Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend. Impact Wrestling is on the road to Destination X, and … What’s the best way to say this? Oh yes — there’s some mild wheel-spinning.
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Previously: Alberto El Patron was a liar, but he wasn’t no punk.
EH, but ACE Adjace: MAYOR DEWEY
Er … I’m sorry, I meant “MAYOR BUDDY.” But if Mayor Dewey were to make a pit stop in the Impact Zone, I wouldn’t hate it. Especially since he would most definitely be a better ring announcer than Mayor Buddy Dyer. Technically, this stunt is another plus column situation for GFW Impact, one that treats the company as an institution in Orlando. Ya don’t see the mayor of O-Town over at Full Sail University, do you? No, really — do you? I’m almost a month behind on NXT but completely caught up on Impact.
The problem with this — the Buddy Dyer thing, not my NXT thing — is that Buddy Dyer is almost comically bad at ring announcing. Everyone has pretended to announce something at least once in their lives, right? Even an “ … and the crowd goes wild!” counts for that. Buddy Dyer does not sound like a man who has even once pretended such a thing, and when he announces the winners, I swear, no man has ever sounded more bored. Ben Stein would take notes on this kind of lack of emotion.
A grown man who chooses to go by the name Buddy needs to come to play.
ACE: Team GMSI
Ah, this is a fun “get your shit in” match to start the show, centering on the Grand Championship and all the enemies Moose (and EC3, given his interference) has made along the way.It’s the type of match that seems inconsequential but fun because of how forgettable the Grand Championship can be, but at the same time, the fact that it’s causing this kind of competition is a point in the title’s favor. Plus, EC3 introduces a brand new finisher in the form of the “ECD” aka “Ethan Carter’s Driver” aka an Implant DDT.
This match feels a little long for what it is, but once it finally gives us Moose against EC3, that sprint to the finish is pretty damn fun. Also, for once, EC3 is able to allow teamwork to make the dream work. The key is of course that cheating also makes the dream work.
I do wonder though: What is “worse”? Last week, four of these six men found themselves in a Fatal Four-Way that honestly should have been the main event and instead played the penultimate segment to the LAX/Alberto telenovela. Now, this week’s match opens the show while LAX/Alberto also main events. I understand the entertainment aspect of sports entertainment — believe me, I do — but I suppose I’d just like to know first if Impact is officially off any claim of ever being a company that cares more about the wrestling, in-ring aspect than it does the talking.
EH: We Need To Talk About Eddie
This match’s existence also highlights the Eddie Edwards Situation in Impact right now. Eddie Edwards is in this weird space right now after winning his feud against Davey Richards, whereas Davey is off having more character development right as he’s out the door. He’s just a likable babyface body in multi-man tag team matches right now, and it’s kind of sad.
I’m not saying he needs to be shoved down our throats right now, and his in-ring work is still up to par (he’s just as entertaining in this match as anyone else), but when you can pretty much list the current status of all the wrestlers in this particular match — even Eli Drake and Chris Adonis, who have spent the past few weeks “feuding” with blow-up muscle dolls — except for Eddie Edwards, there’s kind of a problem. He and Marufuji do have quite a bit of team chemistry though …
ACE: The Standby Renee Young
And now we know the truth: The sass was inside McKenzie Mitchell all along. Sure, it’s unprofessional that she calls out just how stupid someone is — and Richard “Dick” Justice’s “Standby Wrestler” gimmick falls into the good form of stupid — but can you imagine how long she’s wanted to call someone out for literally anything? She was bound to snap eventually, especially after all the stupid stuff that’s been going on with commentators, authority figures, a lawyer who does all the law, etc. I welcome McKenzie’s transition from pleasant enough interviewer to Impact Wrestling’s Renee Young.
Now why can’t she be the one to host After Impact? Why can’t anyone likable be the one to host After Impact?
ACE: ohio (Is) Very enchanting (4 Killers)
That’s what oVe must stand for, right?
EH: Wrestling 101
Congratulations to Matt Sydal and Bobby Lashley, two men who want to go after two different championships in two different divisions and now have to go against each other’s title-less selves. Way to create a match neither of you actually wanted, dummies.
(I mean, I’m sure the match will be very good. But they played themselves.)
ACE: Best In The World! Best In The World!
Davey Richards had to have known he could’ve waited until after his last Impact episode aired to announce his departure from GFW, but it was pretty smart to do it before this match. Especially since watching it, knowing he’s not moving forward in Impact — it’s different than watching it, seeing him lose, and then maybe wondering about what he’ll do next.
This match is booked well just from the video package alone, with Davey Richards pointing out that he knows Ishimori from a training perspective, having gone through the same Japanese dojo experience and knowing how that affects a wrestler. So the story you expect is one of two men who can keep up with each other, possibly know what the other is going to do before he does is — and that’s exactly the story the match tells.
Even better, that story is a lot more than “look at what cool flippy move I can do.” There’s a time and a place for that, but it’s for the best that’s not all the Super X Cup matches are. The Davey Richards/Ishimori match is completely different from every other match in the tournament, and in the best way possible. And that also means no forced commentary about how lightning fast each man was going, because that’s not what this match is.
Even without the departing Davey context, this feels more like a showcase for Davey (despite losing) than it does for Ishimori. Which makes sense, as this is the end of the line (in this tournament for Davey), while Ishimori’s next match will be against ACH, his tag team partner, and that’s the match you want to really look out for. But the thing that really stands out about this match is how much it means this far removed from the heyday of Davey in Ring of Honor. All of the things that became parody about him and his American Strong Style feel a little better in a time when he’s even selling the effects of a match from Sunday on a Thursday.
Davey shows off how much better he’s gotten at messing with the crowd, to a point where it doesn’t just feel like nonsensical stalling for a reversal from his opponent. Note the way he looks at the crowd when they howl as he tries to howl — it’s the logical response from the guy who later tells them all he doesn’t need their help.
And this match comes with the story that Davey has a chip on his shoulder because he doesn’t even want to be in this tournament and sees himself as heavyweight champion material, not another X-Division guy. It’s sadly a story there won’t be time to dwell on, but for what it brings to this match, that’s invaluable. Davey shows off that he’s just as well-versed at this style as Ishimori is — possibly even better — but he also beats himself with his own frustrations from the crowd.
ACE: “Wow, That Hurt”
“Those double knees! Shades of Elijah Burke!”
Pope can officially retire from commentary now. We all know there’s no way he’s going to call anything better than that.
ACE: Momma Said Knock You Out
I wondered last week if the Last Knockout Standing match would live up to the craziness of NXT’s Last Woman Standing match with Asuka versus Nikki Cross. Neither match was helped by the pre-recorded natures of the ad breaks during them, but the Last Knockout Standing didn’t feel as brutal. It doesn’t help that a match like this should probably have more buildup than just, “Karen Jarrett doesn’t like the champion,” but there really aren’t too many other places you can go storyline-wise when Karen Jarrett is directly involved.
Sienna and Rosemary really just don’t feel like they’re at the level of hatred where this match really hits hard enough, though. Yes, there’s some innovation with the tarantula on the Impact Zone fence or the AK-47 to the floor, but look at the context of the feud as a whole. It’s mostly Sienna making fun of Rosemary for being a Goth girl who she’s exposed, Rosemary not reacting at all to any of that, and Sienna also trying to prove all the doubters wrong. Rosemary’s grudge with Sienna was really only to help Allie, but the whole championship feud got into the mix, and then she lost her title. They may not like each other, but they have yet to really sell that they hate each other. Yes, even with ha Red Wedding onto a steel chair.
However, it’s still a pretty entertaining match and, again, one that could easily the main event of the whole show. It also keeps Rosemary strong (in case anyone was really worried about that), by having Sienna win simply because she had something to lean on. Literally.
Even KM does a good job (after his awkward spot of trying to give Sienna water early on, and her just not noticing it) here, as his delusional heel character is out in full force in this match. First he’s trying to tell the crowd tables are illegal, then he’s telling the referee that Sienna’s up when she’s clearly down. “Come on, Sienna!. You’ve got her right where you want her!” is especially a gem, as Sienna is visibly crawling away from Rosemary at that point. Also, KM possibly doesn’t know how to count to 10. It’s beautiful.
And you know what? While the tarantula on fence is cool, it’s only almost as cool as the eyepatch guy in the crowd who gets to see it up close.
EH: I Now Pronounce You Grado And Joseph
Is Joseph Park married? Because if not, there’s an easier sham marriage to have, right in front of these two. It’s much easier than having to face Kongo Kong in an eventual Laurel Van Ness On A Pole match. He even tries to sell Grado on the proposal tuxedo with, “I’d say yes to you.” Just do it, Impact. Or you can just make more Grindr jokes, I guess.
This would still allow Braxton Sutter to slowly but surely continue his transformation into the perfectly stereotypical Bad Boyfriend we see for a moment in this segment. (Yes, that is an “ACE,” as is the idea that Allie is so desperate for Laurel to move on dot org that she cheers Grado’s proposal on in person.)
EH: He’s Short!
This week in, “What is Impact doing with Octagoncito,” Octagoncito is Trevor Lee’s joke opponent. The build up is that he’s “the best high flyer in Mexico,” only for it to be a laugh when it’s mini-wrestler and new Impact Wrestling talent Octagoncito. This is, of course, after Octagoncito had a good showing in the multi-man tag match against Trevor Lee last week, so it makes even sense that his role is two play Mexico Ellsworth in training.
At the same time, this match treats it as though it’s a surprise he’s out wrestling Trevor — after it got the short joke spots out, of course — even though he showed him up last week. In fact, this makes Trevor dumb for even setting up this match in the first place. Then again, Impact can’t seem to make up their mind on if we’re supposed to see Octagoncito as a serious competitor or a sideshow.
Yes, Octagoncito wins. By count-out. You could argue the fact that Trevor Lee underestimated him and paid for it means Impact wants to keep Octagoncito looking good, but the guy then celebrates winning the match, like he actually did something worthwhile… Even though he didn’t, because Trevor Lee isn’t actually the champion. He celebrates absolutely nothing.
Based on the pattern so far, I can only assume this means that Octagoncito will look amazing next week.
EH: May I Please Speak With Your Supervisor?
Fine, we’re saying Karen only has jurisdiction over the Knockouts. So then what is Dutch Mantell’s role? What about Scott D’Amore? You bring these people back, tell us that they’re important figures in this show, but you don’t even tell us what they do. What, exactly, is Bruce Prichard’s job description and title? And why does it prevent anyone else we know to have some power backstage from saying, “Um, maybe don’t ban the actual X-Division Champion from the building for wanting to get his property back? Also, stop allowing this caveman kid to make a mockery out of the X-Division.”
Like I’ve said before, the actual Trevor Lee storyline is good, but the way it’s going with the Bruce Prichard of it all and the nonsensical banning of Sonjay Dutt from the building is 100% stupid, especially when the other half of the X-Division is all about a tournament that would presumably lead to X-Division Championship contendership.
EH: Words Have Meaning
Commentary can go on and on about how dangerous LAX are, but boy is this storyline quickly making those claims absolute lies. After last week’s destruction, this week’s Gauntlet match is really just an embarrassment for LAX. It would be one thing if LAX were clearly stalling for the eventual jump or for the arrival of a secret weapon… but they’re not. Their orders are very clearly to take Alberto out, and they can’t get the job done. Homicide gets punked out bad with a single suplex and a pretty bad frog splash. Santana and Ortiz then put in more of the work, but Alberto barely breaks a sweat and is on his way to defeating Ortiz when LAX finally jumps in and ends it all.
EH: It’s — It’s Veterans Of War.
Have you noticed how commentary — and Bruce Prichard — have kept hitting the bullet point on the Alberto/LAX feud being a personal, family matter? Of course you have, it’s literally the biggest topic of conversation during this feud. So it obviously makes sense that Dos Caras and El Hijo De Dos Caras (aka “Alberto’s little brother”) would run in to try to help Alberto. They’re already proven they’re really more liabilities than help in this situation, but still: family.
It makes much less sense that Veterans Of War show up. Especially when commentary goes on and on about this being a family affair and personal matter. Especially when this storyline isn’t even about LAX versus America. Especially when Veterans Of War are barely characters on this show.
Especially when this whole story has a major thread about Latino pride, and there is another Latino tag team on the show, a babyface team at that.
Like I’ve said before, Alberto’s overness is the one thing getting LAX booed, and this segment makes it clear that fire isn’t going to transfer over to anyone who helps him. It also doesn’t help that — even with the back-up — Alberto is still the only one who changes things. Veterans Of War are basically distraction fodder for Alberto to clean house, but they all celebrate with the champ front and center, despite having really done nothing.
