Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Extreme Rules happened. Everyone but Kalisto retained their championships, and Dean Ambrose and Chris Jericho had a cage match that would make you want to throw yourself off a bridge. But hey, The Miz won one of the best matches of the year and it looks like the Usos are starting to be jerks on purpose, so we might be getting somewhere.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for May 23, 2016.
Best/Worst: Welcome Back, Endless Promo Man
Let’s get this out of the way first: Seth Rollins isn’t a good man, he isn’t a bad man, he’s the man. Rollins returning way ahead of schedule from a Torn Literally Everything to Pedigree Roman Reigns at Extreme Rules is one of the best stories of the year, because for all his faults, Rollins is one of the best and most reliable performers on the roster. Hey, for better or worse, he won the Shield breakup.
That said, the way WWE handled Rollins’ return is … curious? Is that the right word? I know you want to keep the character consistent and not immediately overshadow Roman Reigns as the Forced Popular Guy or whatever, but Rollins returning from injury months ahead of schedule because of his hard work and determination to retrieve the WWE World Heavyweight Championship he never lost from his entitled, furiously unlikable former brother everyone wants to see get whomped is the biggest alignment change lay-up in recent memory. You just ride the Rollins good will for a little while, see where it takes you, and then if you wanna pull back into whehhh I don’t need any of you, go for it.
Instead, they minimalize AJ Styles’ role in the Extreme Rules main event — the video package about the match is just Roman winning and the post-match attack from Rollins — and have Rollins IMMEDIATELY jump back into full-on heel mode. If you’ll recall, even though he’s objectively very good at what they’re asking him to do, what they ask him to do sucks. It’s 15 minute rambling promos where he nasally restates one-to-three talking points on repeat until someone interrupts and challenges him, at which point he has to become a total coward. Then, when they finally have their blowoff, he’s more often than not STILL a coward, and either wins via third party assistance or just cowers and loses with no consequences. His title reign was one of the most neutered, insulting-to-the-talent-involved angles of that year, and this was your chance to retcon it a little and get a fresh start. Instead? Right back into this hard-ass stale-ass white bread.
And again, very little of this is a condemnation of Rollins as a performer, or even as a character. The character makes sense. Why would he be all nice now? He’s a terrible person, and he’s exactly the kind of dude who’d tell people to stop cheering him now because they didn’t cheer him before. It just seems regressive and a little short-sighted to jump right back into the thing everyone was tired of, and managed to re-imagine with rosey goggles while he was hurt.
Best: The Money In The Bank Scenario
Rollins gets interrupted by Roman Reigns, and they get interrupted by “Stand And Deliver” Shane McMahon. He makes the best and most obvious main-event for Money in the Bank: Rollins vs. Reigns for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. The current champion versus the former champion who never lost the title.
Plus, because my brain always goes there, you can have Dean Ambrose win the Money in the Bank briefcase earlier in the night and have him pull a Rollins WrestleMania 31 cash-in in the main, and boom, you’ve got Ambrose vs. Reigns vs. Rollins set for SummerSlam. Take these lay-ups, guys!
Best: Bo Train Off The Tracks
There isn’t much to say about the New Day squashing the Social Outcasts, but I wanted to say how happy I am that the WWE Fan Nation video included the best moment of the match. A beaten-up Slater rolls out of the ring, so Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel decide to hold him up and start a Bo Train. They start jogging but Slater’s hurt, so he just kinda falls off of them. They turn around in confusion, because they CANNOT FIGURE OUT WHAT WENT WRONG WITH THEIR BO TRAIN, and Xavier Woods dives onto them. Beautiful.
Worst Best: Chekhov’s Birthday Cake
As for the match and the segment, man, it’s not the best. New Day brings out a birthday cake to celebrate Raw’s 1,200th episode, which is … not how birthdays work? Y’all couldn’t have made it an anniversary cake at least? It’s not an anniversary either, but it’s closer to an anniversary than a birthday.
They tease hitting the announce team with cake for some reason, which brings out the (headcanon) valiant Social Outcasts to save the day. When the match is over, New Day triple teams poor Heath Slater and shoves him into the cake, because as they mentioned in their pre-match promo, WWE rings are not a safe place for cakes. I appreciate the acknowledgment of that, and hope “birthday cake awareness” doesn’t become the new “we all know contract signings end with us fighting.”
(And to be serious, I’m glad the Social Outcasts at least earned a caking with that sneak attack, and New Day didn’t just Flo Rida him.)
TRIPLE H COMIN’
Maybe I’m jumping the gun, but Stephanie McMahon distancing herself from the returning Seth Rollins and giving him the Corporate Friend Zone handshake made my Triple H alarms go off. Where the hell’s that guy been? We made jokes about him dying at WrestleMania, but they don’t even mention him, do they? That’s gotta be on purpose. One of these New Generation types is gonna eat sh*t in a month or two, and I’ve got a pretty easy-to-have feeling that it’ll be the dude still using the Pedigree.
Best: Babyface Baron Corbin
I don’t know how any of y’all could side with Dolph Ziggler in this feud with Baron Corbin. Corbin and Ziggler are in a no disqualification match. Corbin hits Ziggler in the junk, which is not exactly noble, but well within the decided-upon rules of the match. That puts Corbin up 2-1 in the series, and that should be it.
On Raw, Corbin’s backstage and Ziggler interrupts him to call him names and explain why even though he lost to Corbin, he’s better at wrestling because he’s a technical wrestler and wouldn’t lose a technical wrestling match. You know, even though he lost one two weeks ago. Ziggler is obsessed with this idea that if he’s good at wrestling, even if he loses, he should be observed as the best. It’s bizarre. It’s like Victor Martinez saying the Tigers should be declared World Series Champions because he’s batting .340.
Corbin’s all, “I didn’t grow up watching WWE so I’m not pretending to be a wrestler, I’m just large and strong and great at beating the sh*t out of people and I realized I should get money for it. I’ve beaten you twice already, but fine, let’s wrestle again.” One is a delusional, irrational complainer, and the other is a giant skullet biker who laces up his pants. Why would you cheer anyone over Baron Corbin?
Also, another goddamn reminder that Dolph Ziggler can only wrestle one person per quarter.
Best: LOL Sheamus
This is the first of four Money in the Bank ladder match qualifiers, and as sad as the state of Sheamus is right now, I’m honestly shocked to see Sami Zayn not only win, but win clean. He just dodges a Brogue Kick, knocks Sheamus out of the ring, gets popped trying to hit a dive and comes back with a Helluva Kick out of nowhere for the pinfall. Sami’s character since day one has been built around failure and the amount of hard work it takes a guy to achieve a true reward in success. And now he’s just murking Sheamus?
I guess that says more for depressing wee baby Sheamus than it does for positive winner Sami Zayn. You’d think a show so drenched in Ninja Turtles advertisement would be into promoting and showcasing the guy who’s in Ninja Turtles, but whatever, I’d rather see Zayn doing important sh*t than Sheamus, even if Zayn beating Sheamus in a straight-up fight looks like Craig Ehlo dunking on Shaq.
After the match, Sheamus finds Apollo Crews backstage and beats him up for being the only person on the show with less direction than Sheamus. Sorry, something about the New Era. I hope the followup is Crews grabbing those nunchucks from the Asylum Match, wrapping an orange bandana around his face and kicking Sheamus’ ass.
Also, another goddamn reminder that Sheamus was WWE World Heavyweight Champion a few months ago.
Best: The Miz Is On Fire
In the Best and Worst of Extreme Rules I mention how crazy it is that The Miz was the winner of the best WWE man roster match of the year, and that he’s occasionally very good at holding his own. Then on Raw, he goes out and has another great match with Cesaro. Are … are we finally getting to the second renaissance of The Miz? Was he just waiting on Maryse this whole time?
Miz is the dude right now. I hope it continues. I want a guy who has had 600 championships and sh*t the bed on at least 599 of them to be the guy who brings prestige back to the Intercontinental Championship. I want him to keep wrestling Cesaro and Kevin Owens and Sami Zayn until he’s a super worker, or at least WWE’s answer to Jun Akiyama.
One problem, though:
Worst: Building To A Match For A Chance At A Championship By Having A Champion Get Pinned
On the plus side, at least Cesaro and Miz are having an Intercontinental Championship match on Smackdown now, and we don’t have to spend several weeks screaming about how Cesaro Has Pinned The Intercontinental Champion, What Does This Mean, John?
Best: Chris Jericho’s Unnecessary Bandages
I love Chris Jericho showing up with a dozen little bandages all over his arms and back from falling into thumbtacks. It’s so melodramatic. Has anyone ever had more than the world’s most minor wound from falling into thumbtacks? ILU old codger out-of-touch narcissist heel Chris Jericho.
Worst: Sorry Apollo
Apollo Crews (gimmick: “wrestler with no stories ever”) get his second “wait, what” moment of the night in a Money in the Bank ladder match qualifier loss to Jericho. It’s not bad, especially given the novelty of seeing Chris Jericho wrestle Uhaa Nation, but it’s weird. Crews got beaten up earlier in the night, but seems totally fine. If I’m a WWE Superstar, the first thing I’m gonna do is find a camera, walk it over to somebody and either punch or insult them. If you aren’t directly involved in a beef, beefs are gonna take up all the scheduling and you’re gonna get stuck in the commercial breaks as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows Party Dude Of The Night.
Best: Zo-Topia
Welcome back, you crazy little charismatic Mogwai motherf*cker.
One of the best moments of the night is the crowd popping for Big Cass, relaxing to begin the pre-match speech, then popping again when they realize he’s pointing at the entrance to ring out Enzo. Enzo getting so excited he loses his microphone off the side of the stage and having to awkwardly hop down while a production guy rushes over trying to help him was amazing, too, especially in that it didn’t delay the segment for a second. Cass just isn’t complete without his sassy little bootleg American Nakamura pal.
The match felt like starting back at square one, but that’s fine. Cass has been beating up the Dudley Boyz by himself for weeks now, so having Enzo show up to help him beat up the Dudley Boyz again isn’t in itself very special. But hey, Zo is back, and Cass is already recklessly launching him into people again, so it looks like everything’s gonna be okay. All the players are here now, let’s start the story again so all Tag Championship segments don’t have to involve cake emasculation.
Worst: The World’s Most Average Match
Dean Ambrose wrestles Dolph Ziggler. It’s fine. At one point Ambrose dives through the ropes to the outside and his momentum just kinda stops mid-way through, like even God’s tired of the match and forgot how momentum works. Ziggler loses, because:
1. Dean Ambrose has to be in and win the Money in the Bank ladder match if the Money in the Bank main event is the two other guys from The Shield, and
2. Dolph Ziggler challenging Baron Corbin to a technical wrestling match, telling him to watch him have a technical wrestling match with Dean Ambrose to see how it’s done, then losing the match to Ambrose is the most Dolph Ziggler thing of all time.
Best: I’m Sorry, I Don’t Love You
Or …
Worst: This Segment In Practice Vs. This Segment On Paper
Sometimes a Raw segment seems like a good idea on paper, and even seems like a great idea when you’ve got it pieced together in a video package, but plays out like a garbage fire in real time.
Charlotte going full self-obsessive champion, declaring herself The Woman, announcing that she’s no longer Ric Flair’s daughter (he’s Charlotte’s dad) and throwing him in the garbage is a GREAT idea. Not only does it put the focus on Charlotte where it belongs and makes her look like the worst, least deserving-of-the-championship person in the world — very much like her dad, if you grew up watching him — and not only does it give Ric a little sympathy to pull him back from the cartoonish hellscape of Interfering Old Raccoon, it allows Charlotte to move forward with the same cheating heel dynamic, only with a woman helping her do the heeling. That’s important to avoid all those, “WWE says they’re taking women’s wrestling seriously but a man keeps interfering and causing all the match finishes” talking points. Also bizarrely great: Dana Brooke being christened the new Arn Anderson by Ric Flair.
In real life, though, the segment was pretty unbearable. Flair’s promo was great, but the crowd decided to hit Charlotte with “what” as hard as possible. That’s a nightmare anyway, but Charlotte has never been great at recovering from live TV obstacles and spent most of the promo staring. I don’t know if she was mad or trying to remember her lines or what, but an emotional, character-defining moment turned into a bullsh*t What party. It’s the worst. Crowds that chant What in unison like that should get their arenas flushed with Joker venom.
I’m wondering how much better this could’ve gone as a backstage segment. I hate that you can’t trust live crowds to pay attention, listen to or emotionally process anything wrestlers say, but you’re bound to these in-ring live conversations to get points across. In-ring speeches should be rarer than they are, at least until the next two generations of fans die out and we’ve mostly forgotten what a Stone Cold Steve Austin was.
Best: The Good Brothers Get Bad Brother’d
This week’s main is AJ Styles vs. Kevin Owens, which is always going to be good. Before the match, Styles cuts a promo about how this isn’t Japan, and how The Club needs to disband. Gallows and Anderson get their feelings hurt, tell Styles he’s no longer their brother OR their friend, and bail. You’d think they’d just run back out and cost him the match, but +1 to WWE for taking their time getting from point A to point B for once. Another +1 if they don’t just do point A five more times in a row.
If Sami Zayn is in the Money in the Bank ladder match, you know Kevin Owens has to be, so the outcome of this wasn’t ever in question for me. Still, it’s a hell of a match, and Styles deserves an ugly t-shirt purchase for that powerbomb on the ring steps. Did Styles show up on Sunday afternoon before the pay-per-view and tell everyone to break his tailbone so he could go on the DL? Because he seems really into getting thrown into sh*t.
Owens winning clean is a nice call (keep on on par with Sami at all times please, treat them like Tomax and Xamot), and I like how strong of a competitor he’s been lately. He lost the IC title in a ladder match, didn’t take the pin in the awesome fatal-fourway, and now he’s trouncing the previous night’s PPV main-eventer in the main event of Raw. That’s dope.
For more info on Kevin Owens being great:
Best: Someone Else’s Club
To put it another way:
— Finn Bálor (@FinnBalor) May 24, 2016
YES PLEASE.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Spitty
My favorite Kevin Owens match is when he tagged with HBK to face the McMahons at Backlash.
Flair4thegold
Charlotte put hard times on Ric Flair cause hard times is when a man works a job and ignores his family for 30 years and the his daughter give him a gold watch and kick him in the heinie and say your done daddy
The Real Birdman
“I hate you Sami!”
“…I’m AJ”
“I know what I said!”
TheBazz
“I, AJ Styles, a man who has wrestled Kurt Angle, Sting, Ric Flair, Christopher Daniels, Samoa Joe, CM Punk, Bryan Danielson, Kazuchika Okada, Shinsuke Nakamura, Hiroshi Tanahashi, and countless others, can safely say I have never in my life wrestled a better man than Dwayne’s cousin who can’t get over to save his life. And I swear I am saying this of my own volition, being of sound mind.”
*blinks HELP ME in Morse code*
Clay Quartermain
AJ will never get the title walking out there with his hair dry like that
Taylor Swish
Vince: Change your character? That’s nonsense Cody. Look at Dolph, he’s had the same gimmick for years and see where its taken him?
Cody Rhodes: (Hands in resignation)
JonSte13
Flair’s heart just bladed
Designated Piledriver
I’m assuming Dana is just flexing and humming her theme music during all this…
Daniel Valentin
Cass not having Enzo around is like Captain America not having his shield: he’s still a badass, but he doesn’t have his signature projectile to chuck around.
AddMayne
All I want is one scene with Dean seeing seth and then they play the kill bill sirens
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