The Best And Worst Of Smackdown 5/16/14: Balls Balls Balls Balls Balls

05.17.14 3 years ago 22 Comments


Never give up on washing your balls balls balls balls balls.

Pre-show Notes:

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Worst: Don’t Be So Selfish With Your Radioactive Super Blood, Cena

Before properly launching into his show-opening promo, John Cena felt he needed to leach some crowd sympathy from Daniel Bryan as he lies in his hospital bed. Come on Cena, save your well wishes and just give Bryan some of your Wolverine blood. It doesn’t even have to be a full transfusion! Just give him a 5-Hour Energy bottle full and he’ll be recovered from this broken neck bother within the week.

With that pandering done, it was on to The Wyatts, with Cena calling Bray out for speaking with charisma and passion without really saying anything. Hey, stop stealing my material Johnny. Thankfully I didn’t have to feel uncomfortable about being on the same page as John Cena for too long, because then it was time for ball talk! Feud with John Cena long enough and he will make your testicles a subject of conversation and boy did he on Smackdown, listing off gonad synonyms for so long even the 10-year-old boys in the audience were starting to get exhausted.

Bray Wyatt lacks those all-important balls, ya see. Of course that’s totally at odds with Bray’s characterization thus far — Bray’s a dangerous brawler who’s gladly stepped into the ring with John Cena on multiple occasions. He usually hangs back and sends in Rowan and Harper because, well, what’s the point of having followers if you can’t make them do your dirty work for you? But nope, Cena insists Bray choose one of the Wyatts to face him tonight, then tries to shame Bray into picking himself, saying any other choice would be evidence of cowardice. Well, no, it would be evidence of intelligence, but I guess that’s more or less the same thing as cowardice in John Cena’s world.

Bray Wyatt responded to John Cena’s challenge by singing a song, because this feud has been two guys reading from different scripts from day one, so why change things now?

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Best: Turning As a Team

On Raw Cody beat Damien Sandow with an eye-rake and Goldust acted kind of put out, which made people fear we were in for a story in which Goldust, whose most beloved move is an elaborate low-blow, castigates Cody for rule breaking. Thankfully on Smackdown the Rhodeses wrestled the Usos and both Cody and Goldust were happily working heel.

Have The Shield started a new trend? Traditionally only one member of a tag team was allowed to turn, and then they had feud with their partner until one was clearly designated the Michaels and one the Jannetty. I mean, it makes sense that guys who wrestle together every night in matching costumes might also change allegiances together, right?

I really do hope Cody and Goldust are turning heel together, because nobody wants to see them fight, and they’re both better as bad guys. Heel Cody can focus more on his physical, brawling side, which is much better than his half-formed high flying side, and while nobody’s actually going to boo Goldust, working heel allows him incorporate all sorts of amusing little veteran tricks. This match was definitely the most lively the Rhodes boys have looked in some time…annd then they lost, which means they’re probably still breaking up, but oh well. For tonight a united bad guy Rhodes Bros. was a thing, and it was fun.

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