It’s December 1st, which means Movember is over and you can shave that unsightly growth off your face.
In celebration of another year Movembered, we decided to comb the history of professional wrestling and list our choices for the 30 greatest soup-strainers in the sport’s history. This list was put together with education and science, so remember that while you may disagree (and voice your opinions in our comments section below) the list is objective and final. Objective. About which pro wrestlers had the best mustaches. No, seriously.
Note: The definition of what a mustache is can vary, so here’s what we did. If the person had facial hair above their lip but not on their chin, we let it count. If they had a great ‘stache but too much chin hair, we disqualified them. That excluded a few notable mustaches, like Dutch Mantell/Zeb Colter. There may be instances of them going bare-chinned, but if it wasn’t common enough we made a judgment call. Each entry contains an explanation of why they ranked where they ranked, but for the sake of transparency we considered style, grooming, fullness, importance to character and time spent on the face. Some guys had great mustaches for a short portion of their career, and that may have bumped them down the list.
So! Without further explanation, here are our choices for the 30 greatest mustaches in pro wrestling history.
30. Simon Gotch
Danielle: I’m not gonna lie, Simon Gotch barely squeaked onto this list. There are innumerable independent wrestlers who are rocking some mean ‘staches, some that would rival or even surpass Gotch’s, but hey, if I didn’t feature someone from NXT Brandon would probably fire me.
I love Gotch’s because it’s just … I mean, it’s A Mustache. It’s the kind of mustache you’d see drawn onto an Italian stereotype on the side of a pizza box, or even sported by the villain in a Victorian stage melodrama. As a girl with a known fondness for both mustaches and time-displaced wrestlers, I pretty much have to be all-in on someone whose persona hinges on being both an Olde Time Strongman and possible secret Time Lord.
29. CM Punk
Danielle: Mustache CM Punk is a tricky one for me. As a Certified Mustache Enthusiast™, I wholeheartedly believe that most any wrestler can be improved with a sweet ‘stache. While I can’t say I’ve ever been a real fan of CM Punk (hold your boos I’m making a point), I was not against New Nexus CM Punk. Growing a mustache made him go from kind of a dickbag to full-on smarmy douchelord and I was into it. While it may not have been a great look realistically, there was something about the way it suddenly aged him about twenty years and added an instant sheen of greasy asshole that probably betrays more about my personal predilections than I would ever want it to.
Of course, the problem with looking like the biggest douchelord in the WWE is that he really did follow through with behaving like one during a tour of Australia. Welp, it was fun while it lasted, I guess.
28. B. Brian Blair
Brandon: Don’t let The Iron Sheik know we put him on the list.
B. Brian Blair had the ultimate 80s dad mustache, also known as the Chemistry Teacher Walter White. It’s barely even hair, it’s just a rectangle of brownish-red discoloration on the upper lip. The fact that Blair looked like a wrestling Bill Engvall made it even better.
This mustache was the reason the Killer Bees gimmick existed. If you’ve never seen them, Blair and “Jumpin'” Jim Brunzell would escape under the ring when they got in trouble and emerge in a pair of matching masks. The referee wouldn’t be able to tell them apart, so they could cheat and switch places. It was a primitive, non-biological form of Twin Magic. I’ve always been sad that the payoff to this wasn’t the Bees losing the masks, and Blair having to roll under the ring and buzz off the mustache to keep the illusion alive.
27. Eddie Guerrero
Brandon: The Guerrero family is full of good mustaches — Mando in particular — but Eddie Classic makes our list.
It was one of the most utilitarian mustaches of the 90s. When it had to, it made Eddie look like an insincere jerk. Then, with just a change of a facial expression, it could make him look like a well-meaning and kinda-square do-gooder. Also, you know, it was on Eddie Guerrero’s face. If Eddie Guerrero ever put on a glove, we’d include it in our VALENTINE’S DAY IS FOR GLOVERS: THE 30 BEST GLOVES IN WRESTLING HISTORY listicle.
26. Ray Rougeau
Danielle: When Brandon and I were divvying up which mustached fellows we wanted to write about, I knew I had to get legendary Quebecois wrestler Ray Rougeau. I mean, besides (probably) being way more into him as a wrestler, there’s something about Ray Rougeau’s mustache I find oddly comforting. At first I thought it was maybe because it’s such a familiar Canadian stereotype from my childhood, but then I realized that at certain point, everyone has had an aunt or an uncle or a family friend who looks exactly like Rougeau, hair and all. When I look at him, I see virtually any number of dudes I would find if I went through my mom’s first wedding album from the Eighties, or – if we’re being totally candid – her second wedding album from the Nineties because, y’know…Canada. It’s so non-specific, and such a mundane, unspectacular mustache, but I can’t help but feel a warmth from the deepest part of my nostalgic heart whenever I see him.