Welcome to this week’s assumptive WWE Smackdown spoilers report, your weekly dose of choosing not to watch Smackdown and deciding what to think about it anyway. Last week’s Thanksgiving edition got the lowest rating in years, even for a holiday episode, so this week’s report should be POPPIN’.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(reminder: these are actual Smackdown spoilers)
– The show opened with Roman Reigns facing odds: if The Usos and Dean Ambrose can defeat The New Day in a six-man tag team match, they’ll be his tag team partners in the night’s 8-man tag main-event against The League of Nations. If not, Reigns will have to go it alone. If The Usos and Ambrose lose by distraction rollup, Reigns must have both of his legs broken and wear a blindfold while facing 4 opponents alone. If they lose via Sting interference for some reason, The League of Nations each get to stab Reigns with a literal spear.
1. Tyler Breeze defeated Neville. Breeze won with an Unprettier, which I still think should be called the “I’m Prettier.” Dolph Ziggler was at ringside, so you know some shenanigans were afoot. Here’s hoping there’s another edition of The Rosebush to put things in the weirdest possible perspective.
2. Brie Bella defeated Becky Lynch. Brie knocked down Charlotte at ringside, so Charlotte got in the ring and attacked her and got Becky Lynch disqualified. At this point Becky’s exit theme should be the sad Charlie Brown music.
3. The New Day defeated The Usos and Dean Ambrose. OH NO, ROMAN! Woods pinned Jimmy Uso, meaning Reigns will have to face The Damn Numbers Game in the main event.
4. Bray Wyatt defeated D-Von Dudley. After the match, the Wyatts beat up Bubba Dudley and Tommy Dreamer, and put Dreamer through a table. Then Nova and Chris Chetti ran out, and the Wyatts beat them up too. Cue the FBI and Da Baldies. Wait, here comes New Jack! Everything after that first sentence is a joke, but man, how crazy would it be if a 2015 (or 16) edition of Smackdown suddenly involved NEW JACK.
5. Roman Reigns defeated The League of Nations. Take this with a grain of salt, as the spoilers report I read said Reigns won “by count-out.” I’m not even sure how that could happen. Anyway, it’s just an excuse to get to the post-match, with The Usos and Ambrose running out anyway and helping fight off the heels. Hoping one of these days Roman cuts a Christmas promo where he’s like, “I realized the strongest I could look is WITH FRIENDS.”
And that’s the show!