Welcome to the assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, wherein we read someone’s secondhand retelling of what happened at the Smackdown tapings and jump to a bunch of conclusions about them before watching. On this week’s episode, we build momentum for TLC by having every champion lose. If they aren’t on the show, their top challenger loses. Gotta make sure everyone loses as much as possible. That’s what we tune into pro wrestling to see, you know? The losing.
(Hold on to your butts.)
Here’s What Happens On this Week’s Smackdown:
(Note: the stuff in bold is actual Smackdown spoilers)
1. The Lucha Dragons defeated The New Day. TLC happens this Sunday, so of course the Tag Team Champions would lose a match to one of their challengers. The same challengers who beat them in a match on Monday. Gotta keep … Sin Cara strong, I guess.
– Dean Ambrose and Kevin Owens had a contract signing for their Intercontinental Championship match at TLC. Surprisingly, it ends with Owens cheap-shotting Ambrose and then running away from the actual fighting part. If you weren’t sure you were watching Smackdown, this helped set up a tag team main-event for later in the night.
2. Ryback defeated The Ascension. Welcome to the Wasteland. The Ascension are officially Stansky and Rosenberg, so have fun remembering to disconnect this the next time they show up in NXT as a legendary tag team.
3. Dolph Ziggler defeated Tyler Breeze. Dolph Ziggler is contractually obligated to trade victories with one person for up to three months before switching to a new feud. Eventually, WWE’s mid-card is gonna be the mirror scene from Duck Soup to make sure everyone is exactly as strong and protected and ice cold as everyone else.
– The Wyatt Family cut a promo. I believe this is their first one ever?
4. Becky Lynch defeated Paige. TLC happens this Sunday, so of course the #1 contender to the Divas Championship would tap out to someone who doesn’t have a match. Plus, Paige is the face in the feud now, right? The next Divas story should be, “Becky Lynch is tired of all this bullsh*t and is just going to have good wrestling matches for a while.”
5. Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose defeated Sheamus and Kevin Owens. TLC happens this Sunday, so of course the WWE World Heavyweight Champion and Intercontinental Champion would lose to their respective challengers. Remember on Raw when Reigns opened the show by pinning Sheamus clean, and ended it by spearing him through a table? Here he gets another win, in case we missed that. I’m starting to wonder if WWE isn’t a long con for a cryogenics company, and TLC is the beginning of our 1,000-year nap.
Too severe? SEE YOU THIS SUNDAY!