Hey, guys! As you may have noticed, we skipped last week. Sometimes writing with a concussion is very stressful, so we’re just gonna get caught up as we go along.
This Week on Impact Wrestling: Kurt Angle gets his 4,347th title shot, a bunch of hardcore dudes go to hardcore war, and it takes a miracle to get Mike Bennett to stop saying ‘miracle.’
Worst: No EC3, No Peace
I’m not sure if this is an intentional thing or not, but everything happening here has a crazy “Powerball winner sells ’97 Honda Civic, buys own throne” kinda vibe to it. On the one hand, I want to think yes, this is the opposite of EC3’s American blue-blood legacy whose impeccable tailoring came over on the Mayflower. Like, if EC3 was not-so-conservatively crushin’ puss at Young Republicans soirees, Matt Hardy was definitely the pizza-faced kid who worked at Blockbuster while wearing bondage pants and trying to sell you on how subversive and cool Brodie from Mallrats is. We know Matt Hardy’s history with bondage pants, let’s not act like there’s no truth to that. There’s a really interesting social dynamic that I wish we were still really digging into: the Hardys’ humble beginnings and informal training that would eventually lead to real life legend status vs. the bought and paid for entitlement of the guy rich kid with the established family name trying to achieve greatness. EC3 could make the crowd chant ‘NEW…MONEY!’ at Matt and Reby, then pointedly raise an eyebrow over a 18-year-old Macallan instead of chugging a beer. They’ve touched on this theme and it’s almost there, but instead we have to build to a shambolic gimmick match and another Kurt Angle world title shot.
Oh yeah, that’s real. That’s damn real. See, last week Eric Young piledrove (Piledrived? Piledrivened?) Jeff Hardy through a table before he could have a title match against his brother, and now EY wants his shot at the gold. This brings out Kurt Angle to say that Matt Hardy has disrespected the title, and he talked to a TNA official and now he has a title shot. I know we’re supposed to be gargling Kurt’s Angles now that we’re saying auf wiedersehen goodnight to his career and all, but damn, let’s have some pretense of control over this main event picture. You set Jeff Hardy up to ‘start at the bottom’ and then he’s getting title shots. You have Eric Young come out and go apoplectic around the edges of a salient point, and then instead of working through that, you bring out recently canonized Kurt Angle to stick his dick in the batter. And that’s not even the end of it!
We then get Beer Money, followed by the new stable Decay (more on them later), who are then attacked by the Wolves. That’s TWELVE PEOPLE in one opening segment. Now, it all turns into a chaotic punch-’em-up like the end of the go-home Raw before the Royal Rumble to lead into that multi-man, but it’s….it’s too much guys.