The Best and Worst of WWE Raw for December 28, 2015

Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: The Slammy Awards were handed out, and two important things happened: (1) Bo Dallas dressed up as Santa Claus, and (2) Roman Reigns threw a folding chair over a steel cage into a ring and it landed not only unfolded, but right-side up. Other than that, you didn’t miss anything.

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Please scroll through for the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for Dec. 28, 2015.

Best: The Worst Possible Opening Segment

From the ashes of tater tots rises “Vince McMahon is a victim of police brutality,” one of the most questionable and ironically entertaining Raw openings of 2015.

Recapping this could take up the entire column, so I’ll try to be brief. To explain this tire fire, you have to start with Seth Rollins getting injured. Triple H offered Roman Reigns the spot as The Authority’s golden boy, suggesting that he’d been their #1 choice all along (but was passed over because he acts like Roman Reigns). Reigns turns him down, and opts instead to wrestle against the odds for an entire championship tournament. He manages to do this and win. Triple H showed up to congratulate him, so Reigns speared him. Now, it could’ve very obviously been a situation where H was going to shake his hand and then pedigree him to set up a Daniel Bryan-eseque Money in the Bank title change, but we never got to that part. As we saw it, Triple H, a guy who openly said he liked Reigns and wanted to give him title opportunities, got beaten up trying to congratulate a dude on winning a title opportunity. Sheamus showed up anyway, cashed in anyway, and Roman lost. The next f*cking night, the evil Authority that never gives people title shots gave Roman another title shot, this time in a TLC match at … I forget the PPV name. TLC matches are no disqualification. Roman’s friends hung out in the back and didn’t help him. Sheamus’ friends did the opposite, so Sheamus won. Reigns, driven mad by these constant opportunities and technically fair losses, once again beats up Triple H, a guy who was objectively doing nothing and trying to keep the peace.

Triple H gets injured, but tells his wife not to punish Roman. I guess he wanted to let bygones by bygones and focus on getting to London to see that sweet NXT show, but whatever. Roman is all, “pfft, f*ck you, your entire family is worthless” to Stephanie McMahon, so VINCE McMahon returns from Sovngarde (or wherever) and confronts him. Roman’s punishment? Another title opportunity. Vince kicks him in the balls and tells him that if he doesn’t win, he’s fired. Roman wins, because of course he does, and Vince gets punched in the face.

Then the Slammy Awards happened, and nobody important went to them.

So, this week. Vince shows up claiming “dental surgery” and blaming Roman for what happened to his “brother in law” Triple H — no senility issues or weird family sh*t going on here, we assure you — and once again confronting him. This time, Vince tries to set up Reigns to shove him down so he can claim Roman assaulted him, which is an awesome plan two weeks after everyone saw you kick him in the dick and get punched in the face on live television. There’s actually a great moment hidden in here where Vince becomes maybe the most gruesome and honest heel ever, mentioning how he used to treat minority pro wrestlers (i.e. Roman’s family) like stupid savages with “bones through their noses” and manipulate and grind them up until they were worthless. Now, he gets to brag about how he owns their children. That is DARK AS F*CK, right? Pitch f*cking black. It’s also a little too close to the truth, which makes it really work. If you want Vince McMahon as an evil guy, stop having him orchestrate these wacky situations and have him calmly discuss what he’s actually done in real life, from the perspective of an emotionally crippled, old white pro-wrestling billionaire. That sh*t would turn Sauron into Samwise in a heartbeat.

Instead of Roman punching him in the goddamn face the second he said YOUR FAMILY IS STUPID SAVAGES AND I OWN THEM, Roman stays chillaxed as a mug. He gives Vince a gentle shove to get him out of his face, so Vince flops and cries assault. That brings out Stephanie, who I guess had her vocal cords replaced with a condor’s at some point during the month and lost the ability to speak on camera without producing oral horrors, and she orders the “Brooklyn Police Department” (not a thing, unless you’re in Ohio) to arrest Reigns. I was really hoping Jake Peralta was gonna show up and take Roman down.

In a strange turn of events that I’m pretty sure has never happened on WWE TV, the police guys are like, “we’re not arresting a wrestler for doing wrestling sh*t, we’re here to do security in real life.” Stephanie gets mad about it, which gets Vince mad about it, and he grabs the head security guy by the jacket. That gets him arrested and taken away (by officer Drew Gulak, among others). Roman gets to make happy faces and hold a microphone while Vince gets like, 3/4 of his Miranda rights read and the entire thing turns into a joke. Then he not only gets taken to jail, but gets a mugshot that is immediately shared on TV:

And, of course, he’s out in time to end the show.

There’s so much wrong here. The segment (with replays) gets 22 minutes, and they show it again and again (and again). It’s the continuation of Roman as Stone Cold vs. Vince as Vince, but Roman isn’t Stone Cold. Stone Cold wouldn’t have let Vince get halfway through that speech about bones in noses without putting the fear of God in him. Roman is just fine and relaxed and thinks everything’s funny, and kinda gets whatever he wants whether it makes sense or not. There’s a weird understanding of how police work, Stephanie yelling about OFFICER BRUTALITY on the week when Tamir Rice is dominating the news is wonderfully tone deaf (even if it was meant to show that the McMahons are ludicrously out of touch), the situation’s resolved before the episode’s even over and nobody’s really done anything … and still, I don’t know. It was so balls to the wall stupid and ridiculous that I couldn’t help but enjoy it. Maybe tater tots finally broke me, and I’ve learned to watch Raw like I’d watch The Room.

More on this later, because yes, it gets even more twisted up in its own ass-hair.

Worst: The Worst Time (And Place) To Do A 30-Second Kevin Owens Loss

Here’s the first of two matches that should’ve been great and saved the show, but, you know, didn’t.

Vince McMahon getting arrested took 22 minutes. Kevin Owens vs. Neville was over in about half of one. That’s … disheartening. Honestly, I think booking a scrappy babyface to get an unexpected flash pin on a guy like Owens and upset him in 30 seconds, setting off this insane mean streak in Owens and costing everyone dearly could be a GREAT booking decision. I just think it was done with the wrong guy, in the wrong place, and at the wrong time.

It’s sorta what happened when they booked Kalisto over Ryback. That should be a “The Kid defeats Razor Ramon” situation we talk about for years, but most of us have already forgotten it. Why? Because Ryback’s not a threat to anybody. He can arbitrarily lose to the Miz or whoever and we don’t blink an eye. There isn’t much of a gap between Kalisto and Miz, even if they’re very different performers. Here, you’ve got Neville beating Owens in 30 seconds, but Neville is the “breakout star of the year,” a former NXT Champion we’ve seen go toe-to-toe with Owens a lot, and there’s not enough of a gap between them to make it seem like a surprise upset. A modern example of this working really well is Sami Zayn’s NXT debut. He showed up and we weren’t sure (in WWE terms, at least) who he was or what level he was on. He gets a surprise win on Cesaro, Cesaro flips out about it and we get a series of increasingly incredible matches to establish who these guys are, how they relate to one another, which one’s higher on the totem pole and how badly the guy on the bottom wants to prove he belongs on top. If you had Enzo Amore show up on Raw and beat Owens in 30 seconds or something, that could really work. Plus, we’d be sympathetic for the new kid getting wrecked in the aftermath.

As it stands, it seems more like a booking decision than a match result. Doing it in front of a Brooklyn crowd was a bad idea in the first place, and doing it after such a long, goofy opening segment was another. So you’ve got the wrong dynamic at the worst possible time, getting “the f*ck was THAT?” reactions from everyone in the crowd. The post-match attack with a replay was longer than the match. The attack after the commercial break was longer than the match. It just felt like nothing, when it should’ve been really cool and special.

Best: Owens The Killer

That said, I am all in on Kevin Owens abandoning the on-purpose count-outs and lazy excuses and just straight-up rage murdering people. That’s what happens after the match (and continues later in the night), and God, I hope it stays this way. At some point you’ve got to sh*t or get off the pot, and keeping Owens as this slovenly-seeming complainer who talks a big game and can back it up but not when it counts is the most tired WWE character type. They reduce so many threatening heels to “complainer,” because they think “seeing someone who complains get beaten up” is what everybody wants. That’s not what people want, that’s what you want, because you’re a thing everybody who watches complains about.

Worst: What’s An NXT

The second match that should’ve saved the show but didn’t was Sasha Banks vs. Becky Lynch, a pairing responsible for one of my 10 favorite matches of 2015, in the building where Sasha had one of the best and most important matches of the year. Why the hell wasn’t this good? What happened?

Just to say it, the match isn’t bad, necessarily, it just doesn’t work. The crowd that’s been chanting “we want Sasha” for months finally gets her in a showcase match, and they’re chanting “boring” like five holds in. Okay, maybe this isn’t that crowd. Maybe the NXT Brooklyn crowd was a high percentage of out-of-towners, and maybe people chant “we want Sasha” because they want whatever WWE seems like it doesn’t. The actual content of the thing isn’t as important. Us vs. Them is more important to some people than Us. That’s an argument for another time, I guess. A crowd not being into a match can kill it. See also: Chris Benoit and Dean Malenko wrestling for half an hour in front of a bunch of bored bikers.

The match falls apart at a few points, and the crowd doesn’t give them an inch. The crowd was pretty uniformly terrible all night, and seemed to chant “boring” or do the wave during any of the “wrestling” parts of the wrestling show. They missed a few moves, Becky bumped too early on the knees in the corner, the cheating from Team B.A.D. seemed extraneous, they hesitated on the finish and ended up in a rest hold … I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t want a world where Sasha Banks wrestles Becky Lynch for a quarter hour and I walk away without good things to say about it.

Again, it could have something to do with it following half an hour of wacky arrest hijinks and a 30-second opener instead of NXT TAKEOVER: UNSTOPPABLE, or it could’ve been a bad night, or everything could be on fire. Let’s just hope this reads to the important people as, “that didn’t work,” and not, “this can’t work.”

Best: The New Day Will Fight Your Children

Raw decided to switch up the constant “New Day loses non-title matches to the Lucha Dragons to set up a title match that New Day wins” cycle by splitting the beef in half, running Kofi Kingston vs. Kalisto and Big E vs. Sin Cara.

Again, Kofi and Kalisto could’ve been something really good, but it felt too short. Like Kalisto? It felt to me like one of those Smackdown openers where they do a half match with a sudden finish and some post-match arguing to set up the “real” match later in the night. Still, I appreciated them taking an even mildly fresh approach to the tag titles feud, so I’m Besting it. Plus, you know, The New Day threatening to fight children. Plus, oh my God, there was a dog in the crowd in a unicorn horn:

https://twitter.com/catherinekelley/status/681658996395085824

This made me want to type a “WWE could really benefit from a Cruiserweight Division” paragraph, but that’s a trap. They could, but they don’t know why people liked that and aren’t interested in doing the stuff that’d make new people like a new version of it, so it’d just be the Divas division with dudes and the occasional body-producer to make a heavyweight look tough. Even WCW fell into that trap sometimes. “WWE should have a Cruiserweight Division” is the “I can have sex with my ex again, it’s fine” of wrestling theory. It seems like a great idea, but nope.

Best/Worst: Injuries Forcing Guys To Sell

It’s been a bad week for Sin Cara. First he eats sh*t on a dive on Smackdown, and now he dislocates his shoulder on Raw. By week, of course, I mean “life.”

I spend too much time thinking about how to salvage Sin Cara, and I think it’s time to own the futility and turn it into something. When The Shockmaster went tumbling through the wall and fell on his face during his debut, they didn’t pretend it didn’t happen and keep saying he was tough, they turned him into a bumbling idiot. They knew they couldn’t make a second first impression. When Eva Marie forgot to kick out on NXT and they realized no amount of Brian Kendrick was gonna turn her into Meiko Satomura, they didn’t keep praising her for her improvement, they turned it into a story where she was getting opportunities she wasn’t ready for because of her celebrity. They booked one of the most surprisingly good NXT Women’s title matches of the year around a lady who can barely wrestle. How long are we gonna be cool with the entire WWE Universe waiting for Sin Cara to f*ck up? Even if he wrestles 10 perfect matches, he’s gonna fall on his ass in the 11th and that’s what we’re gonna talk about. In my brain, this is my only image of Sin Cara:

He jumps, we expect him to fail, he fulfills the prophecy and falls off the ropes sideways. Why not do something with it, you know? I think we’ve all fantasy-booked a “cursed Sin Cara mask” story — is that just me? Do I watch too much Lucha Underground? — so just own this reputation and try to make something of it. Get him out of the mask, at least. Maybe changing up the gear will be like when baseball teams are rejuvenated by new uniforms. New uniforms with gigantic eye holes and boots with traction.

Anyway, Sin Cara gets yanked off the apron and dislocates his shoulder, but the match doesn’t end. To his credit (or possibly his detriment, depending on how badly he’s injured now), the man sucks it up and finishes the match. That makes him 10 times better than the original, who was forced into cryo sleep because he jammed his finger. The match ends up benefitting from it, too, because “actually being injured” elevates WWE’s idea of “selling.” Remember when John Cena got his nose broken for real, and the rest of the match was him staggering around at half speed trying to put his face back together? It was awesome, and one of the only times Cena’s ever been believably injured. Sin Cara losing the use of his arm and still struggling to dive around and jump off the second rope with 290-pound E on his back was GREAT, because it looked real. Because … it was real. I don’t want these guys to actually hurt each other, don’t get me wrong, but they should look at how the matches play out when they’re actually hurt, then attempt to recreate that when they aren’t. Because when you’re wrestling, you’re supposed to actually be hurt. Does that makes sense? Am I crazy? In a world of HD cameras, it might be time to stop selling everything like f*cking Bushwhacker Luke.

Best: Hey It’s A Bunch Of Guys I Like
Worst: Whoops, Big Show, Disregard

Q: How do you make me not love a part of the show involving Goldust and Heath Slater?
A: Well, it’s the Big Show.

I still liked it, don’t get me wrong. There’s a lot of “don’t get me wrong” happening this week, I’m sorry. This was like an entire Best and Worst of Raw in one segment. It’s Miz TV. Worst. But Goldust is here! Best. Now Zack Ryder’s here. Worst. But so’s Heath Slater! Best. Ryback just said the Miz looked stupid, even though he’s the one in the Ryback beanie, Ryback necklace, Ryback dish towel shirt, Ryback arm bands and blaze orange onesie. Worst. Truth is here. He’s telling people to vote for him for Superstar of the Year. Best! Whoops, here’s Big Show, and he’s cutting a promo. Worst. But he knocked out Heath Slater, complete with GLASSES FLYING OFF sell! Best. And R-Truth knocked himself out to keep from being punched by Show. BEST. OH GOD NOW THEY’RE DOING BIG SHOW VS. RYBACK. WORSTTTTT. NOW BIG SHOW IS GETTING COUNTED OUT ON PURPOSE TO SHOW THAT HE’S A THREAT TO WIN A MORE IMPORTANT MATCH. What’s happening, why am I putting my head in the oven.

You know what the world doesn’t need? More Miz/Ryback/Big Show segments. Throw them in the bin with the Wyatt Family vs. Dudley Boyz matches. Let’s buy ourselves new dishes for Christmas so we can throw all the old ones out.

Best: Owens The Killer, Part 2

Earlier in the night, Dean Ambrose showed up with his gentle Modern Dance style of fighting to save Neville from a Kevin Owens attack. Lots of open-mouthed spinning and jazz hands.

Later, Ambrose teams up with his Brother’s Cousins, The Usos — suggested team name: Ambruce — to face The League of Nations. It’s technically a handicap match because King Barrett can’t bump and just stands on the apron providing momentary distractions, but let’s be real, Barrett standing on the apron and not tagging in doesn’t help the team any more than “Wade Barrett wrestling.” The best part of the match is Rusev selling an atomic drop by making a mean face. Sheamus ends up winning with a Brogue Kick, because the best way to guarantee victory in WWE is to enter a handicap match at a disadvantage.

After the match, Kevin Owens returns and absolutely TORCHES Ambrose, putting him through the Spanish announce table with a powerbomb and just generally acting like a maniac. Acting like a lunatic. You get what I’m saying. They try to build sympathy for Ambrose by having him D-Von Dudley shake on the table debris, but all I could think about is all the times The Shield put dudes though tables and how he karmically had it coming. But yeah, no, this was fantastic and confirmation that Kevin Owens shedding the skin of “sardonic Canadian dad” in favor of “KILL OWENS KILL” is an A+ decision. I want him to stay like this for a while. I want a heel threat that actually feels like a heel threat, which it seems like nobody in WWE’s really done outside of NXT and Brock Lesnar in years. What’s the worst Rusev’s gonna do, beat me in a match? Is Bray Wyatt gonna kidnap me and immediately let me go? Let’s enter the magical world of violence and consequences!

John Cena Is Back, And He’s … John Cena

Big Match John is back, and surprise, he’s the worst possible version of John Cena.

I don’t enjoy this kind of Cena, because I’m not supposed to. He’s not for me. I like the workhorse Cena that accepts some realities about his place on the show (and in the wrestling business). I don’t like the one who goes into fired-up slang and Preacher Voice and just kinda stands around calling you a bitch until he gets what he wants.

I’m paraphrasing:

Cena: I want a title match!
ADR: No, perro!
Cena: pardon me I said I want a title match RIGHT HERE TONIGHT
ADR: PERRO, HOW DARE YOU PERRO, I WILL PERRO YOU TO PIECES
Cena: TITLE MATCH I SAID, RIGHT HERE IN HOT BROOKLYN
ADR: but I don’t want to
Cena: [hard stare]
ADR: but you’re just gonna beat me
Cena: [hard stare]
ADR: aw c’mon perro
Cena: maybe you didn’t hear me when I said TITLE MATCH NOW
ADR: [frowns in the direction of his friends]
Cena: yous a lil bitch
ADR: ARGH IT’S ON

That’s how Cena interacts with his dread rivals, his bosses, everybody. He’s just like, “come on,” and they say “no,” and he calls them names and they go into a fit of brain-damaged rage and give him whatever he wants. That’s followed by the John Cena Match, which is different from the U.S. Open Challenge matches and Actual Big Match matches that make us like and justify him as a top performer. These are the greatest-hits matches, where he just grimaces while you do moves to him, does his moves all in a row and either beats you handily, or beats you on a technicality because you were a little bitch. It’s weird that a guy can be Daniel Bryan and Hulk Hogan at the same time, but that’s our John. The worst part is him throwing Del Rio under the bus as a “one hit wonder” for beating him for the U.S. Title. Alberto Del Rio. The guy who won a Money in the Bank match, the biggest Royal Rumble in history, 2 World Heavyweight Championships and 2 WWE Championships. That guy. He won a f*cking BRAGGING RIGHTS TROPHY, John. He’s proven.

I guess Cena winning back the U.S. title like it was nothing wasn’t the right call, so they have him win the MATCH like it was nothing, but via disqualification. The League of Nations hops in (minus Barrett, of course, who is out in the parking lot listening to Manic Street Preachers and wandering into oncoming traffic), and Cena falls victim to the Damn Numbers Game. The Usos show up to help, but that’s like the Planeteers showing up to help you in a fist fight, but then CAPTAIN PLANET HIMSELF (Roman Reigns) shows up and cleans house. Cena disappears completely, and I hope they have him wander in next week saying he missed his flight and was sorry he couldn’t make it to Brooklyn. Del Rio wrestled a specter. That’s why the colors on the shirt were wrong.

(shut up, I’m trying to make this interesting)

Worst: Happy New Year, Pal

The show ends as it began, with Mr. McMahon showing up and telling Roman Reigns that his punishment for getting him arrested is a match next week against Sheamus, a guy he’s proven he can beat pretty handily outside of surprise and no-DQ stipulations. Only now, whoops, VINCE MCMAHON will be the special guest referee. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. Happy New Year, pal. Happy New Year. Happy New Year.

This is one of those cases where you wonder why Vince, the guy in charge of WWE, wouldn’t just fire Roman on the spot, or at least strip the title and give it to whoever he wants. If he can set up these kinds of one-sided matches, what’s the difference? The hook for Austin/McMahon is that Austin was Vince’s cash cow and biggest star, so he was financially obligated to keep him around and put him into marquee situations on the show. He had to prove dominance over him on his own turf. It was never about firing him. It was about wrangling him, breaking him down and making him think like Vince. Eventually (at WrestleMania X-7), it worked. Here, what’s the story? This expendable asshole won’t stop beating up and insulting his family. He gets punished by getting non-stop opportunities, which is why he visibly doesn’t give a sh*t. He’s not the biggest star on the show. He’s not even the biggest star of that KIND of the show. That’s John Cena. Cena’s got that “don’t fire me or you’re f*cked” leverage, because he’s a massive multimedia star and the king of Make-a-Wish and on and on. Rock had that leverage. Austin, as mentioned, had that leverage. Reigns ain’t got sh*t but a smirk and a flak jacket.

Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Week

Beige Lunatics

Some say The Big Show started the 2016 Royal Rumble.

Mr. Royal Rumble, TheCensoredMSol

Renee is just waiting for Charles Grodin to show up, and then they’re off to steal the Fabulous Baseball Diamond.

Guddavontrap

Shoutout to Dean Ambrose for pulling one of those ’80s wrestling sells and making my little cousin cry and believe that he’s dying.

troi

The League of Nations is a who’s who of people emasculated by Cena.

The Real Birdman

“Give me a title match!”
“No.”
“Jay-z lives here!”
“You got it!”

TheGunslinger

Cena: Put up the title,
Del Rio: No.
Cena: Put up the title,
Del Rio: No.
Cena: Put up the title,
Del Rio: No.
Cena: Put up the title,
Del Rio: No.
Cena: Put up the title,
Del Rio: OK.

PhilBallins

“YOU ARE A GUTLESS, SPINELESS, WORTHLESS multiple time world champion and royal rumble winner and our biggest Latin star, and thank you very much for coming back!”

Chair ’em up