Previously on the Best and Worst of WWE Raw: Survivor Series 2016 happened, and here’s the short version: Goldberg beat Brock Lesnar in less than 90 seconds, and nothing involving the WWE roster happened or changed.
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And now, the Best and Worst of WWE Raw for November 21, 2016.
Best: That’s Our Bill
Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite Harley Davidson tackle-dad Bill Goldberg confirming that he’ll be part of the 2017 Royal Rumble match. He makes sure to say he’s the “first entrant” in the match, meaning he’s the first person to announce that they’re participating and ensuring like 10 weeks of people on the Internet thinking he said he was entering at number one.
Goldberg didn’t actually mention Brock Lesnar once, so either (1) Brock died on the way back to his home planet, or (2) this is a clear and obvious setup asking us to forget about Brock for a couple of months so we’re surprised when he shows up in the Royal Rumble and eliminates Goldberg. That’ll set up the final match between the two at WrestleMania 33, somewhere between the Triple H match and Shaq vs. Big Show.
Honestly though, the nihilist in me kinda wants to see Goldberg enter at number one and manage to wrestle 29-straight Goldberg matches en route to winning. Like, there’s never more than two people in the ring. Someone enters, eats a spear, gets Jackhammered and gets tossed. Better yet, have that happen 28 times, have number 30 be Brock and have Brock vs. Goldberg III still only last about 90 seconds.
Worst: ♫ This Is The Reign That Doesn’t End, It Just Goes On And On My Friend, Some People Started Booking It Not Knowing What It Was, Then Demolition Sued Them And It Goes On Just Because … ♫
I think we’ve all gotten to the point where we’d rather WWE just lie and say New Day’s held the Tag Team Championship for 500 days so we can never hear about Demolition again, and one of these mid-card tag teams that desperately needs a title run can finally get one. New Day’s stranglehold on the titles has not only made them repetitive and stale, it’s hurt the entire division. New Day can’t be anything new or get into any real stories until this passive-aggressive records beef is done. Remember when the Divas Revolution happened, and WWE couldn’t actually book a revolution to occur because they needed to get rid of AJ Lee’s title run record? So every woman on the show competed in these 3-on-3-on-3 garbage monster tags for months? That’s the tag division. God help us if the Honky Tonk Man talks shit about Trump or whatever and we’ve got to sit through 455 days of an Intercontinental Champion losing non-title matches to pad his record.
I think that’s the worst part of it. New Day isn’t just winning a lot. They’re losing a lot, and they’re cheating to win when they win. Here, Cesaro has the match won with a Sharpshooter, but illogically releases it to shoo Xavier Woods off the apron. Shit like this is helping me understand why MMA fighters just keep punching unconscious people in the face until the ref stops the fight. Between New Day’s cheating to retain the championships and getting booed for insulting Demolition, maybe WWE’s trying to prep us for a heel turn? And it’s not just bad babyface booking? I guess it comes down to the eternal question: Is it more important to put on a good show, or sell cereal?
Actually no, the worst part of it is that right after New Day retains, we find out that the number one contenders are THE CLUB. I’m not kidding. Despite us having seen them lose to New Day over and over and over (and over and over, and over) (and over), they’re getting another Tag Team Championship match on Raw. So unless we’ve spent all this time talking about Demolition and Demolition’s record just to have them fall short a week before, The Club’s losing again.
If we’re being honest, the Club should’ve taken the tag titles off the New Day during their first feud. Sheamus and Cesaro probably should’ve taken the titles off of them the week before Hell in a Cell, or at Hell in a Cell, or at Survivor Series, or here. Get the record over with so we can move on with our lives, and somebody else in the tag team division can do something.
Worst: The Adventures Of Naked Enzo
I feel like I’m recapping a Lucha Underground story trying to talk about this, but here goes.
– Enzo Amore falls victim to a “shower prank” and ends up naked in the hallway. Instead of like, staying at the locker room door or searching nearby for something to cover himself, he just starts calmly walking through the entire backstage area. As you do.
– He ends up running into Lana, who just walks up to him and stands near him making “oh no” sexy confused faces because as we learned from the Dolph Ziggler storyline, her character has the sexual maturity of a 5-year old. For the entire segment she’s a stunned child who can’t exist in proximity to a penis. Especially one she approached and decided to stand near.
– Rusev shows up and gets mad at Enzo for having a penis near his catatonic wife, which somehow leads to a match later.
– Just in case anyone missed the subtle undertones of the angle, Enzo prefaces the match with a bunch of jokes about how much Lana wants to see his dick. Rusev murders Enzo in the ring, because of course he does, and continues to be the heel for standing up for his wife.
– After the match, Cass runs Rusev off and makes huffy-puffy face because he’s so mad that his shower prank and condescending sing-along led to his best friend losing a wrestling match. Just huffin’ and puffin’ so hard.
So anyway, that’s the story. A guy gets locked in the hallway naked by his friend, a WWE cameraman decides to follow the naked man around and document it for several minutes, a lady who has never seen a dick before treats it like she’s listening to a racist uncle at Thanksgiving, a weirdly-possessive aggro husband gets physically angry about the the same level of threatening harassment the Shining Stars got, the naked guy put into a weird situation against his will doubles down on the harassment for no real reason and gets his lunch eaten for it, and everybody’s just kinda stupid and unhappy.
Looking forward to Big Cass and Rusev in a tuxedo match at Roadblock.
Best: You Know Who’s Fault It Is?
The best part of Raw in a walk is the Highlight Reel, featuring Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho arguing about their eliminations at Survivor Series, The List being used as a foreign object and the apparent ruination of their friendship. I swear, Kevin Owens was on another level this week. He seemed more comfortable than normal, his timing with Jericho was incredible, him throwing shade at Daniel Bryan when people started “yes” chanting, and (spoiler alert) killing it in the main event. I don’t know if he’s finally sick and tired of being an afterthought as Universal Champion or what, but he was absolutely last night’s MVP.
Anyway, Jericho and Owens get accusatory about who’s responsible for what, both attempting to throw their friendship under a bus. It builds and builds to a physical confrontation, and the magical moment: both men blaming Roman Reigns, the crowd erupting in thunderous applause, and them hugging. A MASTERPIECE.
The stuff with Rollins is less good, but Canada being SUPER INTO Jericho and Owens makes it enjoyable. Canada is about friendship!
Rollins ends up attacking both of them in the name of getting the title shot he was promised for being on Stephanie McMahon’s Survivor Series team, which leads to a 2-on-1 attack and a save from Roman Reigns. Watching the Reigns/Rollins dynamic is honestly a lot of fun, because the crowd wants to love Rollins but doesn’t have a lot of reasons to, and they want to hate Reigns but don’t have a lot of reasons to.
Worst: Sami Zayn Gets Punished
Man, if you want a reason to think the Raw management team is total bullshit, check out poor Sami Zayn. Before Survivor Series, Stephanie McMahon was like, “Raw team, if you don’t win against Smackdown YOUR JOBS ARE ON THE LINE.” The entire team loses at Smackdown — Smackdown still had two dudes remaining, even, and only lost Dean Ambrose and AJ Styles because they wouldn’t stop fighting each other — and nothing happens. Stephanie explains to Mick that she’s not really going to fire them, she was just trying to motivate them. Sure, okay.
Sami Zayn earned a chance to face The Miz for the Intercontinental Championship at Survivor Series, with the stipulation that if he should win the match, the IC title would come to Raw. He has the match won fair and square, but Maryse rings the bell and causes a bunch of confusion. That leads to Sami getting rolled up and pinned. He doesn’t bring the IC title to Raw, but he was winning the match, and only lost due to very visible, obvious, blatant and unpunished cheating. Stephanie and Mick Foley chose to punish him for this. Not punish the Raw men’s team that super lost. Nope, Seth Rollins got pinned and he gets a no DQ Universal Championship match. Nothing bad happens to Roman for taking the match-losing pin. Jericho and Owens get to do their thing, but Sami gets punished by having to face Braun Strowman. The same Braun Strowman that was also on the team that lost. New Day got pinned like chumps right away, but they get to do beans greens potatoes tomatoes jokes. Charlotte won and beat up her own teammate. Brian Kendrick was gonna lose and cost Raw an entire division, and was only saved by an unrelated feud from Smackdown. The only person out of ALL OF THESE PEOPLE to face ANY CONSEQUENCES WHATSOEVER is the super nice, well-meaning guy who worked for his spot and lost by cheating. Fuuuuck yoooou.
Best: The Actual Punishment
That bullshit aside, the actual match between Sami and Braun was brilliantly done. Braun jumps Sami from behind during Sami’s entrance, and just beats him into unconsciousness until Mick Foley has to come out and solemnly stop the match. Two things make it work:
1. Sami Zayn is better at selling than anyone in the company, especially when it comes to those gurgly passed-out-and-maybe-dying beatdown moments. Braun trying to lift him by a limp arm and having to like, carry him around the ring by his armpits were great.
2. Braun is THE DUDE right now. Having him end Sami like this was brutal, and even better because you know Braun knows this guy’s more of a challenge than he’s willing to admit, so he jumps him from behind, just in case.
I might be looking forward to a big blow-off match between these two more than anything else on Raw, and by “might be” I mean “definitely am.” I’m also interested in Zayn beating Strowman at Royal Rumble, then storming into Mick’s office to tell management he’s going to Smackdown and they can all go screw.
Emmalina Is Premiering Soon
Emmalina, brought to you by the people in charge of Half-Life 3.
Worst: Nia Jax Talking
Two problems here.
The first is that we’re setting up for yet another Raw Women’s Championship match between Charlotte Flair and Sasha Banks on Raw. If it’s anything like the last two times, Sasha will win the championship, show up the next week to talk about how much it means to her, then lost it back to Charlotte at the next pay-per-view. Then Sasha will have a rematch clause, and the cycle will repeat.
The second is that Nia Jax talking is the most counterproductive thing you could POSSIBLY be doing with her. Putting a foam block of cheese on her head and having her try to do nunchucks with no training would be better for her than talking. It’s especially bad when you pair her with Sasha. It’s like watching two middle schoolers act out a skit about the dangers of drugs and alcohol. Charlotte is light years beyond both of them on the mic. Dana Brooke standing behind them making YEAH SON YEAH gestures about everything is beyond both of them.
Best: An Actual Four Horsewomen, Maybe?
That segment leads to Sasha and “Belly” vs. Charlotte and Nia, and as per usual, things get better when they actually start wrestling. I wish they’d consider giving Sasha Banks a charismatic hype man to do her talking for her. But yeah, the tag match is good, even if it ends with another “the challenger has beaten the champion” thing.
The best part is that these bits seem to be building Charlotte, Dana and Nia as an actual faction, which would be a blessing for everyone involved. Originally the women’s revolution was nothing BUT factions, and then everyone just kinda agreed to stop hanging out. Pooling all these meandering heels together and giving them a common goal to cover their weaknesses and accentuate their strengths could really help, and giving the faces something to do besides hug each other and talk about how they’re making history all the time could finally create some engaging stories for the women. There’s a lot of talent here, they just need to know what those talents are. Charlotte’s an athlete that can (mostly) talk, Dana’s a shit-talking strongman playing above her pay grade, Nia is a monster. Don’t have Nia talk so Dana can have long wrestling matches and Charlotte can squash people, you know?
Also, +1 forever if the payoff next week is Sasha asking Bayley to be in her corner for the match, then turning on her and joining Charlotte’s team. THAT’S WHAT YOU GET FOR PARTICIPATING IN A 5-ON-1 BEATDOWN ON SMACKDOWN, BAYLEY.
Best: I’m Not From Here! I’ve Got My OWN Customs!
I don’t know why the cruiserweights are still here or what Raw plans to do with them, but I thought the Ariya Daivari (yes I am) vs. Cedric Alexander match was a step in the right direction.
The problem I’ve had with the cruiserweights (mostly) is that WWE doesn’t want them to be WCW style cruiserweights who get over by doing bonkers shit you’ve never seen and like, playing air guitar while wearing skeleton costumes or whatever. They’ve portrayed them as tiny versions of normal WWE Superstars, doing normal WWE Superstar things without the heat or reputations. It’s stunted the entire endeavor, and even hurts other parts of the show. Like, sure, Sami Zayn is the biggest underdog in the world, even though his match is followed by three guys who are 40 pounds lighter and half a foot shorter? And WWE hasn’t put any effort into differentiating these guys beyond “these three take this seriously” and “these three love to have fun.”
So I liked the setup here, with one of the most underutilized and marketable babyfaces (Cedric Alexander) goes up against the most overt heel in the division, who gets a pre-match promo to say HERE IS WHY YOU SHOULD BOO ME. I’m obviously not a huge fan of LOOK AT MY CRAZY PASSPORT style heels or most “where you live SUCKS for some reason” promos, but the cruisers are so dead in the fucking water you need to go back to wrestling 101 to fix it. Boo this guy. Cheer this guy. Do a couple of cool things and keep it short.
Best: Big And Rich
That general refocus continues later in the night, where we have a triple threat to name a new number one contender to the Cruiserweight Championship. It seems pretty weird that Rich Swann has pinned the Cruiserweight Champion twice now and has to compete for a title shot against TJ Perkins (who lost his championship rematch) and Noam Dar (who debuted two weeks ago), but sure, let’s do it.
They have Kendrick sit in on commentary and put these guys over, which he does a great job of, and we thankfully give the win to Swann. From a kayfabe perspective, let’s say Swann won because he was the only wrestler of the three who doesn’t stop to do a wacky pose between every move. Swann will get his shot on 205 Live, and if there’s a God in Heaven we’ll just cut the shit and give him a title win there so people have a reason to watch the show. Pretend the Raw cruiserweight division is NXT Redemption and 205 is Full Sail, make Rich Swann your Seth Rollins and build it from there.
Best: Where’s THIS Match Been?
Finally, in what might have been an apology to Toronto for making them sit through 3 hours of Survivor Series to get to a 90-second main event, we get Kevin Owens vs. Seth Rollins, no holds barred for the Universal Championship. Even holds like “jumping through a table” and “diving off the balcony” aren’t barred! NO HOLDS are!
The stipulation is supposed to be that anything goes and there are no disqualifications, but Chris Jericho and Roman Reigns are banned from ringside. Because Jericho has a basic level of deductive reasoning, he figures out that he can still just come to ringside, because what’re they gonna do, disqualify Owens? So he shows up in a Sin Cara mask — get it — and interferes. If you’re keeping score at home, that’s basically the same finish as Kevin Owens vs. Seth Rollins at Clash of Champions and Kevin Owens vs. Seth Rollins at Hell in a Cell. Yo Seth, maybe you should start planning better for that?
Also, I really wish Jericho had worn a Juventud Guerrera mask.
But yeah, aside from the rehash and Roman Reigns not just paying attention and jogging down there in a Kalisto mask to stop it, the main was a lot of fun, and the first time in a while that Kevin Owens and the Universal Championship felt like the most important part of the show. Let’s keep that going.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Harry Longabaugh
El Genericho! You crafty son of a gun!
SaberDragon
*Roman runs out in white gear with a fake mustache*
“Oh my God it’s Rom-err Greek, uh, Snowes! Greek Snowes laying both men out with a Superboy Punch!”
Mark Silletti
Booze doesn’t get a champion to change their mind? Your dad might disagree.
pdragon
Don’t do it Charlotte! You’re on Raw, she has the advantage!
Amaterasu’s Son
An Achievement just popped up on Emma’s phone.
“Glacier promo”
Cami
And they win it with the “Magic Killer” AKA “RAW contract”.
DenseMan1
Lana is wearing like the the fourth iteration of Marge Simpson”s Chanel suit.
Full Nelson Reilly
Wait… so Cass expects men to be erect around him?
AJ Dusman
When Owens and Jericho started fighting, I felt like a kid who was gonna have to pick between his mom and dad…except I actually love Owens and Jericho.
The Real Birdman
Some say Stephanie started Goldberg’s undefeated streak
That’s it for this week, folks. A good Raw for a change! Be sure to hit those share buttons, spread the column around (how you doin’) and drop down into our comments section to let us know what you think. Until next time, I’m off to google “nudist colonies in Puerto Rico.”
