there. The man cuts numerous promos about not wanting any friends or teammates in professional wrestling, and then he decides to leave because he has no friends or teammates in professional wrestling. And that’s what this storyline is about, at least from Lashley’s perspective.

His promo also has him saying he was “forced to make a decision” about wrestling or MMA, even though this entire storyline has always been about him having the option to do both (an option King Mo, who never shows up with the American Top Team douches, supports).

EH: You’re Only Fooling Yourself

I figured I’d just keep the American Top Team stuff all together.

Despite how big of a deal Lashley is to Impact, I feel like no one would actually say the MMA storyline is or should be THE major storyline of the show. Especially, because (except for late addition Moose) this story is very insular, barely featuring wrestlers outside of Lashley. This story is literally Lashley making a business decision, and despite confrontations with random backstage James Storm or fighting for the bronze against Matt Sydal, this story doesn’t exactly inspire too much outside interaction. It’s not like a championship story, where there can be multiple contenders, and it’s not even like LAX versus Alberto, which also found a way to include Veterans Of War, who exist.

Yet this story is made the focus when Eli Drake wins the world title or when it ends up being the actual main event after the #1 Contendership match for the world title. (Commentary calling Johnny Impact versus Low-Ki “the main event” is a slap in the face, as the show is obviously going to close out with Lashley and his story that they spend the entire match hyping up.) Again, Lashley is a big deal, but this isn’t exactly a big deal story. Maybe if Lashley weren’t on a losing streak or if he was in championship contention, but he’s not, and they continually put him above the actual champion and that contendership. If you’re reading this, you know exactly the point that’s being made when another storyline regularly takes the focus from the actual main championship storyline.

EH: Words. Have. Meanings.

How many times did JB and Josh go on about Lashley’s “unconditional release” while also immediately mentioning the condition in said release. Lashley’s release hinges on one thing: his confrontation with Lashley. JB literally says Lashley was “given his unconditional release, courtesy of Jim Cornette, if he goes face-to-face with Moose.” That is a direct quote and something he keeps saying, apparently never once understanding what “unconditional” means.

The again, Lashley — when he goes back to Jim Cornette to “say [his] goodbyes” and recap their earlier meeting, for some reason — tells Cornette that he “never” appreciated him. The man just started this job, so I have no idea why Lashley is taking his ball and go home because he’s offended Cornette never complimented his headband.

And then they announce they’re not giving him his “unconditional release” because of, well, conditions. Even better, he continues to be a tool in this story, as this wording exists: “Lashley will be at our disposal when required. That is all.”

ACE: Impact Tries Its Hardest To Make This An EH though

“Hey guys, check it out: I’m American too. Can I join your team?”

Richard Justice is very simple, and that simpleness seems to cost him every single week. But hey, you miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take, Richard!

The reason I say Impact works to make this is an EH is because:

1. Commentary keeps going on about how American Top Team were supposed to leave the building — and were even supposed to be escorted from the building — but we’re shown no attempt from anyone else in Impact to actually escort them out of the building. This isn’t as bad as Scott D’Amore basically apologizing to them for beating him up, but it is a continuation of “everyone in Impact hates American Top Team and wants them to leave, yet they don’t do anything to make them leave.” Cornette at least bans them from the building, but since everyone else in Impact doesn’t seem to understand they can just make them leave, there’s literally nothing to enforce this decision.
2. JB is somehow surprised that Lashley, a known bully, associates with a group of other bullies. He acts as though Lashley wouldn’t be down with American Top Team if he knew they beat up nerds, even though he also beats up nerds. (Besides Josh, for some reason.)

ACE: Sonjay Really Britta’d It

The pay-off to constantly looking like a punk after some delusional caveboy stole your championship is to… never stop looking like a punk and possibly also end up with a concussion from all the trash can head shots you take in the process. Who knew?

The outside parts of the match are absolutely brutal, as indicated by the mention of those trash can head shots, but the Impact Zone stuff is good too. It’s little things, like Sonjay Dutt throwing a chair into the ring, only for Trevor Lee to immediately throw it back out. And knowing how things go on the outside, you can see that the Impact Zone is really just Trevor stalling until it’s time to destroy, basically sacrificing his body until he’s tired Sonjay out enough for the double team to be effective. Sonjay, as we’ve been seeing since he won the title, doesn’t plan things — he really should’ve had Petey help him, since he can only do things if Petey helps him — and that ends that.

EH: Canadian Bootcamp

I realize they’re students at a wrestling school, but maybe Scott D’Amore shouldn’t have let any of those charisma vacuums cut promos about how they have “it.” Also, he should reconsider the title “Global Forged,” because it is backyard wrestling bad. Wait, I think I figured out Impact’s next rebrand!

ACE: Actually For The First Time Ever

As I mentioned earlier, this match has the unfortunate circumstances of being considered second class to the Lashley MMA storyline. That’s ridiculous, especially when you have Johnny Impact’s pre-match promo about how he and Low-Ki are two in-ring innovators. This is a legitimate, first time ever, big money match… and it’s not even given the opportunity to be a great Impact match. I have a theory that this match would be amazing anywhere else, and now I’m disappointed that it doesn’t take place at The Crash. This is a solid match though, and I’m not going to EH it for being the only opportunity we’ll have to see it in Impact. (I might EH Johnny Impact’s countdown spot. It’s simply bad babyfacery.)

Also, Low-Ki deciding to murder his leg for our entertainment is actually extreme as hell. You’re the real Pepsi Blue, Low-Ki.

ACE (lol): Impact Should Be Neither Seen Nor Heard

It’s kind of funny Impact still doesn’t know how to pipe in boos properly. I mean, come on. The loud boos when Low-Ki comes out for his match against Johnny Impact, even though the crowd is clearly cheering him and he’s slapping hands and playing up just how into the crowd is to him, the defender of Global Force from another new guy? Sometimes you’ve just gotta laugh at how poorly Impact does certain things. Because, well, the rest of the crap isn’t laughable at all.

Not Sure Yet: Taya Veruca Salt

After you internally debate whether last week’s attack on Rosemary counts as Taya’s official debut or if this match counts as her official debut (because commentary can’t settle on either), meet me in my discussion of the post-match segment.

I can’t say I understand Taya’s acting choice here, but it’s something I’m willing to wait a few weeks to understand. As we’ve seen, everything about Taya is centered on her presenting herself as wrestling royalty of sorts. But the way she interacts with Karen is very much… a teen girl who wants an Oompa Loompa right now. I suppose spoiled rich girl who thinks she’s royalty works — and I guess Laurel Van Ness is never going back to her original gimmick — but if that’s not what’s going on here, then this segment is just a swing and a miss.

EH: Now For The Real Main Event

I know I already bombarded you all with Lashley talk, but I just need to add one more thing: The “meeting” between Lashley and Moose is so devoid of heat, it’s almost impressive. You have two goliaths beating the crap out of each other, and the crowd couldn’t care less. This is when you pipe in the cheers, guys.

It’s sadly understandable though, because like I mentioned, Moose is barely a factor in this story. Sure, Impact made sure to give one of the audience members a “MOOSE THE NEW DESTROYER” sign, but literally no one cares. Hell, they actually supportively cheer Lashley when he says he’s going to become an MMA champion then kind of twiddle their thumbs when he starts complaining about his real friends and all that stuff. And you know the sign is made by Impact, because otherwise, it’s kind of racist for a fan who would have no idea Lashley versus Moose would be part of the story to simply call black guy #2 the replacement for black guy #1, out of the blue. Then again, Florida.

But not wanting to be upstaged in terms of general lameness, Josh Mathews starts talking about “the bowels of the Impact Zone” during this brawl. So I guess he’s finally found a way to say something other than “bedlam” every time chaos breaks out. It’s not an upgrade.

EH: Oh Yeah, Who’s The Champ Again?

Why was this not announced on the show? Also, how much of a headache am I going to have when they manage to screw up the timeline again?

ACE: Pop Goes The Fugitive

Harrison Ford, give me strength.

Now for your end of this devil’s bargain. Don’t forget to share this recap, as it’s textual evidence of… so many things.