NOTE: Please forgive the extreme tardiness of this week’s installment, which was due to circumstances out of everyone’s control.
Hello, and welcome to weekly Impact Wrestling coverage on With Spandex. And also welcome to me, LaToya Ferguson, your recapper and friend.
Before we start with this (well, last) week’s in-depth look at the kingdom of the owl, I want to address the Alberto El Patron situation. Specifically because this edition of Impact is a key example of just how frustrating it is to see how good Alberto is and can be onscreen, while reconciling that he regularly throws all that goodwill away in his real life. Arguably, the signs were there that Alberto shouldn’t have been made the face of the company because of his past behavior behind-the-scenes. But then you see how good he is here, when he cares in the ring or when he’s giving a fired up babyface promo, and you remember and even realize why Impact made the decision in the first place. He’s just absolutely on fire here — and the crowd absolutely adores him — so I admit I can’t help but feel guilty enjoying his work here. Because really, it’s such enjoyable, genuinely good work, and it’s the exact opposite of pretty much every report about Alberto outside of it all. I know, I know: Welcome to professional wrestling.
Now for some good housekeeping: You can follow me on Twitter here (and see why my recap ended up late), With Spandex here, and Uproxx here. And don’t forget to watch Impact on Pop at 8 pm on Thursdays so you can read these pieces and share them with the online world. Also, just as a general PSA: If you have any pets, please be good to them and give them the love and attention that they deserve. But if you can’t, then please do the right thing in providing them with a family who can. Don’t be perro — love your perro.
Previously: “Fourth of July” season was upon us, and as that is definitively “not a thing,” it wasn’t exactly the best way to follow up Slammiversary.
ACE: You’ll Be Sayin’ “Si, Si, Si, Si, Si” (When It’s Really “No, No, No, No, No”)
Professional wrestling is a performance art with such a vastness that it’s pretty ridiculous when wrestling fans are treated like they have no memories or context of things outside the current story. At the same time, despite that vastness, professional wrestling is something you can basically jump into at any time. For example, you’ll never have to worry about whether or not you need to start at the beginning, for any wrestling promotion. (Except for maybe Lucha Underground, but you know, it’s different.) So Alberto and Konnan having a spat between friends in the middle of an Impact ring? Even when their Impact careers haven’t intersected until this very moment?
There’s a reason you don’t see the crowd “WHAT”-ing their confusion or the commentary trying to hold the audience’s hand about their backstory. Because this story is simply acknowledging their history, mentioning the (somewhat known) issues they’ve faced in the industry, and accepting that the audience will understand. Alberto and Konnan address that they have a lot of stuff from the past informing them, but this is specifically about the present and the future. Amazing, right? Konnan brings up the way WWE held Alberto back (and did the same for Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio) and how Impact tried to keep LAX from being on top — all stuff that specifically has to deal with LAX’s cause — but the story never loses sight on what LAX’s next steps will be.
Sometimes you have to talk some sense into your friends, especially when you know they’re doing something wrong… and that’s exactly what Alberto and Konnan are doing, only they both have very different opinions on what is wrong and what is right. Alberto’s actual babyface behavior outside the ring (in his promos) has been pretty hit or miss, but this promo finally gets it all right. He tries to talk things out rationally with his friend, then he tries to reason with a “bitter” man, and then finally, he firmly tells him no, hoping it will stick in his head. A babyface choosing to be a “loner” because he’s had bad experiences with others (R.I.P. League of Nations) instead of just the idea that babyfaces are jerks who hate friendship is a respectable choice — which is exactly what makes LAX jumping him get them that real heel heat.
Lashley’s run-in is the type of thing that obviously doesn’t make him a good guy or put him and Alberto on good terms; he just wants to get his hands on the jerks who screwed him out of the title and put the beatdown on him. But Impact is also smart to (possibly) course correct in their presentation of Lashley as well: The opening video package documenting what happens last week completely removes Lashley’s more bigoted points in the promo, instead just focusing on the general lack of respect he has for Alberto and his family. Progress.
ACE: Genuine Human Compassion
The video isn’t available, but this was just classy as heck. Simple as that.
EH: I Need You To Do It Faster, Baby
Unlike last week’s first round match, ACH versus Andrew Everett is a total, “Can you both win?” situation in the Super X Cup. But having to choose, winner ACH is clearly the better option. Supposedly, as an Impact Wrestling-contracted wrestler, Everett will be fine outside of the tournament. Unlike ACH, this wasn’t his opportunity to show what he has, but it was definitely a good showing from both men and definitely not an “eh.”
BUT. Hearing Josh Mathews go on about the speed of these guys — and to be absolutely fair, with the exception of one match, the Impact commentary on this week’s show is the best it has been in ages — it slightly takes away from the match because, well, they’re not going that fast. At least, they’re not going as fast as I’m sure most of the audience who’s familiar with their work knows they can. The match feels like they’re going at half-speed, which is still a decent clip for them, but there’s a lot more dead space than expected in their match. Desmond Xavier versus Idris Abraham had the same problem at times too, though that felt more like Xavier slowing down for Abraham to keep up more than anything else. Pacing is good — especially for a tournament — but I’m curious how much this match would really do to sell anyone on ACH if this is their first experience with him. So please, if this is your first look at ACH, let me know your thoughts.
Halfway between ACE and EH: I’ll Allow It, But Watch Yourself, Wrestler
These past couple of weeks of Gail Kim material have kind of been a case of “Expectations vs. Reality.” First she has an announcement about her announcement, in a backstage segment where you’d assume she’d get jumped from behind or interrupted by her next competitor. Specifically, Sienna, since the GFW Women’s Champion has made her disrespect for Gail and her legacy very clear. But then nothing happens. Now she comes out to announce her retirement at the end of the year — with the crowd chanting for her not to go — and no one comes out to rain on her parade. She basically puts the whole division on notice, and nothing happens.
And the fact that the only “interesting” interaction here comes in the form of Chris Adonis walking down the ramp for his segment as she’s exiting is just… It’s weird, isn’t it? At the same time, the fact that she gives a timeframe and makes clear that she’s planning to go out on top pretty much makes her intentions clear; there’s really no need to throw in the expected interference. It’s basically just weird that Impact has adults acting like adults and allowing others to do their business. It’s so un-wrestling-like. It’s definitely the type of thing to keep you on edge.
EH: Swole-Mates Spelled Backwards Is “Sterile”
You know it’s bad when the most homoerotic segment in recent professional wrestling history is somehow not good. And by “good,” I really just mean, “fun in any possible way.” As stupid as any Swole-Mates segment is bound to be, wouldn’t you expect at least the fun kind of stupidity? The kind of stupidity where someone could get bent out of shape about it “killing the business” and then you could just reply with a random pose-off GIF?
The segment doesn’t even have a beginning or an ending. It’s all just out of context middle. As I mentioned, Chris Adonis makes his entrance during Gail Kim’s exit (with her music playing), then he passes by the Swole-Mates, stands in the middle of the ring, and they decide to also be in the middle of the ring. So you’d assume that Eli Drake would come out to talk to some dummies about this… But then he comes out and says nothing, kind of trying to be mediator, but also trying to understand why any of this is happening. Seriously, no one even grabs a mic to try to articulate why this is happening. And Josh Mathews immediately points out how dumb the whole thing is by mentioning how security is M.I.A. for two non-wrestlers jumping — then full-on pushing — the barricade. Referees eventually show up, but they’re literally just stopping a weird pose-off, not a fight. I’m sorry, I still can’t believe this segment exists.
Usually, for completely shallow reasons, I’d say this is the type of segment better on mute, but it’s not. Chris Adonis is a sculpted plank of wood; I’m fairly certain the Swole-Mates are time travelers from Muscle Beach in the ‘80s; Eli Drake doesn’t even try to Zack Morris his way out of this, the perfect time to Zack Morris your way out of anything. Instead, this segment really just tells us where Eli Drake is in his Impact career, as this is 100% the type of segment that Robbie E and Jessie Godderz would have done (and I’m sure did something similar) back in the Bro Mans days. Drake and Adonis don’t even have their own personal DJ. How depressing.
Also, if Pop wanted Impact to put over the Swole-Mates, they should’ve made sure to say, “Josh can’t talk about hanging out with or liking them.” If their lack of personalities didn’t make them wastes of screentime, Josh’s Swole-Mates approval immediately would have.
EH: You Tried
It’s great that Impact likes to try new things, throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks. The problem with that type of thinking, however, is that there are bound to be things that just don’t stick. The Swole-Mates thing is just on the list of bad network synergy/PR tactics and really doesn’t factor too much into the actual ecosystem of Impact Wrestling. The debut of Octagoncito, however, is definitely an Impact dud.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting something for everyone, and having minis who can actually wrestle on Impact is not something to complain about. But the entire presentation, from the moment Josh introduces this match as part of the “spectacle” of Impact Wrestling, makes it clear the company didn’t think this particular idea all the way through. For starters, the fact that Octagoncito debuts against fellow mini-wrestler, Demus, begs the question: Is Impact starting a mini-division? The answer is presumably no, as this match (when the commentary team is even talking about it) is all about Octagoncito and the fact that this is his debut. Not Octagoncito and Demus’ debut — Octagoncito’s debut. So if this is his debut on the roster, then why wasn’t he facing off against another member of the Impact roster? Caleb Konley’s the go-to choice these days, so I’m sure that match would be possible. If Impact wants to show how impressive Octagoncito is, they’d have him go against the type of talent he’s going to face on a regular basis. At least, you would think.
They’d also probably want to have commentary focus on the match, instead of using it as the match to hype up the main event.
ACE: Cross The Line
“I never saw myself as just an X-Division wrestler or a light heavyweight.”
Obviously Matt Sydal is one of those wrestlers who’s in a whole other class, but hopefully Impact allows for there to be less of a line between the X-Division and the other divisions, moving forward. Considering that “It’s Not About Weight Limits, It’s About No Limits” is the definitive X-Division motto (even if it stopped being practiced), anything Impact can do to remind the audience that the X-Division isn’t just company’s Cruiserweight Division is much appreciated. Eddie Edwards’ title reign could have done that, but that … did not happen.
ACE: Boo This Man
Remember when I said the commentary for this show was good, barring the Octagoncito debut? It’s so good that Josh Mathews even addresses the point I’ve been bringing up since the removal of the nameless judges, re: “the personal feelings of the judges.” Impact has yet to pull the trigger on that glaring point yet, but it’s better to acknowledge it than to pretend that any of the judges are impartial anymore.
Marufuji versus Moose is a genuinely good Grand Championship match. In fact, the only time I felt frustrated with the match is when I realize there was no possible way it could go any longer than the match’s concept would allow. I honestly did not want it to end. So it’s the perfect way to get real heel heat on EC3 when he interferes and ruins the whole thing. This is in addition to EC3’s guest commentary where he, of all people, doesn’t say a single word. We had to get through chaps and quartet reduxes, but EC3 really is back on the right track. His interference also keeps Marufuji looking strong, as he didn’t lose and actually looked to be on his way to being crowned new champ. So far, Impact is two for two in terms of letting Marufuji look good in “defeat.”
ACE: Delusions Of Grandeur
Trevor Lee is broken (but not Broken), and he’s convinced himself that he’s X-Division Champion. A fighting champion, at that, which is why he finds himself with a man who most likely hopes to become Impact’s new Norv Fernum and Dewey Barnes (the original James Ellsworth, thank you very much), William Weeks. One of Impact’s constant strengths these past few years — even during other lows — has been its ability to have wrestlers feud with more than one person at once and never really have the end of a feud mean the end of a relationship.
So right now, we don’t have Low-Ki coming for Sonjay Dutt, but there’s no doubt he’ll want revenge for Slammiversary. At the same time, this new X-Division Championship feud (along with Matt Sydal’s intentions outside the division) eases fears that a talent like Trevor Lee was just going to fall by the wayside, despite being X-Division Champion before Impact’s real life version of the Superstar Shake-Up. Delusional Trevor Lee versus “that no good Sonjay Dutt” is only a baby feud so far, but it’s already an interesting one.
Points deducted for Impact officials restraining Dutt and taking him out of the Impact Zone for just trying to get his championship back. I’d say that it seemed pretty excessive, but this is still the same show where referees stepped in to stop an unauthorized pose-off.
ACE: Gérard Depar-DON’T
It took a while for the Jeremy Borash/Josh Mathews feud to remind us, but it eventually did: Every single thing Joseph Park touches turns to gold. This was true during his initial run (though I recall plenty of naysayers hating it at the time, like the fools who hated King Booker), and it’s turning out to be true here. Now he’s working his magic with Grado and remaking the 1990 movie Green Card, I guess. Only it’s a wrestling marriage of convenience, so it’s even more slapstick and 100% less Andie MacDowell.
Which reminds me — Andie MacDowell should play Dixie Carter in the eventual Impact biopic Dixie Carter eventually decides to make.
Joseph Park’s explanation of the reasoning behind the whole “marry a Knockout” idea is, “All the boys are doing it!” Davey — and now he’s a psycho who can’t stop shouting “Lone Wolf.” Eddie — though Alisha actually became a Knockout as a result of the marriage. Braxton — who actually skipped the marrying the Knockout part and decided to date a different one. Which leads us to:
Ava Storie goes full Kelly Kapowski for a moment, saying she has to wash her hair. (At least someone on this show goes full Saved By The Bell.) Amber Nova makes her onscreen Impact return to reject Grado as well, even though it’s already been proven (by her saying so) she would win more matches if she had a boyfriend at ringside. Rebel may have come from the carny life, but even she wants no part of this circus. Even McKenzie Mitchell, who regularly has to deal with the creeps and crazies of Impact Wrestling—by the way, Dick Justice is still squatting—thinks this is too much and rejects Grado. Sienna doesn’t even have to use words because classiness transcends. And because Sienna’s scary. This segment also keeps the newly-formed Braxton Sutter/Allie story going, just by having Allie struggle to let “Mr. Grado” down gently and the controlling B.S. Man get tweaked about Grado, of all people, asking his girl out.
Seriously. If you think Grado is going to steal your girl, you’re obviously a bad guy. See: Kongo Kong.
The only one left to possibly consider is Laurel Van Ness, as she’s too unaware to know what’s going on to say… Oh boy, this is actually pretty skeevy in the way only professional wrestling can be. But everything else? Comedy gold.
ACE: Teamwork Makes The Dream Work
What an absolutely fun main event. I feel just terrible about it.
LAX versus Alberto El Patron and Lashley is the type of tag match you tend to dread. Two singles stars, proving they’re better than an actual tag team — better than the actual champs — and essentially “burying” the tag division in the process. The thing is, Konnan makes it clear early on that the match itself doesn’t matter as much as the beatdown. LAX loses this match, but they still come out on top, and they do so with the crowd having quite the good reason to boo them. We know LAX can and does win, but come on — they also tend to win by cheating, with the damn numbers game, and arguably should be dominated by Impact’s two biggest and most pissed-off dominators.
Plus, the story that Impact is telling is very much about the fact that Lashley and Alberto make a surprisingly great tag team. Like, the type of team that could legitimately be in the tag team division and dominate. They even have tandem offense! It’s basically the opposite of the Lashley/EC3 tag from a few weeks ago, in terms of the way they gel and get the crowd on their side. The commentary refers to them as Batman and Superman, and it’s a fair comparison. Despite outside circumstances, it has become clear just how much Impact wants (or wanted) to sell Alberto as their Superman babyface — he’s beloved — and Lashley’s at a point where the only way the crowd will boo him is to actually remind them that he’s a bad guy.
ACE: Whose Side Is He On?
Which is what we get in the aftermath, with the adrenaline pumping, and Alberto basically setting up a buddy movie between the two of them. You might think buddy cop comedy, but I’m seeing more of a The Fast & The Furious, Dom/Brian sort of relationship. You might also think they might have a shot at tag gold, since they just pinned the champs.
Never mind any of that, because Lashley throws away all of his good, team-player will by letting LAX get the jump on Alberto again and not doing anything about it this time. Technically, he has no reason to help. 1. He never said he was a role model. 2. He got the revenge beating on LAX that he wanted, and Alberto, respect or not, is still his competition for the prize he wants. Plus, Lashley already helped him once — Alberto should’ve avoided getting his ass beat a second time.
It’s on all of us, really. We should have known Lashley was a bad guy when he stole Ortiz’s bandana.
