Welcome to this week’s edition of the Assumptive WWE Smackdown Spoilers Report, the only place on the Internet to find out what happened at the wrestling show before it airs on television. This is some exclusive reporting here, folks, followed by some also-exclusive jumping to conclusions. Reading this will save you two hours of a Friday night you might’ve spent watching Smackdown.
Or, you know, watch it anyway and see how accurate the snark is. I’m sure there’s a system.
What Happens On This Week’s Smackdown:
(Note: These are legit Smackdown spoilers.)
– Rusev and Roman Reigns don’t like each other because they were the last two people in a battle royal once, and because American Samoa is weak and pathetic compared to the great and powerful Russian Samoa.
1. Divas Champion AJ Lee defeated Naomi. Naomi and Cameron got into it on Raw this week. Guess what happens on Smackdown? I’ll give you three guesses, and the first two are “Cameron distracts Naomi and causes her to lose.” The third guess is “Roman Reigns shows back up and starts spearing Funkadactyls,” and while that would be pretty funny, no, it’s the first two.
Note: According to our comments section, AJ wrestled Cameron instead of Naomi. Switch the names, and add “why the f*ck is AJ wrestling Cameron again?”
– Randy Orton said words into a microphone.
2. Adam Rose defeated Fandango. Fandango is in a love triangle with Layla and Summer Rae, and they keep ruining each others’ matches. Guess what happens on Smackdown? I’ll give you 10 guesses, and 14 of them are “Summer Rae distracts Fandango and causes him to lose.” Apparently they tried to start dueling soccer chants with the Fandango and Adam Rose entrance themes, not remembering that (a) people haven’t Fandango’d in like a year and a half, and (b) this isn’t NXT, which is the only place that would ever work.
3. WWE Tag Team Champions The Uso Brothers defeated Heath Slater and Titus O’Neil. Titus is now members 2 and 3 in 3MB, I guess. I’m gonna guess that the Usos almost lost this match because the only people they’ve wrestled for three months is the Wyatt Family and they haven’t had time to do homework for anybody else. GOOD NEWS, USOS: you’re wrestling The Wyatt Family at Battleground. WHEW!
– The WWE 2K15 game will feature John Cena, in case you were worried about that.
4. Randy Orton defeated Chris Jericho. We’ve had two distraction finishes on this Smackdown already. HERE’S A THIRD. Jericho gets distracted by the Wyatt Family’s music and is RKO’d for the pin. After the match, Summer Rae and Cameron run out distract Jericho several more times. This should’ve led to another Orton roll-up or whatever, but you should never leave Orton unattended when Divas are busy.
5. Layla vs. Summer Rae was a No Contest. Both women were distracted by Fandango, rolled each other up simultaneously and then DISAPPEARED INTO THIN AIR.
6. Goldust defeated Ryback. You’re never gonna level up if you keep grinding against the same low level enemies, guys.
Note: Also according to our comments, Goldust wrestled Axel instead of Ryback. Kinda like saying you wore a fuschia shirt and not a pink one.
7. Bo Dallas defeated Diego and El Torito in a Handicap Match. I hope the finish is Bo double headlocking them and finishing them off with a Bo-dog where he’s got one foot on the top rope and one on the middle, so he spins around all sideways and just breaks everybody’s necks.
8. Roman Reigns defeated Rusev (by disqualification). Randy Orton, Summer Rae, Cameron and the Wyatt Family’s music interfered, drawing a DQ. Man, I thought the Rusev/Reigns match announced for a throwaway Smackdown in the middle of a pay-per-view cycle was gonna have a clean, decisive ending.
And that’s our show!
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