Here is this week’s Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Reort, the only way for you to find out what happened on Friday’s WWE Smackdown without watching it. This is exclusive, folks. Nobody will write about it before, during or after.
Spoiler report spoiler: WWE hasn’t done a single damn thing differently in three weeks, so if you watched last week’s episode, remember it vaguely and BOOM, it’s this week’s.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(These are real Smackdown spoilers.)
– The show started off with an angry promo from Dean Ambrose, who is upset that The Authority figured out they could locate him backstage during one of this nose-in-the-camera promos and beat him to death. This time he’s in the ring, where a bunch of far away cameras and several thousand people can warn him about sneak attacks.
– Alberto Del Rio defeated Kofi Kingston. All the report I read said was “Alberto Del Rio defeated Kofi Kingston,” so I’m gonna assume the worst. I hope he didn’t lock on the cross armbreaker and hold it on too long after the bell! That hasn’t happened to Kofi the last 600 times he wrestled Del Rio! You’ve gotta love these last minute no, he’s a serious contender pushes where Intercontinental Championship battle royal guys who’ve lost for six months finally start picking up victories. I don’t believe you’re gonna win, ADR. I don’t believe Miz is gonna win either.
– Alicia Fox vs. Eva Marie with Nikki Bella as special referee was a No Contest. The match ends when both competitors attack the ref. This is the exact same thing that happened last week.
– Chris Jericho defeated Luke Harper by disqualification. If you want a really tired match finish I don’t complain about enough, it’s the “gotta protect the Wyatt Family by making them total cowards” disqualification ending. The Wyatts, a team that ostensibly does not care about wins and losses, cares SO MUCH ABOUT WINS AND LOSSES when they’re about to lose. Jericho has Harper in the Walls of Jericho, so the other guys interfere and draw a DQ. You’ve seen this so many times by now. Maybe Harper was gonna reverse the Walls or get out of it, you know? Maybe Sheamus wasn’t gonna hit that Brogue Kick.
The Usos made the save for Jericho after the match, so the chances of a Jericho and the Usos vs. the Wyatt Family six man tag as “Battleground fallout” on Raw next week is pretty high.
– Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter like America. Rusev and Lana don’t. Zeb hit a springboard dragonrana to the outside onto Lana to end the segment. Sigh, I’m lying.
– Dolph Ziggler and Sheamus defeated Fandango and The Miz. Fandango was distracted by his entrance theme during his entrance, so he rolled back onto his shoulders and folded his legs over in an attempt to be pinned by no one. I hope the Sheamus and Ziggler team was called “Bad Laoch.”
– PayJay defeated Summer Lay. Not their official names. AJ made Summer tap out. After the match, Paige gave AJ some Cal Teen bars and promised AJ they’d help her lose weight. Later in the episode, AJ made Paige tap out to the Burn Book.
– Dean Ambrose vs. Kane happened. I don’t know the official result, but it was another one of those matches that don’t have an ending, so they just send out all the relevant pay-per-view parties and have them punch around. WWE must be getting booking advice from Saturday Night Live. “Don’t know how to end a sketch? Have The Authority show up and beat somebody up!” After the cameras stopped rolling, John Cena ran down to the ring, lifted it up by the middle of the ring apron and flipped it over.
And that’s your show.
This Sunday is Battleground, so we’re (desperately, desperately) hoping that Brock shows up and shakes up the status quo. WWE often forces itself to be exciting around SummerSlam, then goes into another lull between that and TLC. Okay, the Royal Rumble. I’d make a joke here about ruining Smackdown for your friends by sharing the column, but Lord, if they’ve watched wrestling in the last month they’re already spoiled.