Hey Blue Team, welcome to the first Smackdown on the Road to WrestleMania. I hope all your Royal Rumble dreams came true.
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And now, enjoy The Best and Worst of WWE Smackdown for Jan. 28, 2016.
Worst: Confused Brooding
The first segment of this week’s Smackdown was an emotional roller-coaster ride for me, full of both things I love and hate about WWE in 2016. For every minute of New Day beauty, there’s a minute of RAW Replay booty.
Smackdown starts off with a video package that takes a look back at a week in the life of Roman Reigns. Was the World Champ, but then lost the Rumble, but then found out about Fast Lane… it was an eventful week for Roman. In between those events was a lot of confused brooding. Roman Reigns has one main facial expression; confused brooding. Every time anything happens, he has this look on his face like he is angry but also a bit confused, and at the same time is damn handsome, so it comes off as confused brooding.
AJ Styles’ music hits? Confused brooding.
Triple H is in the Royal Rumble? Confused brooding.
A Triple Threat Match at Fast Lane? Confused brooding.
Sometimes he just stares at Dean Ambrose like that, and it kind of looks like they’re going to kiss, and sometimes I kind of want them to… Anyway, I think he’s trying to do one of the acting tricks he learned when they sent him to train with Howard Fine, but he’s just not pulling it off. Or maybe the character of Roman Reigns is as confused and angry about the storylines he’s in as we are watching them.
After the video package and a quick rundown of tonight’s known card, The New Day’s music hits and they head to the ring. At this point we get my absolute favorite WWE audience shot of the week. It’s a shot of three kids (one of them in a Seth Rollins shirt) rocking out to New Day’s theme, clapping, dancing, singing along… not a care in the world. You kind of just have to see it to understand, but I loved it and if I live another hundred years, I’ll never be as capable of getting lost in a moment as these kids are during New Day’s music.
Less than a minute after New Day enters, Mauro Ranallo asks Byron Saxton, “what’s your name again?” due to the Poochie Rule. They then cut to as much footage of The Rock that they could play without you forgetting you’re watching Smackdown. After what felt like the entirety of a Fast and the Furious movie, they mercifully cut back to New Day live in the ring, who beautifully runs down The Rock (or Rocky as they keep calling him) for his antics on RAW. Soon The Miz interrupts and joins their People Battered By The Rock Support Group, until the Usos interrupt. I hate it when the Usos try. Last week I talked a lot about how I liked when the Usos wrestle New Day because they are so boring. Then this week, they had to go and try. There’s no need for that, Usos. Please just continue to be competent wrestlers and leave the trying to New Day.
The Usos get a chant of “whoa” going, because the WWE Universe will chant anything. They then go on to insult New Day and Miz in a way that felt like they were The Rock’s little brothers; imitating what they’ve seen their big brother do, but not being able to pull it off. The Usos’ comment about Miz’ “pretty little dress” only falls at about a two on the Homophobe Meter, when The Rock can’t open his mouth during a promo without hitting at least a six. The Usos wrap up the promo by bringing out their best friend Dolph Ziggler, and their new friend, Titus O’Neil. The faces rush the ring and send the heels running as Smackdown rolls along.
Best: Titus O’Neil Is A Great Guy… And The Match Is Good Too
When we get back from commercial, a match has been made. Dolph Ziggler, Titus O’Neil, and The Usos vs. The Miz and New Day in an Eight Man Tag Team match, and now you know you’re watching Smackdown baby. This wasn’t as fun as last week’s New Day trio’s match, but it was still very enjoyable. We get some especially good heel wrestling from Kofi Kingston at the start of the match. Good old-school heel stuff, like poking Ziggler in the eye. Great heel selling too. It’s sometimes so hard to believe that this is the same Kofi Kingston as the one from Air Boom. I also loved Kofi’s reactions to Titus’ chops, like a bullet to the chest. He was still selling them on the apron after he tagged out. We get a nice back and forth from Ziggler and Big E in the middle of the match. I love watching those two guys work with each other.
Most of New Day get taken out by flying Usos, leading to Miz being alone in the center of the ring to take a Superkick from Ziggler that sends him to O’Neil for Clash of the Titus and the pin. I continue to like these Smackdown Eight Man Tag Team matches; they’re fast-paced and contain enough participants that if you’re bored with the two in the ring right now, don’t worry, someone else is about to tag in. It’s like an appetizer sampler of wrestlers. I don’t need to sit through a full Kofi Kingston/Titus O’Neil match; just give me the highlights like you did here. Another great thing about these matches is that they actually have pinfall endings, because most of the time The Miz is there to take the pin. My prediction is next week’s Eight Man Tag Team match will be Dolph Ziggler, Ryback, and The Dudley Boyz vs. The Social Outcasts. Book it, Blue Team.
Best: Alberto Del Rio Shrunk
I bought that last joke from Jerry Lawler. Kalisto vs. Neville for the US Title is next. Just in case you thought storyline progress was going to be made here, the announce team informs us that Alberto Del Rio has a rematch coming up at some point. So cherish every moment Kalisto spends in the ring with Neville, because it’s just a temporary side-step in Kalisto’s best of 36 series with Del Rio. Eden announces both of these men as “Slammy Award Winning,” an award so prestigious it was once won by None Of The Above. Neville is such a good wrestler that announcing him as “Slammy Award Winning” is like referring to Denzel Washington as “MTV Movie Award Winning.”
The match begins with the two men circling each other in the ring, followed by a burst of the kind of fast-paced flippy spots you would expect from a Kalisto/Neville match. But then, unexpectedly they slow the pace way down. Neville, on the outside, catches Kalisto as he dives over the ropes. Neville tries to run Kalisto into the timekeeper’s area, but Kalisto counters at the last minute with a very short rana, sending Neville into the barricade instead. The effects of this are felt by the two men for the rest of the match, leading it to being a little less flippy than I thought it would be, and a little more hard-hitting. There was a good sense of desperation in the match; unlike the kind of desperation you feel from Ryback, this desperation was intentional. It felt like both men were trying to win the match as soon as they could because they didn’t have much left in the tank after that spot. I love stuff like that. A big move on the outside should make you take a step back and slow down the match. More often than not, guys just shake that stuff off and get right back into a fast-paced match. Kalisto retains the title with a modified Salida del Sol, which looked pretty scary for Kalisto right before they landed it. This was a fun tryst, but Kalisto has a serious relationship with Del Rio that he has to get back to.
Best: Dean Ambrose
Dean Ambrose has been on a real roll as of late. If you haven’t seen it, take the time to go check out his wwe.com interview with Michael Cole from this past week. Ambrose is moving on to another level, whether the WWE wants him to or not. They’ve spent so much time trying to turn Roman Reigns into the next Steve Austin, when the real deal is standing right next to him. Not even Chris Jericho’s highlight reel can stop Ambrose. At this point, the idea of Dean in the ring with Lesnar is more appealing to me than anything rumored to take place at WrestleMania.
This week’s highlight reel begins with a very tired looking Chris Jericho slowly walking us through the events of the Royal Rumble. His guests this week are Ambrose and Reigns, here to talk about their upcoming match at Fast Lane. Ambrose arrives bearing gifts; he gives a potted plant to Jericho to help spruce up the rather barren highlight reel set. This seems to sort of bring Jericho out of character, as he conducts the rest of the interview more like a person and less like a walking/talking Buzzfeed article being read by your baby boomer uncle. Jericho asks Ambrose and Reigns actual questions and not once refers to them as “Deanie Beanie Baby” or “Reignsalamadingdong.” Chris wants to talk about Brock Lesnar and Ambrose tells him he’s not afraid of him. Roman seems to think Dean should be, telling him Lesnar is for real. Ambrose tells Roman he doesn’t have to beat Lesnar; he can just beat Roman instead. Nothing makes Roman Reigns look worse than being next to Dean Ambrose. Everything Ambrose says flows out of his mouth with ease and seems real. Yet in the same conversation, Roman’s words seem stilted and fake with little to no emotion behind them. It’s like something out of a show at Disneyland where a human cast member has to interact with an animatronic character. Bray Wyatt interrupts at just the right moment, cutting a solid and concise promo setting up a Six Man Tag for later in the show.
Best: Something Happens On Smackdown
AJ Styes Vs. Curtis Axel is a match we would have seen years ago in the Impact Zone if Michael McGillicutty had been Future Endeavored instead of repackaged. What is Who Cares doing in the Impact Zone!? The justification for this match is perfect. The Social Outcasts are upset that AJ Styles was trending after RAW, and not them. And Curtis has a personal beef with AJ because Styles eliminated him from The Royal Rumble, ending his over 364 day Royal Rumble Record. I didn’t know I wanted to see AJ Styles vs. Curtis Axel, but here we are. Turns out Axel would have been a pretty solid ’80s jobber.
The match itself was good; Axel gets in some offense until Styles catches him with a powerful clothesline, followed by a series of moves ending with a lariat in the corner. It’s pretty much all Styles from here on out, including a nice Pele kick off the second rope. Axel goes for the fisherman suplex, but AJ counters with another Pele kick and that’s when it happens. SOMETHING. Nothing of significance ever happens on Smackdown, so something happening on Smackdown is a gigantic deal around these parts. The first Styles Clash in WWE, and it happened on Smackdown. This is the Smackdown equivalent of The Rock showing up on RAW. AJ hits the Styles Clash on Axel, almost killing him in the process to get the win, and I’m a happy man because something happened on Smackdown. In your face, Superstars and Main Event.
Best: Cheating, Even When You Don’t Have To
Once again this week, the Diva’s segment is the most competent segment on the show. It hits all the beats it needs to, moving the storyline forward and having a good match at the same time. This Charlotte vs. Natalya match is not on the level of their NXT Title Match, but that should go without saying. But they once again did their best with the time they were allotted. It was a good short match, with Charlotte looking dominant, but Nattie not looking bad either. Charlotte picks up the win with the figure eight after Nattie gets distracted by Daddy Flair “wooing” on the outside. I like that Ric’s distraction was a lot more subtle than the sexual harassment lawsuit Becky could pursue after what he did at The Royal Rumble.
This is the perfect kind of match for Charlotte right now. It makes her feel like a dominant champion. In her matches with Becky, it kind of felt like her father had to cheat for her to win. Tonight I felt like Charlotte would have had this match won even without Ric’s help, and that’s important for your champion. It also turns Charlotte into my favorite type of heel; the kind that cheats to win even when they don’t have to. I like it. I’ve liked everything centering around the Divas Championship this year. Charlotte attacks Natalya after the match, but Becky Lynch runs down to make the save. I love that there was an actual justifiable reason for Becky to show up and go after Charlotte. In the men’s division, Roman or Cena would have come down to beat the champ up just because they lost their match against them at The Royal Rumble, completely forgetting that they’re supposed to be good guys, let alone heroes. Here Becky is justified in going after Charlotte, because Nattie is her friend. She’s here to save her — she’s seen enough. Roman Reigns could learn a thing or two from Becky Lynch.
Worst: Smacked Down
Chris Jericho, Roman Reigns, and Dean Ambrose vs. The Wyatt Family is the most Smackdown Smackdown on Smackdown. It’s not bad, but it’s not great. Nothing happens, nothing is important, we’ve seen it all before. This would be the perfect main event for a Sunday afternoon house show in Baltimore. There’s no need to explain anything that happened in the match because nothing happened. I can’t stress enough that this wasn’t a bad match. It was a good match. If it wasn’t for the ending, I probably would have given it a best. I don’t like giving “worsts” to good wrestling, but I’m sick and tired of getting to the end of Smackdown and being smackdowned. The match ends with Braun Strowman pulling Roman Reigns out of the ring, thereby getting the family disqualified.
This is the fourth Smackdown on USA and the fourth Smackdown in a row where the main event ended without a pinfall or submission. Every Smackdown on USA has ended with some sort of count out or disqualification, because these matches don’t matter. The WWE knows they don’t matter, the participants know they don’t matter, and the fans know they don’t matter. So why are they taking place? To top it all off, the show ends with a run-in by the Lord of Unimportance, The Big Show. He has a stare down with Braun Strowman which gave me flashbacks of the Giant and the Yeti, just without Hulk Hogan being humped in between them. The faces run off The Wyatt Family and Smackdown goes off the air with Ambrose, Reigns, Jericho, and Show celebrating. What they’re celebrating? I don’t know.
