The Aces And Ehs Of Impact Wrestling 9/21/17: Where Does The Good Go?

Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling — that’s what this is, it probably won’t change again — coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. I’m running out of cute things to say here, which is exactly the type of thing you should expect out of me as your friend. I’m not full of non-stop gems, you guys.

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Previously: Lashley decided to quit professional wrestling because he — a person who regularly talks about not wanting any friends in professional wrestling — has no friends in professional wrestling. Also, that’s the most important storyline in this show. Except for this week and almost everything falls flat.

A Soft, Canadian EH: What’s Bobby Roode Doing In The Global Force?

Actually, the exact wording Impact uses (and used back in July) is: “What Is Bobby Roode Doing In GFW Amped?”

I keep having to say that I can barely keep these recaps somewhat relevant for even a couple weeks, because when it comes to Impact Wrestling, like Toad The Wet Sprocket foretold, something’s always wrong. So what is the latest Impact whoopsie I have to address coming into this show? Why it’s the latest GFW Amped Anthology PPV, specifically this moment:

According to the commentator who worked this show, he meant “the jump to WWE;” and in his defense, his introduction of TJ Perkins at another point in the show acknowledges that he’s in WWE but worked in GFW before. So instead of this being another example of “LOLTNA” on the carny front, it’s more an example of “LOLTNA” on the lack of concise commentary front. Congratulations on changing it up, you guys.

EH: This Is Fine

This is probably no big deal but: Since all that “we’re not GFW” anymore stuff, there’s been no mention of the Global Wrestling Network. I’m sure everything’s great.

ACE: The Saddest ACE

As we all know, basic classiness is literally all it takes for Impact to get an easy ACE.

ACE: Have A Nice Trip, See You Next Fall

Thanks to this episode’s opening previouslies, I finally noticed something I originally missed with last week’s Chris Adonis/Eli Drake attack on Johnny Impact. Something amazing, which is Adonis slipping backwards after hitting Johnny from behind. But thanks to the video package playing that particular spot three times in a row, I couldn’t not notice it. It happens so immediately after he hits Johnny that it wouldn’t help to edit it out, so please know this is not one of those pleas for to better post-production. It just feels so good to laugh.

EH: ¿Qué Hora Es?

To the shock of perhaps no one who either reads these recaps or actually pays attention to what’s happening on these shows, Impact starts off pretty early with its space-time continuum nonsense. Also, as expected, it all (to start) centers around Eli Drake and his Mexico excursion.

First of all, I mentioned last week how the only reason I knew he’d be going to Mexico was the YouTube channel, so for those who watch and didn’t know that, they’re probably thinking the same thing. “Oh, Eli Drake is totally going to show up on this show.” But here’s the thing…

Jeremy Borash is the first one to call attention to the questions of when and where when he says, “Eli Drake’s not here. Eli Drake is in Mexico, defending the GFW Global Championship.” What follows in this segment — and then in the rest of the show — is clarification on some things that naturally make less sense when you think about them. We learn that Eli Drake already defended the title (meaning, thankfully, they’re not pretending there’s a telecast or something) “a few days ago” and really doesn’t need to still be in Mexico. We also learn that, for some reason, Eli Drake’s car is in the parking lot, bro. Yet, with those pieces in place, Eli Drake doesn’t show up doesn’t show up to attack Johnny. Neither does Chris Adonis, who would supposedly be the decoy who brought Eli Drake’s car in the first place.

EH: Ship Back To OVW

The biggest thought in my head during this match was, “Damn you, OVW.” I even had to check to see if these two were in OVW at the same time, as that was the only thing I could think to make this competition make any sense. (They weren’t.) The countdown into the superkick should’ve been the whole match, but alas, it was not.

The second biggest thought was, “Why?” In fact, that one was my thought for the two Johnny Impact matches on this show, which is basically … Yeah, we probably should’ve expected this. Why? Well, I’m quite behind on Edge and Christian’s podcast, but I finally listened to the episode from June with Johnny Impact/Mundo/etc. It had some things I had already known or remembered from reading notes on the episode, but two things really stuck out to me when listening after watching this episode:

1. Johnny’s tangent about using wrestling terminology in real life, including this particular one: “Looks like a TNA house show, uh oh.”
2. Oh, and Johnny sold his house to fund his feature film passion project. A project that still hasn’t quite broken even. Hey, he’s wearing the shirt for it on this show!

Basically, I miss the good old days when it was easy to assume which people were just in Impact for a quick paycheck, as opposed to knowing they are because they pretty much said it on a podcast months ago.

EH: Johnny Moron

Are we supposed to think Johnny Impact’s cool for constantly putting up his #1 contendership? Are we supposed to think Johnny Impact’s cool for constantly putting up his No. 1 contendership against unworthy opponents? Are we supposed to think Johnny Impact’s cool for constantly putting up his No. 1 contendership against aggressively mediocre opponents?

Presumably, the audience is supposed to find Johnny impressive, at the very least, for putting his title shot on the line twice and against two larger opponents. The problem is, beating KM isn’t impressive, it’s just … Well, as Eli Drake would say, it’s just a fact of life. And on the Texano front, he’s a guy the Impact Zone crowd (and you would assume, a good portion of the audience) knows nothing about. Impact apparently gave up on actually introducing all these ~super cool~ AAA people, which is how you get people like Pagano and Texano jumping the wrestlers the audience actually knows and Eli Drake against some scrub luchador with no other explanation other than the fact that he’s technically making it a world championship.

Also on the Texano front, I’d rather just have a second KM match than the one Texano match we get. There are many things I like about Lucha Underground, but Texano has never been one of them. In his defense, he’s not something I dislike about Lucha Underground; but that’s because I pretty much find him to be one of the most forgettable parts of Lucha Underground.

EH: Fucking Cameras, How Do They Work?

This is just like when they wanted to make Jim Cornette a surprise, even though Impact’s entire backstage camera style is like a wannabe guerrilla documentary team. The camera people in the company always snooping on everyone, yet they forget how to zoom out or point the camera at people’s heads when Impact wants to make someone (even better when that someone is basically a no one) a surprise.

ACE: Blow It Out Your Ass It’s Taya Valkyrie

Taya’s posing for the camera throughout this match is very high school production level, and I mean that in the best way possible. If she really is going for a Veruca Salt meets lucha royalty by way of Canada thing, then I am 100% here for it. I’ve also gone back and forth about this, but I’ve decided I like that Taya doesn’t understand the basic wrestling reason as to why she’s not get a Knockouts Championship opportunity: In being so determined to “make a statement” (aka show that she’s a heel), she did the stupid thing of attacking Rosemary in her debut. And just Rosemary.

In going after the fresh meat, she didn’t think about going after the actual champion, so now she’s got to wait in this weird division where there are no #1 contenders and everyone’s at “the back of the line.” If she’d attacked Sienna and then attacked Rosemary (to still proclaim she’s heel), she wouldn’t be stuck trying to beat some emotion into Ava Storie.

Ah yes, that would have to be the EH of this squash. Ava Storie’s lack of facial expressions has bothered me for a while, but I’m kind of offended by how she very visibly braces for impact (l o l) as she’s about to take Taya’s finisher. I have no problem with green talent like her being used for enhancement talent, but I’m really surprised that after all these months, that major flaw in her presentation is still there.

ACE: Let Me Tell You Something, “Mean” Gene

Let’s be honest: Since I’ve started these recaps, at least half of the Knockouts segments have been brawls leading to tag matches. And they always have Sienna, Allie, and Rosemary. It is what it is, to the point it’s made me become the type of person who says “it is what it is.” Josh Mathews going on about “battle lines” being drawn is absolutely terrible, and I’m just happy JB didn’t tell us fantasy warfare just got real.

But what’s great is the post-brawl backstage promo from the babyface crew, which is so ‘80s wrestling babyface (especially from Gail Kim) that I can’t believe all of those other Knockouts brawls didn’t lead to the same fate. Allie is just so fired up after watching Taryn Terrell and company constantly go after her friends (and herself, but Allie’s the type of person to put friends first). Gail wants to put those women out on stretchers. And she completely supports Rosemary’s idea to bring gore into all of this, which is the sign of true friendship. (Speaking of, Rosemary and Allie are both wearing matching bunny shirts, because sometimes things are good.)

I’m not sure why the person who asked them to cut this promo has Percy Pringle’s voice, but you know what? It adds to it all. More of this, please.

I also love that all three heel Knockouts are three very distinct types of fashion victims, who each think they’re very classy. And they are not. On top of that, Rosemary calling Sienna “the she skunk” serves as the perfect reminder Sienna is really just a wrestler version of Missi Pyle from the one true movie, Josie and The Pussycats.

EH: Karen Jarrett

So apparent Karen Jarrett and Jim Cornette share an office. Only she doesn’t get the desk. Probably because her role as an authority figure involves literally using the childish response of “you started it” when handling these women. She also says “how the tables have turned,” to no one laughing right in her face. You know what, if she busts out a “surprise, bitch” or an “oh hi, I didn’t see you there,” I’ll accept that she’s actually a genius character.

EH: Peter Facinelli, Bill Bellamy, & Tiffani Thiessen Don’t Deserve This

Sigh. Based on the story as presented to us, oVe at LAX’s club was supposed to be the same night as their tag championship loss. They went right there after Konnan threatened to disappear them. But because no one at Impact Wrestling cares, you have Dave Crist talking about the match from last week. Fine then. Let’s just say oVe decided that night that they were going to crash LAX’s club, then they decided to wait a whole week in Tijuana to do that. That makes sense. Just like them very clearly passing by Homicide and somehow not noticing him, only for Homicide to immediately walk out of the non-shadows behind them to call Konnan like the henchman he is.

Konnan’s plan is to… treat them well. And oVe’s — well, Dave Crist’s — plan is to … enjoy the club and act appropriately within the setting. I would not be surprised if they tipped very generously before leaving too, because neither team actually did anything to each other than be good friends until they remembered they’re enemies. I realize that Impact really wanted to have the 14 year old boy mastaburtory material of oVe at LAX’s club, but they could’ve cut out all the jiggling boob and butt (the TNA, if you will) shots to at least avoid showing just how oVe and LAX didn’t actually do anything, on either end.

Then there are more bleeps, even f-bomb bleeps, because TV-PG can be edgy, Pepsi Blue and Mountain Dew: Code Red, etc …

Seriously, the entire thing is like a bad version of McG’s Fastlane. Actually, I’ve thought about it a lot lately and pretty much all of these LAX pre-tapes are like watching that one season canceled Fox series. And no one should ever insult Sugar Ray co-founder McG like that. (You probably think I’m being ironic, but … I’m not. I’ve written about this extensively.)

If you actually remember Fastlane, you probably remember Fox promoting the hell out of the episode where Tiffani Thiessen and Jamie Pressly kiss, because it was 2003 and everyone was garbage even then. Even “better,” that episode — because it was an episode all about lesbian criminals — was titled “Strap On.” Now, believe me when I tell you: That episode was more eloquently and intelligently executed (while still being “edgy”) than literally anything Impact is doing with LAX right now.

Again, I’m bringing this up at all because these segments are so much like a low-budget version of Fastlane that I feel I need to acknowledge there is a way to do this well. But instead, it’s doing a bad version of something that was already very 2002-2003.

And at no point during this, did we learn how Dave and Jake Crist are “polar opposites.” I guess maybe Dave is the brains and Jake is not?

EH: Ooh Wee, What Up With That?

Whatever that “African” character is, please stop. He is not Eddie Murphy in the ‘80s and this is not Coming To America.

This is also not as illuminating as I think Impact thinks it is. We were never really given a heads up on why Global Forged was, and from the footage we’ve seen, these guys have already gone through quite a bit of training. But at the same time, when it comes to these guys speaking, a lot of them still have a long way to go, if they’re even going to go anywhere.

This week’s segment showed at least tiny amounts of promising talents (the one who has an impressive amateur background is totally going to “win,” right?), because I still just know what this is or what it’s supposed to be. And if I don’t even really get that, I can only imagine what the audience thinks about this. Other than it’s a bathroom break during the show. Or possibly an ad.

EH: Can’t Fact Check If There’s No Global Network

How many onscreen authority figures does it take to explain why Petey Williams has an X-Division title match at Victory Road? I mean, come on, guys … To those of us who actually listen to the words the people on the screen say, you can’t keep having Jim Cornette talk about how people have to earn title shots only to have someone just get a random title shot on a faux pay-per-view. Though, in Cornette’s defense, his latest tenure here hasn’t featured him pretending to care about the X-Division at all. He cares about the Global Championship and even a little bit about the Grand Championship, but like the Knockouts Division, he has absolutely no stake in this part of the show at all.

It’s still stupid to have a “Leader of the Knockouts” and not just have one central authority figure in charge of everything, but since it’s what Impact does, can we at least also get a “Leader of the X-Division?” Can we just get someone to do something and do it well?

Also, in the build-up to this barely built title match, we have Petey damn Williams going on about respect and honor in the X-Division. The same Petey Williams from Team Canada. The same Petey Williams who still stands on his tree of woe’d opponents’ crotch while singing “Oh Canada.” The same Petey Williams who won his second X-Division Championship like this:

All of this would be great if we were to take this as the word of a delusional heel veteran, but even the video package that goes along with this very much tells the story of a Very Good Guy who used to hang out with Eric Young and Bobby Roode and was never disrespectful, unlike that whippersnapper Trevor Lee. And if they’re doing this as a way to plant the seeds of that, again, the video package itself should’ve hinted at some form of awareness with that. When Impact means to do something, they tend to be very transparent and maybe even tip their hand a little too much.

But Petey actually says, with a straight face: “He might be a great wrestler, but he’s a coward. He doesn’t represent what the X-Division Champion should represent. … I’ve never had to coward my way to the top to win that title. Never.” He even says Trevor “brings shame” to the title. You see, it would absolutely be one thing if Petey Williams went on about how he was just like Trevor Lee and learned from his mistakes, but there’s something just insulting about completely changing the narrative in this way.

ACE: That Six-Sided Ring Of Honor

Since Victory Road is coming up, how about you watch the absolutely non-cowardly way Petey Williams defends his X-Division Championship against AJ Styles back at Victory Road 2004.

ACE: AIW, Just For Existing

Based on how this whole Global Impact Force works — and keep in mind that no one actually knows how it works — this means Colt Cabana is officially part of the Impact Wrestling roster now.

EH: A Dolla Dolla Bill For The STFU Jar

I was perfectly content to say nothing about Grado and just praise the sight of AIW on television. Then I remembered how Grado kept saying “dolla dolla bill, y’all” over and over again. So yeah, like I said: Grado’s “humor” comes completely from his accent. Good to get official confirmation.

ACE: The Actual Funny Guy Not Being Funny

We’ve got intensely focused EC3 recently enough in his heel work against James Storm and Moose, but to see that intensity focused on heels now is even better. No posing for the crowd and EC3’ing his way down the ring. He wants to beat up the guys who jumped him, to the point where good guy Eddie Edwards has to get him to calm down. But he’s a hothead, so it’s that hotness that he later pays for. Well, that and the damn numbers game.

Even better is the post-match save from James Storm, particularly because — on a show where no one remembers anything — it remembers everything. Storm makes the most leisurely walk (with a beer) down the ramp to make the save, because if you remember carefully: EC3 tried to destroy him and his legacy at Slammiversary. EC3 is the reason why Storm was on the shelf with a concussion, and while Storm shows after the save that he respects Eddie, he has no reason to rush to save EC3. And EC3 absolutely knows it, with his facial reaction to this basically acknowledging he knows he messed up. He also knows Storm is a much better man than he, because who saves the ass of a man who tried to murder you in the ring? James mothereffin’ Storm, that’s who.

Also, Storm comes in with one beer and leaves with another beer from the crowd. A true badass.

EH: Do Think Twice, It’s Not Alright

According to commentary, Pagano (whose in-ring debut is … not great), Fantasma, and now Texano (whose in-ring debut is… very Texano) are part of an “AAA invasion” of Impact Wrestling. Never mind that, simply by being part of the Global Impact Force, they’re technically part of the roster. After all, two out of these three men got video packages hyping their debuts Also don’t mind that we’ve been given absolutely no reason behind their invasion or why they’re such dicks. I mean, Texano says he doesn’t like Johnny Impact, but that’s not enough.

Impact’s totally going to treat that like it’s enough, aren’t they? Maybe it’ll change once they realize after a month’s worth of taping that they made a group of Mexicans heel in the company for no stated reason. (Yes, Fantasma was frustrated, but if you can tell me what Pagano’s deal is based on the materials set before all of us on this weekly television show, I’ll give you a dollar.)

EH: My Breaking Point

If you want to know what it would take for me to finally fast forward through an Impact segment, here you go. Maybe it’s because the match exists despite Impact essentially dropping that aspect of the Grado/Laurel Van Ness story. (Laurel’s still “lookin’ for a man, though, so who knows.) Maybe it’s because there is no way Kongo vs. Mahabali Shera is even good adjacent.

Wait, no. It’s definitely both of those things. Also, based on fast forwarding, the match was clearly longer than it had any right to be. However, despite all this, I still have more to say about this segment than I do the Moose one.

Oh No

I’m torn between enjoying this (“Tonto! Yeah!”) and realizing that Eli Drake is, um, Mr. Kennedy 2.0. Why do I say that? Because I’m also a person who watched and remembers WWE.com’s “Mr. Kennedy Declares,” and this is very much like that. I need to go and talk to some food about this.

EH: Do You Really Think This Looks Good? Really?

“Eli Drake defends his World Championship against possibly the fastest wrestler in all of AAA in Mexico and one of their brightest up and comers, Bronse [sic].”

Based on this performance, if Máscara de Bronce is considered the fastest wrestler in AAA, I guess Impact also doesn’t know how a stopwatch works (in addition to calendars). This match is worked well, as it has the bigger Eli Drake basically halt all of Bronce’s offense by simply catching the guy. But Bronce’s clearly an up and comer — commentary never would have had to say it, given the performance — because he never once learns from his mistakes of jumping at (and into the arms of) Eli Drake.

Impact’s intent on making Eli Drake a cowardly heel — when it suits them — but it would’ve made a lot more sense if they’d played it as him selecting Bronce as his opponent for that very reason. Instead, what we see is Eli Drake defending his title, easily, against someone who shouldn’t even be anywhere near a world title match.

oVe ended up looking cool for a week from just clips at The Crash, yet Eli looks like the holder of a useless championship in a full match at AAA. He finally get to main event the show, but it’s in a throwaway match at a different promotion, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find out plenty of people turned off the show once it started. Or at least the first time they heard that vuvuzela be blown. Josh Mathews tries to call this match similar to Ivan Drago vs. Rocky, even though it’s basically Ivan Drago vs. Milo Ventimiglia.

And that’s how this week’s show ends. The next show is Victory Road. I’m sure things will be better, right?

Now it’s your turn. Please don’t forget to share this recap, because otherwise I won’t be able to keep these up. And if I can’t keep these up, I can’t keep make upsetting revelations about Impact Wrestling and its talent.