This Thanksgiving, Impact Wrestling put its own stamp on America’s love letter to togetherness and tryptophan. The #BROKEN saga of the Hardy Boys marches on, but this time, the works got all gummed up with the holiday whimsy of sweatervests and retrograde amnesia. But — we’re getting ahead of ourselves here.
When we last visited the Hardy Compound, their #BROKEN family had successfully deleted the invading members of The Decay on Halloween night. Before they could settle in to enjoy hoards of candy while re-bleaching their grey streaks, another enemy appeared at the door. This led to an ongoing feud with The DCC, a stable possibly created by a sixteen-year-old boy who just started getting into Mr. Robot and Naomi Klein. Their battle would lead to a brutal backstage fight, culminating with Matt Hardy fighting a masked DCC member on top of a raised forklift. That forklift would be Matt’s undoing, however, as a fall from the top seemingly left him with complete and total amnesia.
Now, Matt has traded in his silk cargo pants and crazy eyes for selections from the Kerwin White Fall Collection and ice cream socials. No, seriously. His concerned wife Reby has summoned Brother Nero to help bring Matt back from the horrors of white mediocrity. Jeff is equally perplexed by this change in Matt, and attempts to reverse his obvious brain damage by doing his very own Broken Matt Hardy impression.
Needless to say, it doesn’t work as well as Jeff had hoped.
While Matt whips up a batch of lobster bisque, Reby (Debbie?) tries to jog his memory with a rousing family rendition of Obsolete, leaving Matt even more confused than before.
Frustrated, Jeff decides to take Matt for a ride on his dirt bike. He excitedly tells Matt it’s the same dirt bike he broke his leg on, but Matt remains unenthused. After a harrowing bike ride through the woods, the two brothers arrive at the Lake of Reincarnation. Jeff begs Matt to get in, hoping that a lake baptism will return Matt to the glory of his broken brilliance just as it restored his own. Alas, Matt refuses to go into the lake past his knees. Instead of forcing him underwater, Jeff stalks off, vowing to go to the Impact Zone and fight the DCC by himself.
As an aside, Jeff Hardy indignantly yelling YOU USED TO BE MAGICAL! is absolutely my favourite Jeff Hardy.
Things are looking grim back at the house. In yet another futile attempt to restore his memory, Reby show him video of The Final Deletion. Matt is equally horrified at the idea of shooting fireworks and committing arson as he is the outrageous cost of birthday decorations and extraordinary xylophones. It’s okay Matt! I felt the same way the first time I watched it, but don’t worry, it grows on you.
Matt bustles around the yard, hurriedly preparing for his Thanksgiving Ice Cream Social. Senor Benjamin and Vanguard-1 look on his he prepares his tangerine custard gelato. Sh*tty Ref from his first broken match against Jeff Hardy pulls up into the yard, claiming that Reby has asked him to show Matt more videos of his Impact Wrestling exploits. Matt is intrigued, then repulsed by the violence of his matches. Since that didn’t work. Reby pulls out the big guns — no, not those — a hypnotists.
While under hypnosis, Matt remembers being blessed by the seven dieties, who helps him shed his inferior mortal self to become a 2000 year old vessel. Sadly, once the hypnotist pulled him out, it was Regular Cargo Pants Matt Hardy who remained.
At her wits end, Reby once again tries to stress the importance of Matt remembering his true form. He’s having none of it, storming out of the house and yelling about how he doesn’t want to be known as the guy who eats people, but rather the “person who makes wonderous peach cobbler.” Amnesia or not, that’s probably what anyone who eats people would say. Distact ’em with the cobbler so they ignore your cannibalism, y’know? It’s just common sense.
Shouting to the heavens for a sign from the seven dieties, Matt is suddenly struck by a bolt of lightning. Laughing as Reby rushes to his side, he proclaims that he’s returned to his Broken form. Look at that, he got his groove back, and he didn’t even have to f-ck Taye Diggs first.
Now that he’s back, what could possibly be next? A Hardy’s Hallmark Christmas Special? Um, actually yes, do that please. I’m gonna need Vanguard-1 and Senor Benjamin in matching elf costumes immediately, thanks.
