Move the hell over J-Law, there’s a new American sweetheart in town, and it’s this oddly wet squinty guy.
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Best: Passing The Shitty Commentary Torch
Tom Phillips joined Cole and JBL for a three-man commentary crew this week, and the strong implication was that Phillips will be replacing Cole on the show sooner rather than later. Phillips’ only major distinguishing feature may be that he’s not Byron Saxton, but he’s still a big step up from Cole, and he seemed to have good rapport with JBL (or at least as good a rapport as it’s possible to have with JBL) so, shockingly, the commentary situation on Smackdown may actually be looking up.
Worst: Randy Orton Saying Words
Hey Randy, what’s up? Just going to methodically list off all your catch phrases and nicknames for a few minutes? Cool, while you do that I’ll be over here doing, uh, important things and stuff.
Oh, and by the way, you may want to stop showing that footage of you putting Roman through a table on Raw on every friggin’ show. He was back and fit as a fiddle by Smackdown. If that’s The Viper at his worst, you need to top up your venom.
Best: Get Well, Then Move to a Different Country
Seth Rollins vs. Jack Swagger was a bit of a style mismatch, but it turned into a solid match by the end. Swagger continues to bring the fun, outta-nowhere ankle locks and Rollins curb-stomping Swagger as he was getting back in the ring, then taking the count-out was one of the rare times a count-out finish didn’t feel like a rip-off.
I mean, in theory count-outs should be considered just as conclusive a finish as a pin, since you basically have to keep your opponent down for a 10-count to get one. If WWE didn’t always treat count-out like shameful non-wins, they’d have an extra arrow in their quiver when it came to booking finishes.
Best: In True Patriotic Fashion…
I’m reserving my full praise until I see where this goes, but it looks like Bo Dallas is doing what his brother Bray should’ve done all along and recruiting followers, which has got me pretty excited. I’m going to need a word better than “Best” if Bo Dallas and Jack Swagger become a full time, inspirational, AMERICAN tandem.
Best: Make It In Season
From Bo Dallas to my other dorky mid-card jam. I’m frankly shocked by the legs Hollywood Miz Mizanin has had. I was sure I’d be tired of this act by week two, but nope, here he is, still ordering lattes and generally being a fantastic douche. Can you imagine what WWE might look like today if Miz had this character back when WWE was actually interested in doing things with him?
One point of confusion though — what’s with the Kane/Miz pseudo-feud? Last week Kane was snarking all over Miz then booked him against Roman Reigns, and he did it again tonight. I mean, you can’t tell me Kane doesn’t like Miz’s Hollywood attitude when Kane been in as many movies as Miz has, and this picture is a thing that exists…
Worst: Russian-Mexican Relations
So, what exactly is the international relationship between Russia and Mexico? No, seriously, I’m curious and — oh, wait, the match is already over.
Well, got some space to fill, so what’s with Sin Cara’s super-high grandpa pants? Did he get a massive Brie Bella crotch tattoo that he’s covering up? Uh, by which I mean a crotch tattoo like Brie Bella’s, not of Brie Bella — although it being of Brie would explain why he’s so concerned about covering it up.
Best: Guess What Happens Now…
For a while it seemed smiling nice guy Mark Henry would be the status quo for the rest of his career, but the man is in full Hall of Pain form again. Dude gets me more hyped with a five-second promo, a walk to the ring and a bit of smack talk than John Cena does with a month’s worth of lengthy diatribes and prop-assisted brawls.
Worst: Chill The Hell Out
Hey Rob, you know what’s a good way to chill the hell out?