Previously on the Best and Worst of Vintage Full Sail NXT: We met Ricky Steamboat’s kid, learned a little too much about Leo Kruger’s mom, and saw the debut of future WrestleMania torch-bearer Seth Rollins. Cesaro and the Usos were here, and WWE is still trying to push Jinder Mahal as a threat. See also: 2017.
If you’d like to continue following along from the beginning of the beginning, you can read about episode one here, episode two here and watch episode three on WWE Network here.
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And now, the vintage Best and Worst of WWE NXT for July 4, 2012.
Best: The Baddest Bitch Getting Built
Up first this week is the NXT debut of Sofia Cortez, better known to current fans with good taste as Ivelisse from Lucha Underground. You may also know her from the fifth season of Tough Enough, from her two reigns as Shine Wrestling Champion or from one of the most backwards-ass TNA Gut Check segments of all time. This is from the part of her developmental run where WWE was like, “you’re from Puerto Rico, right? Your entrance theme is LATIN STOCK BEAT No. 2. Also you should dye your hair blonde to look less Puerto Rican.”
You may also recognize her opponent, who gets an “already in the ring” jobber introduction:
A couple of years later, these two would’ve torn it up. As it stands, it’s a solid jobber squash made slightly less enjoyable by the commentary of Chris Russo, who I seriously thought was Byron Saxton until Jim Ross ended the show with, “for Chris Russo.” They sound exactly alike. Russo is doing his best 2012 office-pleasing commentary during the match, getting weirdly horny for any mention of the word “Divas” and saying Cortez is the “spicy CHIPOTLE SAUCE of NXT.” Imagine if Matt Striker had done the Get Out brain surgery on himself and Byron. That’s Chris Russo.
Cortez wins with a wheelbarrow into a DDT, and is clearly the face of the NXT women’s division going forward. Well, going forward until August, when she is one of the first to report trainer Bill DeMott’s abuse and gets released for it.
Some say Paige goes on to start the Divas Revolution.
Worst: Cis-Jinder Heterosexual Men Are Ruining NXT
Last week several years ago, NXT Red protagonist Derrick Bateman bridged the gap between developmental generations by defeating Johnny Curtis in the main event. This week, WWE capitalizes on that momentum and his importance as a character by having him, uh, lose to Jinder Mahal. Jinder wins with the camel clutch after twice countering the DBD.
As I mentioned before, Jinder’s here as a main-roster(ish) presence to validate everyone else, as though the new guys couldn’t be taken seriously unless we saw how they measured up to the worst guys from Raw and Smackdown. In fact, aside from Richie Steamboat taking on Leo Kruger, every first round match in the upcoming NXT Championship tournament is an NXT guy vs. a main roster guy.
Five years later, this generation of NXT and the generation after it are main-eventing WrestleMania, Raw, and Smackdown, while Jinder Mahal is still pretending to be a threat and losing to Mojo Rawley and his Football Pals in pre-show battle royals.
Worst: Stay Down
Episode three also sees the debut of Jake Carter and Corey Graves. You know Graves, the future “Savior of Misbehavior” whose career ended prematurely and catapulted him to universal acclaim as the first WWE color guy in ages to actually sound like he’s into the show and knows what he’s talking about. Jake Carter is the son of the legendary Big Van Vader, which you’d never be able to tell by looking at him. Like this entire decade of second generation stars, ugly fat cool talented wrestlers married beautiful ladies and had beautiful sons that liked wrestling and wanted to do it, but weren’t ugly or fat or cool enough to pull it off.
2012 WWE is just a vast sea of handsome, doe-eyed, hairless, muscular 6-foot-tall dudes with chiseled jawlines, tiny trunks and like 50 percent the wrestling talent of their parents. Aside from Orton and Cody Rhodes, you could build a professional graveyard out of those guys today.
Their opponents are CJ Parker and Nick Rogers, the future “Mr. Jacked.” If you’ve heard of Nick Rogers, you probably know him as the guy with no belly button. Look for one, tell me if you find it. Dude’s a shoot test-tube baby.
It’s like he did so many crunches it filled itself in. It’s even worse when you try to find it on his publicity photos. If that guy doesn’t have a Ken doll mound where his genitals are supposed to be, I’d be shocked.
Graves and Carter finish off Parker and Kyle XY with a neckbreaker/powerslam combination, and Chris Russo spends the entire match talking about how he likes to go out and party and be cool with them. Sure, buddy. Also, speaking of how cool they are and before I forget, how funny are Graves and Carter’s tron graphics? The best part is that the neon signage that advertises TATTOOS and BODY PIERCING also advertises NOVELTIES, which means their own TitanTron is calling them dildos.
Best/Worst: Mike Dalton > Kassius Ohno
Up next is the NXT debut of Kassius Ohno, the former and future Chris Hero, before he looked like an improperly squeezed tube of toothpaste. He’s debuting against Mike Dalton, the future Tyler Breeze, who I still put right beside Tyson Kidd as the most underappreciated, underutilized and underpushed performer in the history of NXT. Even here, everything he does is on point.
Ohno loses points with me for two reasons:
- His last name is “Ohno,” just so he can say that when people see him they say OH NO. He should’ve made his name Johnny DontHitMe, and been like, “when people see me coming, they say, DON’T HIT ME.”
- He’s a “knockout artist.” He has both a pre and post-match promo about how he loves to knock people out. Jim Ross calls him a knockout artist, puts that over and spends the entire match talking about how much he loves to win matches not by pinfall or submission, but by knocking people out. Then, in the match, Ohno hits a discus elbow and pins Dalton. So … none of that?
Like, imagine if they put over how much The Berserker likes winning by count-out, then had him throw a guy out of the ring, wait for a count of nine, roll him back in and pin him.
Best: Seth Rollins HATES THE GROUND
That entrance will always make me laugh. I wish they’d put it in WWE 2K17 so I could give it to Greg Valentine, and make the Hammer gallop out swinging his arm around like he’s Popeye winding up and throwing punches at the floor.
Rollins gets the week’s big story, starting off with a long match against Camacho. If you don’t remember Camacho, he’s the “muscle” for Hunico, the guy who eventually becomes the slightly better version of Sin Cara. I originally typed “better version,” but it’s not like Sin Cara got great, and Hornswoggle in a taco costume biting people on the butt would’ve been better than the original Sin Cara. He’s also the SON OF MENG, which puts him in that Jake Carter category of, “wait, your dad is WHO? Why don’t you seem tougher?”
The match ends with Hunico trying to get involved, Rollins using his in-ring architectural know-how to play them against one another and hitting [REDACTED] for the win. After the match, Hunico and Camacho put the boots to him until Bo Dallas makes the save. Because even the best WWE shows are still WWE shows, this sets up a six-man tag for later in the night: Rollins, Dallas and Tyson Kidd vs. Hunico, Camacho, and Michael (McGillicutty) McGillicutto.
The six-man is better than the singles match, partially due to this being that weird time period where Kidd and McGillicutty were on fire. The finish is a big dive sequence, with Rollins bringing the hilariously small Full Sail crowd to their feet with a monster plancha from the top to the floor. Kidd sets up for a follow-up dive, but McGillicutty cuts him off with a chop block. Kidd’s partners try to get back in to make a save, but part of the downside of diving onto a pile of guys is that you’re stuck in a pile of guys, so they’re forced to watch McGillicutty drain him with a swinging neckbreaker and score the pin.
Next Week:
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