The Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 18, 2016

Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Shane McMahon was in charge for the second week in a row, because reasons. Dr. Phil guest starred and defeated Ric Flair in a Woo battle, also because reasons. A tag-team tournament began to crown new number one contenders, the Bullet Club showed up to beat up the Usos, and Bray Wyatt instantly became one of the best babyfaces in the company. Then, uh, he immediately got hurt. So things are weird, but we’re in a good place.

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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for April 18, 2016.

Best: A Smackdown Opening, But A Good One

England Raws are, aside from the goddamn Slammy Awards, my least favorite Raws of the year. The touring schedule and the pre-taped nature of the thing end up making it feel too much like Smackdown, in that it’s a perfectly acceptable wrestling program, but absolutely nothing is happening. This week’s UK Raw actually seemed to work within those limitations, at least from my point of view, and deliver what was more or less an entertaining house show with a little more consequence than usual. Not a ton of it, but a little. I might just be buzzing from the past two weeks of good-to-great Raws.

Anyway, we start with the Ambrose Asylum, which is one of those things that I wouldn’t have loved a few months ago, but hits the right spots now. I think it’s the awkward rectangle of carpeting in the middle of the ring, or the potted plant on a stool, or Ambrose’s seemingly totally sincere protective devotion to said plant. He is all about the etiquette of plant gifting and ownership.

Here’s a thing we’ve typed before: the Shane McMahon story doesn’t make any sense, and makes a little less sense every week. Ignoring the entire Undertaker story (since we’ve covered that at length, from complain-y paragraphs to three-act plays), Vince put Shane in charge on a whim the night after WrestleMania and left the arena assuming it would be a disaster. He wanted to see Shane fail. Now it’s been THREE WEEKS. Where’s Vince? Is he still at home, tuning in to see if the show’s going badly? Is he just waiting for an off week to swoop back in and say HAHA DAMMIT, I TOLD YOU HE’D RUNE IT, THAT TAG-TEAM MAIN EVENT WAS FLAT, SHANE RUNED IT. That’s not a typo, that’s how Vince says ruin.

Here’s another thing we’ve typed: The Shane story doesn’t make any sense, but it’s leading to great wrestling cards. During this opening we get the announcement of both Chris Jericho vs. Dean Ambrose and Sami Zayn vs. Kevin Owens for Payback, so hell, have the news delivered via singing telegram, I don’t give a sh*t. I do like Shane calmly explaining that he knows how opening segments work and leaving the ring before everyone started punching each other. That’s a good touch. I hope there’s a way to make this Shane stuff eventually make some kind of sense, because I want to keep a likable GM who seems to know how WWE operates (both business-wise and socially in-universe) and books stuff because he thinks it’d make the show good.

Worst: Dammit, Sami

That’s a total kayfabe worst, so you know.

Sami Zayn as the new Daniel Bryan is a pretty easy correlation to make. He’s the indie workhorse darling with tons of experience and a supernatural connection to the crowd formed over a decade of traveling the world and doing everything from putting on five-star matches to wrestling Kota Ibushi in a kayak floating down a creek. He’s underrated on the mic. He kinda looks and acts like a huge dork, but in the best ways. Zayn had a much better record than Bryan on NXT — shoutout to season 1’s 0-10 leading to early elimination — but after only a short while on WWE TV proper we’ve got Zayn in big matches we hope he wins that he never seems to. That’s the Daniel Bryan, right? He stays an important character and is always sorta there, but he’s booked in a way that his wins always seem surprising, even when they objectively aren’t. That’s fun and the best kind of babyface — see also Bayley — but man is it frustrating as a fan.

Zayn faces Chris Jericho and, surprise surprise, loses to a poke in the eye and a Codebreaker. The finish is pretty iffy. Zayn goes for a Helluva Kick and instead of getting out of the way, Jericho just kinda crouches a little and leans into the ropes. Zayn has to do a little hop and not just kick him in the side of the head anyway, which he totally could’ve/should’ve. A little half-hearted kicking later and Zayn gets a finger in the eye, and Jericho’s one-legged Codebreaker finishes him. I don’t want to start doing the “get your other leg up on the dropkick” gag with Jericho, but I’ve always thought the two-knee Codebreaker looked a hell of a lot better than the single. The single’s pretty much just Tye Dillinger’s thing.

WIN NEXT TIME SAMI, OKAY.

Best: Oh Man, The Bullet Club Is Turning On AJ Styles So Hard, Aren’t They

So, one of the most interesting stories from Monday’s Raw (Note: the only interesting story) is the followup to the Bullet Club debut. If you missed last week’s episode, Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson showed up out of the crowd and took the Usos to the damn woodshed. At the time it felt like it would have something to do with the number-one contender tag-team tournament going on, but this week we get confirmation that it’s going somewhere much, much better.

Roman Reigns cuts a promo and gets hit with a constant wall of boos, which makes the fact that he’s actually developing into the character he always should’ve been even better. Roman’s “f*ck y’all, I’m the dude” speeches really resonate for me because it’s the real story, you know? He’s the chosen one and he’s got all the tools, and (thinking about it objectively, and removing yourself from the story as a fan) why should he care what people think? The support of the fans is cool and important, but if he’s winning championships and main-eventing multiple WrestleManias, why does he care whether we think he’s “ready?”

AJ Styles interrupts, and they do a great job of establishing the dynamic between the two and saying, “Styles is smaller and doesn’t have a ton of WWE experience but he’s dope in the ring, and he’s gotta wrestle the match of his life if he wants to beat Overpowered-Ass Roman Reigns, but he’s capable of it.” Roman puts him over in a way I don’t think Roman’s ever done as well before, and the confrontation ends with a little shoehorning in of the word “phenomenal.” “Phenomenal” is WWE AJ Styles’ version of “I’m not a man, I’m a machine.” He’s gotta say it at least three times per promo.

That’s when the good sh*t goes down: as AJ’s leaving, Anderson and Gallows show up and wreck Reigns. What I love about this (besides the fact that the Bullet Club is bodying Roman Reigns on WWE TV) is that in two weeks, they’ve managed to set up a WWE World Heavyweight Championship match involving multiple bisecting parties whose motivations are established, but sorta seem like they’re gonna change. Does that make sense? Like, the obvious story is that Anderson and Gallows are friends with Styles, so they want him to win. They beat up the Usos — Roman Reigns literal and figurative family — and now they’re targeting Roman. Styles seems like he’s got no idea why they’re doing it, and that could work in two ways: They could pull the trigger (cough) on Styles being in on it all along, stealing the WWE Championship from Roman and giving the dude an actual heel faction to work again that isn’t The Authority or the DOA League of Nations, or they can reveal that Styles is telling the truth, and the Club’s working for someone else. Maybe Roman’s secretly building a new version of The Shield — imagine Reigns, Gallows and Anderson in six-man tags against Rollins, Ambrose and Styles — or, like you’re probably thinking, they’re playing double agents for Finn motherf*cking Bálor. Gotta sell those Bálor Club T-shirts, right? They exist for a reason.

No matter what happens, we’ve got a WWE Championship story that isn’t “the people who run the show want to decide who the champion is,” and that feels like a vacation.

Best: Nakamore

Enzo Amore is dressed like Shinsuke Nakamura (aka “dressed like Michael Jackson from the ‘Beat It’ video”) and cutting promos comparing himself to A-cups. He’s real, whether you like it or not.

When did Enzo Amore become my favorite wrestler? Maybe I’m just happy to see fresh faces, but it feels like he and Cass work so much better on the WWE main roster than they ever did on NXT. That’s saying something, because they were beloved on NXT, they just never felt like the most important people in their circle. On Raw, they sparkle.

Best: The NXT Tag Team Tournament

Speaking of freshness, holy sh*t, welcome to a WWE Raw where the Dudley Boyz and the Usos lose clean to Enzo Amore and Big Cass and The Vaudevillains respectively. The number-one contender tag-team tournament finals are an NXT team vs. an NXT team, and I hope that baller match Enzo and Cass had with The Revival at Roadblock is to blame. That’s a killer use of your undercard. Set sh*t up and make these guys look important in the ring, instead of just reacting to them as they float in the breeze.

First of all, we’ve got Enzo and Cass going over the Dudleys. There’s “dud” in Dudley, how you doin’. It’s not a unique observation, but we should all really appreciate the Dudleys for being around and using what’s left of their star power to help build up the future of the tag division. They’ve put over pretty much everyone since they came back, whether it’s New Day, the Wyatt Family, The Usos or Enzo and Cass.

Second of all, you’ve got The Vaudevillains in their Raw debut defeating Los Usos. While the match isn’t the most exciting in the world — the show started dragging pretty heavy in the middle, even though the wrestling was good — it told a great story. The Usos are banged up from that attack from Anderson and Gallows, so they aren’t their best. The Vaudevillains are able to capitalize on that and beat them clean. WWE doesn’t tell that story enough. They assume that everyone goes back to 100 percent after the match like video-game characters, and that’s not how it should work. The Usos trying to fight through their own sell of that attack makes the Usos look like passionate babyfaces, makes the Bullet Club look like killers, and gives the Villains a way to beat an established, tournament-favorite team in a completely reasonable and logical way without looking like they got lucky.

Now we get Enzo and Cass vs. The Vaudevillains at Payback, and that’s gonna be great. If the Dudleys interfere and cost Enzo and Cass the match, we get New Day interacting with a pair of old-timey strongmen. If Enzo and Cass win, f*ck, we get Enzo and Cass doing promos against New Day. It’s a Best no matter what.

Worst: Dolph Ziggler Forgets His Own Origin Story, Or
Best: Dolph Ziggler Gets Steve Cutler’d

Gonna give Dolph Ziggler a huge wanking gesture Worst for McMahonsplaining how Baron Corbin needs to make a name for himself in the ring, earn everybody’s respect, and prove himself to everyone in the back. I hate it when Ziggler pretends he’s not a wrestling character and lets Nick Nemeth become the dominant personality. I don’t mind a line being blurred between character and performer, but “performer” should never openly negate character. Yo Dolph, remember those several years where your character was built around you hooking up with the GM to get opportunities and fighting people outside of the ring? Even babyface Dolph is always jumping people.

It’s way too easy for me to justify Baron Corbin as the hero here, because he’s a violent, condescending jerk, but at least he’s upfront with his emotions. He’ll tell you exactly how he feels and remains consistent. He hates little guys, he hates indie guys, he likes motorcycles, he might be a werewolf, he might’ve dated Rhyno. Total transparency. Ziggler on the other hand spent most of his career being the most entitled, opportunistic rudos this side of Edge, and he’s out here telling the successful new guy what he’s doing wrong. GFY, Dolph. Baron Corbin for life.

Anyway, Corbin throws Fandango into Dolph, beats Fandango easily, then immediately nerfs Dolph. I love it. You’re my dude, Baron Undertaker.

Best: Miz And Maryse Get ROYAL BABIES ARE UGLY Heat

I didn’t love all of the Miz TV segment — I’m not sure I’m physically capable of loving the entirety of a Miz TV segment, even if I’m a huge fan of The Miz — but I loved (x 1000) him and Maryse giving a toddler sh*t for not being special enough. That’s an actual thing that happened. They put a picture of the damn Royal Baby on the TitanTron and talked sh*t about it.

I’m in the middle on Cesaro’s contributions to the segment. I like what they’re doing with him, especially having him usurp Miz’s catchphrase and quote Rowdy Roddy Piper, but he never seems as comfortable as he should doing it. I think he’ll be fine, though, because he’s f*cking Cesaro and as long as he isn’t a Jack and the Beanstalk nightmare on the mic, the rest of him will carry him through. It’s sorta like Sting back in the ’90s. Sting was never the best promo guy and he always came across like an overly-excited 11-year-old, but he wasn’t the worst and he was STING, so you didn’t care and were just like YEAH STING.

Best: That Big E Counter

Around this point in the show is when I started drifting away, which I honestly feel badly about. The wrestling’s still good, I just become acutely aware that nothing but the Payback match announcements and Bullet Club attack is gonna happen, and my sense of urgency tunes out.

My favorite part of the match is during the finishing sprint where everyone’s hitting big moves, and Big E pulls Miz up onto his shoulder by his wrists. Maybe E’s done it before, but I don’t remember it. It’s such a cool setup for the Big Ending, and the timing of it was great here because so much of everyone else’s moves started with a scoop. Nothing wrong with the scoop, but finishers become 10x as cool when they can be set up in multiple ways. Remember how great it was to play as Chris Benoit in the video games, where you had the Crossface standing special and the running counter? Remember the entirety of Diamond Dallas Page’s career? The Big Ending is kind of a bullsh*t move, but if you fancy it up sometimes we won’t pay attention.

I also like the pairing of Cesaro and the New Day, because it works in spite of itself. Why would a Swiss James Bond in a breakaway suit want to hang out with a bunch of band nerds? I hope they stay friends, though, if only for Seth Rollins to come back and get upset that someone usurped his Captainship while he was hurt.

Worst: The Flairs Are Concerned About A Scenario That’s Already Happened

Charlotte is defending the WWE Women’s Championship against Natalya at Payback. They already had the match last week, but Ric Flair got involved and prevented the referee from seeing Charlotte tap, so it ended in a disqualification. To counter Slick Rick at Payback, Natalya is bringing in a very special cornerman: WWE Hall of Famer Bret ‘Hitman’ Hart. The Flairs are concerned.

The only thing is, this has happened before. Remember NXT TakeOver? The one without a modifier. Natalya and Charlotte wrestled for the NXT Women’s Championship. Natalya had Bret in her corner, Charlotte had Flair. Remember how that turned out?

I would love it if next week Natalya was all, “THE HART LEGACY IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE FLAIR LEGACY MY DAD, I MEAN MY UNCLE BRET IS GONNA KICK YOUR BUTTS” and then Bret just sorta wanders in, hugs Ric and starts checking his phone.

Worst: Blank Has Beaten The Blank Champion!

If you’ve read more than two of these columns and watched this match, you knew this was coming.

Raw follows the eight-man tag with an eight-woman tag, and nothing really happens. It’s just a way to get everyone on the show and to do WWE’s favorite championship challenger plot point: that person defeating the champion in a non-title situation, so that Michael Cole can excitedly shout about how that person just whatever’d the whatever champion. They love it. They would marry it if they could.

It’s not an angry, passionate Worst or anything, it’s just a very lazy segment from beginning to end. We’ve seen it a hundred times. Plus, it reminds us that even if the women’s division is getting better, it doesn’t observe its own history and alignments. I was gonna use Paige teaming up with Becky Lynch as an example, but I honestly can’t remember how Paige should currently feel about anything. Sh*t, what the hell happened to Paige?

Charlotte vs. Nattie at Payback will be good, but the build so far has been pretty abysmal, so let’s just get to the match and let it happen so we can (hopefully) get back to the Sasha Banks of it all.

Also, This

I wasn’t sure if I should give this a Best or a Worst. I like Apollo Crews and am way too into Heath Slater, but they only get a few minutes in a death slot on a show that’s already sort of in a slow walk to the finish. Crews beats everybody up and Slater loses. It’s less interesting than Baron Corbin vs. Fandango. I dunno.

If the Radical Mongoose is losing 60 days to a wellness violation, can we sub in a new, fourth Outcast? Damien Sandow would instantly make this group better. Y’all are into Fandango again lately, throw him in there. Hell, Alex Riley would do it just to get a free T-shirt.

Best/Worst: The End Of A Good House Show

Finally, we reach the very Smackdown ending of the very Smackdown Raw.

Before I forget, I wanted to mention how much I liked Kevin Owens in the opening segment. Him sort of accurately pointing out that Shane McMahon’s promising change, but is still just a crazy McMahon in power playing favorites and holding down talented superstars like Kevin Owens was great. I love that Owens instantly feels like everyone’s favoring Sami Zayn over him, no matter what the actual situation is. His inferiority complex is glorious.

That leads to the main, which is Kevin Owens vs. Dean Ambrose. Like I’ve said too many times this week, it’s a good enough match that doesn’t really matter in the grand scheme, and is mostly there to set up the post-match. Ambrose wins clean with Dirty Deeds, at least evening up Owens and Zayn at a loss a piece for the episode, and then Jericho shows up to Codebreaker him. A “JBL” chant happens. It’s fine.

The best part is the frog splash from the apron to the floor, both because I love the crap out of Owens’ frog splash and because of his amazing sell of it when he gets up. He hits the move, and before he rolls back into the ring he stops, put his hand on his stomach and yells OWW! It’s such a bad “whoops, I forgot to sell” moment that it works. Just campy enough to feel real, like it didn’t hurt him until he tried to stand up.

See you next week, Domestic Raw.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Mr Grift

Kevin Owens isn’t your pal, guy. He isn’t your buddy, pal. He’s THE guy, fwend.

20SidedDie

The unstoppable jeans versus the immovable gym shorts!

Rodeo

These Puerto Rico commercials are the equivalent of the quarterback giving a book report.

Lester

“Hey Tyler, nice to see you again. Main roster is fun, huh?”
“I’m Fandango.”

pdragon

Titus even finished my suspension days

lovinit056

AJ Styles and John Cena would be most confused tag team of all time.
John: “YOU WANT SOME? COME GET SOME!”
AJ:”John, I told you, they don’t want none.”
John: “None of yall want some, and all of yall want none, and that’s okay with me.”
AJ: “Sigh.”

JerichoThat

Somewhere, Anvil slowly takes a bite out of a hoagie

Spitty

And hard times is when a man has a talk show for 15 years, 15 years, and they give him a watch, kick him in the butt, and tell him a lunatic took your place daddy!