Pre-show notes:
– Another huge thanks to Dennis Haskins, Action Bronson, Derrick Bateman and the over 6,000 comments that made our Raw 1000 Open Discussion Thread the most populated and commented-upon UPROXX thread ever. If you want to spend the next two hours laughing, go skim through that. I could’ve included 200 top comments.
– Before you read the Raw 1000 report, be sure you’ve read The Best And Worst Of WWF Monday Night Raw, Episode 1. The Executioners show up in it, and they’re pretty great.
– Thanks as always to Casey of Hammerlock Dialectic for gifs.
– Follow us on Twitter @withleather, follow me personally @MrBrandonStroud and like us on Facebook.
And now, the Best and Worst Of Raw 1000 (July 23, 2012), lovingly presented by Tout.com.
Worst: I Do Not Like Any Incarnation Of Your Dumb Group, Triple H
Okay, I admit it, I lied. I watched the first 22 minutes of Raw when I said in last week’s column that I wouldn’t. I gave into the hype, and Mr. Belding was here getting all excited for the show and I couldn’t help myself.
At the risk of starting off the big Raw 1000 column with eight paragraphs of negativity, here is a quick list of things I liked from last night’s D-X reuniting segment:
1. It was sincere. They looked and sounded like they were having fun in the ring, and whether you like a guy or not, someone sincerely having fun is infectious. I’m especially happy for X-Pac, whose previous decade highlights included getting brainbustered onto a turnbuckle pad by El Generico and beating the shit out of his girlfriends.
2. Shawn Michaels’ “didn’t there used to be MORE of us?” suggested a complete D-X reunion, but we were gracefully spared Porno Chyna. Oh, and Hornswoggle. I would’ve liked to have seen them drag out Rick Rude’s casket and do a bunch of crotch chops on it, though. That was be the most Attitudinal thing ever.
3. It was a brief reprieve from Super Serious Triple H, who is the coolest and toughest and strongest person alive and also the boss of you, and also his hair smells nice.
What I didn’t like about the segment could fill the rest of the report. I get it, you guys. A lot of you spent your wrestling childhoods watching WWF’s Attitude Era and love nostalgia, but I have two big hang-ups: I didn’t grow up watching the Attitude Era, and I’ve got a strong memory so you’ve got to get SUPER OBSCURE for me to feel any kind of real nostalgia twang. If you ask me if I remember Ninja Turtles, OF COURSE I REMEMBER THE F**KING NINJA TURTLES, I loved the Ninja Turtles for like four years. Why would I forget them? I don’t care if there’s a Ninja Turtles movie. But if you’re like, I don’t know, “Hey, remember Grimm’s Fairy Tale Classics on Nickelodeon? It was like an anime show, and they did a gritty-ass Snow White episode” I go GASPPPPP and spend the rest of the week trying to find it online.
And frankly, f**k D-X. They were never “cool”. I don’t like watching wrestling and being constantly reminded that I’m watching wrestling. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler get I’M ALL ABOUT THAT Finn The Human eyes and reminisce about the time D-X invaded WCW or the time they spraypainted WWE Headquarters with a big stick-on decal, but they never mention Little Peoples’ Court or the time they put a rooster on a t-shirt because rooster meant “cock” and sold it to children, or the times they ate bananas on Raw because bananas look like cocks, or the time Triple H accidentally shot Chyna with a fire bazooka or when Shawn and H made out or how for like six years D-Generation X’s entire schtick, they’re ENTIRE PURPOSE AS A PRO WRESTLING STABLE was to point at their own dicks. Can you imagine someone approaching Vince with an idea like that today? What happens if Michael McGillicutty walks into Vince’s office and says “hey boss, I’ve got a great idea for a character, I’m gonna point at my dick all day and little kids will love it”?
Shawn Michaels was a great pro wrestler, and that carried early D-X to whatever relevancy they deserved. After he left, they replaced him with 3 guys whose combined moveset was “dance hit people with my balls or asshole” and they were terrible no matter how happily you remember them. I loved Erik Watts when I was 12, but eventually I grew the f**k up and admitted that Benoit was better and should really be kicking Erik Watt’s ass in.
Best: A Martyr For Sophistication
I was doing dishes when Sandow’s music hit, and I went “F**K YES!” and ran into the living room. This is one of two moments on the show when I yelled “f**k” and “yes” out-loud. Guess the other one!
I didn’t even mind him getting dispatched like a jobber by a gaggle of balding 40-somethings in camo pants and novelty helmets, at least he got to say “what are you, a bunch of dumb idiot babies” to their faces. The best thing the WWE Universe can do now is form a “you know what, Sandow’s right, we should probably have higher standards and read more” and REALLY turn him into a martyr. Additionally, monkeys should fly out of my butt.
It was pretty disappointing that Lesnar didn’t magically show up, handcuff everybody to the ring ropes and Murder Death Kill D-X in front of a sobbing Triple H like most people were predicting. What is Shawn Michaels’ purpose on Raw if it isn’t to get super concerned and die? D-Generation X reunites, and the only reason why is because we like them. Shaking my head so hard right now.
Best/Worst: Darkest Timeline Jim Ross
Good, old Jim Ross gets a Best for being Jim Ross and showing up at the announce table, then immediately gets a worst for bailing after the first match. I guess he knew he wasn’t gonna get to talk about wrestling for another hour and 15 minutes and said some Okie variation of “nuts to this”.
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Thanks, Dot Biz!
Worst: You Have Three Hours And You’re Still Doing 5 Minute Six-Man Tags? Really?
If you’re like me, you heard Sin Cara’s music start up with Rey Mysterio in the ring and thought, “wow, really? Okay, cool!” and paid attention with excitement for the 2-to-40 seconds it took your brain to realize they were probably tagging against somebody, and the additional 2-to-40 seconds it took to realize this was one of those multi-man tag things where two guys stay in the ring for four minutes, everybody hits a signature move on someone and then Sheamus wins. Sheamus doesn’t even have to be in the match.
The match itself was fine, aside from a little sloppiness and the absolute terror of social media during Sin Cara matches. Are you aware that Sin Cara botches wrestling moves from time to time?
The highlight for me was Dolph Ziggler’s glorious Raw 1000 ass roll attempt to spear Rey Mysterio off the apron to keep him from Jump Sitting to the outside, then having them run at each other like Ninja Gaiden before Rey flies off in one direction and Ziggler keeps spearing down the ropes. It was a great little moment to make wrestling seem real, even if the reality is a guy in a mask jumping off a short platform to assail a man with his crotch.
Special note: This match was 5 minutes long and was the only 5 minutes of wrestling in the first hour and a half of Raw. A wedding, the interruption of that wedding and the post-wedding bitching about the wedding were all longer than this match.
Worst: Charlie Sheen Is The Perfect Ambassador For Pro Wrestling
Charlie Sheen was an actor who made some popular films in the 80s, established a gimmick, tried to wash away his successes with booze and drugs and hookers until stumbling into a weird, mailed-in parody of himself and eventually turning into an amped-up exaggeration of Original 80s Charlie Sheen because he’s too mentally disabled and desperate for a pop to say no. Sound familiar? Do I need to get Mickey Rourke to act it out for you?
How funny is it that Charlie went from their official CELEBRITY TWITTER AMBASSADOR or whatever to “guy reading wrestling press releases on Skype”? They don’t even tell you a wrestler’s Skype name in their hype graphics! They should’ve just told him to type “wrestling” into Wikipedia and read what he sees.
Jerry: “CHARLIE! WHAT’D YOU THINK OF THAT LAST MATCH”
Charlie: /browses
Jerry: “I LOVE IT!”
Charlie: “me too, uhhh my favorite moment definitely was when … Hulk Hogan did … armbar”
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Thanks, M4G3RK!
Best: The “Everyone Here Is Crazy” Sketch
I’ve always enjoyed the underlying idea that everyone involved in wrestling (as character, I mean) are bonkers, and Vince is just some grand asylum operator who brings in patients, lets them act out these elaborate fantasies and disputes, and charges the perverse or the too-stupid-to-know-better to watch it.
Think about it. Classic NWA was a hotbed of insanity. You had Magnum T.A. pretending he was a Tom Selleck character, Dusty Rhodes believing he could touch people through a television screen, a guy from Minnesota running around with a chain pretending he was Russian … hell, it even makes sense when you imagine Ric Flair as a Johnny Knoxville in The Ringer type who’s just taking advantage of the disable because it’s an easy racket. That’d explain why he held the title for so long, and why the referees always seemed to be on his side.
AJ explaining WWE’s relative insanity to Layla (who once was involved indirectly in a romance storyline with a guy named “Balls” and should know better) was funny, even if I would’ve liked to have seen less of the people who are always there (Duggan, Piper) and maybe have her open the door to find WARRIOR standing there yelling about Hoe Kogan and crashing airplanes. Open up the door to find Silent Rage sitting criss-cross applesauce in the hallway snorting meth. Something different.
Oh, well, we DID get this:
Worst: I Am Not Accepting Your Mae Young Hand Payoff
You’d think I would’ve went nuts for this, but nope, not having it. Sometimes what you say would be “hilarious if they did it” is only hilarious because they would never do it. Three big reasons why I’m not happy with this:
1. “Hi, I’m Mae Young’s son, all grown up!” As weird as it is that he’d identify himself to his mom’s work acquaintances as “Mae Young’s son” when she’s standing right there, how the hell is he “all grown up”? She gave birth to the bloody rubber hand in 2000. Couldn’t they have put a 12 year old in that costume? Not only would it have been funnier, it wouldn’t have made me think about the weird Cable-esque time traveling shit going on with Mae Young’s Hand Son.
I’m also sad that he identified himself as “Mae Young’s son”, and now we’ll never know the hand’s name. I always hoped it’d be D’Lo.
2. There is no way that that whitebread motherf**ker in the glasses is Mark Henry’s son. Unless Mae was stepping out on the World’s Strongest Man, Mark Henry is f**king black as night and could not have helped biologically create one of the goddamn Barenaked Ladies. I would buy him impregnating her with a severed hand before I’d buy his sperm being responsible for half of THAT guy.
3. Correct me if I’m wrong, but hands don’t “grow up” to monster size, do they? Yes, I am more worried about the hand being too big than I am about it having a face at the base of its middle finger. Shut up.
Worst: It Takes Brodus Clay Longer To Intro Naomi And Cameron Than It Does For Him To Pin Jack Swagger
I’m seriously tired of Brodus huffing his way through the Funkadactyls introduction. First of all, they don’t need introductions, they’re dancing fat guy accessories. Second of all, “PUT! YOUR! HANDS! TOGETHER FOR! NAY, OMI! AND! CAMERON! THE! FUNK! UH! DACK, TULLLLLS!” just narrowly beats the rushed/studious “in captivity” as the worst part of that intro. Funk being on a roll is enough to pop the crowd, they don’t need a three-stage preparation.
Also, I don’t really give a dog’s ass about Jack Swagger losing anymore, but man, how sad was I when Brodus asked me to PUT MY HANDS TOGETHER FOR and it was Dude Love instead of Ernest Miller? We live in a WWE Universe where the disembodied hand gestating inside Mae Young’s womb gets eyeglasses and has Jack disease, we can connect the dots and bring in The Cat for a one-shot where he claims the rights to the music, watches Lemont get dumped and gets splashed for a 10-second loss. At least Ernest Miller wouldn’t have to BE here next week.
Sorry, Jack.
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Thanks, Kevin. That was probably my favorite moment, too.
Best: Slick Is Awesome
MARRIAGE!
MARRIAGE!
MARRIAGE!!!
Slick is a great nostalgia pop, especially because him being the reverend at Daniel Bryan’s wedding means he gets to do more than walk to the ring and awkwardly dance a little while Iron Sheik tries to find an opening to shout PUSSY or SON OF A BITCH FAG into the microphone on live television. D-Bry should’ve beaten him up, only for Kamala to show up out of nowhere and destroy him. Or hell, if Vince is in the business of ruining everything good he stumbles into, why not pair them up and have Bryan find out he’s actually a black guy.
The best part of Slick’s cameo is ABSOLUTELY this moment, when AJ gets announced as the new Raw GM and it cuts to her, and in the background you can see Slick checking the f**k out.
Worst: The Missed Opportunity Of A Daniel Bryan/AJ Wedding
So the Bryan/AJ wedding could’ve went in a hundred different ways, with Kane showing up to set Slick on fire or Dean Ambrose showing up to be the Joker to AJ’s Harley Quinn, or Bryan having AJ committed for being crazy (which is what I thought those Disorderlies looking dudes before the commercial break were doing … maybe that’ll be important next week). The reveal that Vince had offered to make AJ the General Manager of Raw and her not being able to do it if she was married (or whatever) was super, super weak and seemed like Vince just wandered out during the segment and started doing improv.
Seriously, AJ’s “I said yes to another man” thing was the jump off, and maybe Vince and Doink the Clown and Genichiro Tenryu or whoever were backstage doing paper rock scissors to see who’d go out and continue the sketch. The whole thing was very “yes and”. If Vince wants Raw to be “exciting”, why doesn’t he just put a f**king housecat in charge of it? The cat would roll around and shit everywhere, but at least it wouldn’t end up in intergender tag team matches. Remember when Vince got stripped of his day-to-day duties? Remember when Vince put John Laurinaitis in charge for being an obedient, boss pleasing stooge, then came back a few months later and got pissed because Laurinaitis was an obedient, boss pleasing stooge? Did Vince have the frontal lobe of his brain removed? Is this a Regarding Henry situation? Are Raw’s new transitional graphics going to be spinning Ritz crackers?
I really hated all of this, and it didn’t get any better.
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Thanks, Alex*. The worst part was trying to flush.
Worst: How Many Of You Watched This And Knew It Was Going To Piss Me Right Off
I thought for sure Rock was going to interact with Daniel Bryan by going limp-wristed and using his My Name’s Billy voice to run vegans through the mud, but I forgot that this isn’t 2001 Rock, it’s 2012 Rock, and all 2012 Rock does is think of a thing he remembers and call you it. John Cena’s a white guy in jean shorts who wins a lot. KUNG PAO BITCH~! Daniel Bryan’s a little indy wrestling guy who says Yes a lot. LORD OF THE RINGS TROLL~! OOMPA LOOMPAS~! People laugh because those are funny sounding words! Who gives a shit if Lord Of The Rings doesn’t really have the trolls he’s thinking of or that Daniel Bryan looks nothing like Tazz.
But yeah, this is basically Rock’s only appearance until January, so I can’t get too up in arms about it. He’s the same shouting, obnoxious asshole that bothered me for two months in the Spring, and when he shows up to promote G.I. Joe 2: RECOMPENSE or whatever I’ll put more effort into getting bent out of shape over the inane bullshit he spews and the deformed, Mae Young’s Hand Baby fanbase who can’t move past it.
My only hope is that interacting with the Rock on Raw is WWE’s idea of making Daniel Bryan more important, just like Eugene, Goldust and The Hurricane.
Best: How Much I Hated CM Punk Here
As I was watching the show, my most bile-spittling rant was going to be about how VOICE OF THE VOICELESS CM Punk was finally face-to-face with DWAYNE and couldn’t come with anything more Pipebomby to say than “but I’M the WWE Champion!” That’s all he did. Rock’s all GET INTO THE RING WITH ME, THIS TIME I’M GONNA GO FULL FORCE and Punk just Halpert Faces everywhere and it’s F**KING INFURIATING. YOU ARE THE ONE GUY I KNOW CAN VERBALLY EVISCERATE THIS CLOWN FROM THE SHOES UP AND YOU’RE DOING A SMILING JOHN CENA PROMO AT HIM? ARGH AND THROWING THINGS
He even just stood there and let Rock dicksmirk his way through an interaction with Bryan and Rock Bottom him, pretty blatantly wedging himself between Good Wrestling and What Actually Happens. He just stood there. During the segment I turned to Destiny and said, “if Punk kicks him in the head during any part of this I will forgive him for everything else”. The segment ended, and CM Punk brushed some dirt off Triple H’s jacket and let Dwayne be the most important person in the room.
Of course, all that changed by the end of the night. So … ignore those two paragraphs.
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Thanks, Tom. Great choice in television programming, by the way.
Worst: Way To Get The Guy Who Can’t Talk Anymore To Be Your Ring Announcer
It’s important that we never forget or undervalue Bret Hart’s contributions to pro wrestling. He’s one of the best in-ring performers ever and was, more or less, the only good wrestler WWF had for the like two years when Macho Man was descending into kaleidoscope cowboy hat madness and Mr. Perfect wasn’t doing anything but falling down. Bret made good matches great and bad matches good, and for better or worse he helped kickstart the Attitude Era, turned Stone Cold Steve Austin into a superstar and voiced the best wrestler cameo in the history of television. Bret isn’t the best there is, the best there was OR the best there ever will be, but he’s on at least two of those lists.
Now, that all being said, some combination of age, stroke and Canadian has made Bret unable to form a complete sentence with all the right words in it, and he shouldn’t be invited to speak on a microphone or introduce anything. THE ONE THOUSAND EPISODE OF RAW! I WANNA INJOO-GINGTRODUCE and so on. I love you, Bret, just ease comfortably into that Stu Hart role of waving from the front row and secretly being able to Old Man Stretch dudes.
Best: Miz Is Doin’ Thangs!
Miz was 100% BIG BEAR on Raw, taking advantage of Christian’s inability to turn the f**king Killswitch to completion in under half an hour and win the Intercontinental Championship. It’s a step back from where he’s been, but probably a great step forward from where he’s been LATELY and a better fit for him in general. In a better world, he’ll spend the next year or two wrestling guys who can actually go instead of pratfalling for Cena and Rocky and finally get up from that plateau he skidded to death on before his championship WrestleMania.
I also liked the BE A STAR campaign clip featuring Miz, where he tells EACH AND EVERY ONE of the kids that they’re awesome, and you just KNOW he doesn’t mean it because he dropped in the bad words. I want to see him hug and child and be all, “WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU PEOPLE CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE”. Also, the hug would be in the form of a full nelson.
Best: Regis Philbin Namedropping The Destroyer
One of the most unexpected Bests of the night goes to Regis Philbin for being one of the only celebrities WWE ever talks to who actually likes wrestling. Contrast him talking lovingly about The Destroyer (like he’s about to tell you an exciting story in kindergarten) with Charlie Sheen’s opportunistic ass checking his wrist notes to say he can’t wait for The Rock to have a match at Royal Rumble brand pay-per-view show.
The only downside of this video is that this is the first time my brain ever thought, “Oh God, Regis is going to die, isn’t he”. That sounds dramatic, but it isn’t. I’m not a huge Regis Philbin mark or anything, he’s an avenue of popular culture I rarely walk down, but the guy is 80 years old and has spent the last five years having triple bypass surgery and getting hip replacement and blood clots removed and suddenly I’m seeing Dick Clark and Bobby Heenan in my head. The inexorable march of time is an asshole and I hate it, and death is mean. Can we hurry up with the immortality jazz so Regis can be fine, and the best celebrity wrestling fan doesn’t have to be f**king 8-year-old-brained Shaq?
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uh
Worst: Charlie Sheen Telling Daniel Bryan To Man Up
Charlie Sheen is in L.A., and so is SummerSlam, and I’m going to be there. If God exists and loves me, Charlie Sheen will walk down to the ring to ‘Wild Thing’ and wave at everybody for a few minutes, then Daniel Bryan will stomp out, throw one kick to the arm that shatters Sheen’s entire body and the remainder of SummerSlam is just The American f**king Dragon stomping the shit out of him for every time treated a woman badly. Just stomp him right to death in front of everyone. Then we all chant YES, Bryan hugs me and the next season of ‘Two And A Half Men’ starts with Ashton Kutcher in the LeBell Lock.
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/facepalm
Worst: Paul Heyman Is Absolutely Right About These Monstrous Assholes
And now a promo segment from the magical land of Narnia, where bullies are the people who say mean things to you and not the ones who punch you repeatedly, and mentioning a “man’s family” is instant grounds for dismissal for any lawsuit in the United States court system. Inappropriate Ponytail Theatre, everybody.
But yeah, the worst part of a segment like this (and they do them fairly often these days … years, whatever) is that the guy we’re supposed to boo is making a convincing point, and the guy we’re supposed to cheer is acting like a troglodyte. Triple H is being sued by Paul Heyman for assault, so what happens? He threatens to assault him over and over until his wife shows up, balls in purse with her American Gladiators first-leg-of-The-Eliminator walk, to tackle him and punch him a bunch.
I just don’t understand why it happens this way. In the WWE Universe, you CAN’T BRING A MAN’S FAMILY INTO THIS, just like the time Triple H didn’t break into Randy Orton’s goddamn house and assault him in front of his wife. “My family” and “troops” are the safe words for WWE babyfaces, and it sucks. You shouldn’t just be able to go YEAH BUT MY FAMILY and excuse everything. Heyman is totally right — Triple H and Stephanie’s kids have the worst role models ever, a mother and father who got married in secret to overthrow their grandfather’s business, then lied about it by saying their dad kidnapped, drugged and raped their mom while taking her to Vegas and marrying her while she was knocked out. Triple H and Stephanie are AWFUL PEOPLE (the characters, not the people) (also awful people) and no amount of verbal threats will change it.
Again, this segment should’ve ended with Heyman bashing Stephanie in the head with a cell phone or something and running away, because we’re supposed to hate him and think he’s doing something unfair to the 6-foot-whatever 280 pound guy who is a legendary champion and also runs the entire business. The entire THIS business.
Best: Everything About Brock Lesnar Except Him Losing Easily To Guys
When Brock’s music hit and Stephanie was noogying Heyman in the ribs, I thought OH YEAH NOW YOU’RE GONNA DIE. Lesnar charged into the ring and started throwing shoulder blocks and it was GREAT, and then Triple H fought back, cleared him from the ring and made him THROW SHIRTS~ and curse a lot on television.
Now, ignoring the whole “when Triple H is off screen, people should be asking Hey Where’s Triple H” aspect of the fight, why would you do this with Brock Lesnar? You have him for what, 20 shows? A bunch of those are gone. If a UFC Champion monster has 20 dates, don’t you use 19 of them to make him look like the SCARIEST, MOST UNSTOPPABLE GUY IN HISTORY and let somebody beat him and look great on day 20? So far you’ve had him bloody John Cena’s nose, spend 30 minutes having intense business discussions about his feels, lose to John Cena’s terrible fireman’s carry and get consistently emasculated by Triple H. HE’S A COWARD! JUST A COWARD! HE WON’T FIGHT ME BECAUSE COWARD! HE BROKE MY ARM AND IT DIDN’T EVEN HURT BECAUSE MONEY MAYWEATHER BOUGHT ME A ROBOT CAST AND NOW I’M FINE!
Just … I don’t know, let Lesnar kill people? Why is this hard?
Worst: Nice Of Austin To Show Up In Video Game Form
Apparently Stone Cold Steve Austin is:
1. Filming Grown Ups 2, which sounds GREAT
2. Hurt, and on crutches
3. Also filming 16 other direct-to-DVD movies with titles like GUN SEASON where he wears plain t-shirts and holds guns at you and at some point breaks Vinnie Jones’ or Nathan Jones’ or whoever’s neck
so he couldn’t make it to Raw, and his only appearances on the 1000th episode of the show he guaranteed would stay on the air for another decade is in video packages and a losing effort to John Cena in WWE 13. It’s unfortunate, but at least now that little girl who got kidnapped can be saved, and Adam Sandler can bring in another sports guy to punt a duck or whatever.
Best: Santino And Hornswoggle As Stuffed Animal Delivery Buddies And Absolutely Nothing Else
The United States Champion and the guy who clandestinely ran your show for like a year contributed to Raw 1000 by walking around the ring with Rasslin’ Buddies and giving them to random strangers who had enough money to buy front row tickets to Raw 1000 already. My ideas for the characters were as follows:
1. We reveal that Hornswoggle was behind GTV (his name has two Gs in it), drove the Hummer on Nitro (he crashed because he couldn’t see), raised the briefcase (while dressed as the Big Bossman) (Little Bossman) and was the person John Laurinaitis was texting all along. Hornswoggle is then stuffed in a crate and shipped off to OVW, where he will be repackaged as “guy without WWE Contract”.
2. Santino walks into the legends locker room just in time to see Jake Roberts DDT George Wells. Roberts makes Santino lie on the ground and drape his arm across Wells’ chest, and poor Wells vomits white stuff everywhere.
My version of Raw 1000 was very different. The endings were the same, though!
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HOW DOES THIS HELP ME
Best: ‘Sup, Lita
how you doin’
stayin’ away from those yokel junkies, i hope
Best: Heath Slater Is Now Drinking Heartily In Sovngarde
I love that Stone Cold Steve Austin was hurt/busy and Goldberg reportedly turned them down, so the third biggest star they could come up with was Lita. When she grabbed the microphone to add an addendum to her challenge, I thought maybe Edge was well enough to run out and give OMB a Running Hug. Destiny asked, “Matt Hardy?” which made me laugh for a day and a half, and imagine Hardy tromping through his townhouse or whatever with a pistol, trying to find the Heath Slater ghost haunting him and threatening to steal his angel blood. APA was a pleasant surprise, not because I like the APA — I don’t, they’re garbage — but I love JBL and will accept any kind of on-screen beerdrinkery to get him involved.
The actual payoff to Slater’s match was fine, with the legends showing up to be the WrestleReunion version of that wall in Final Fantasy IV that keeps creeping forward to kill you, but they didn’t really tell a story, did they? Slater got arrogant, leading to a bunch of random people wanting to kick his ass, standing around backstage waiting for him to say something similar to their catchphrase so they could trot out and pin him. I was hoping the ending would be him learning that the power to be a legend is IN HIS HEART or whatever, or maybe have the Legends pick him up and pat him on the back for trying to fight them all … anything, really. Instead we just have a backstage video where Jeff the production guy says “Heath, you got beat by a girl” and OMG going C’MAWN MANNNN.
If I was in charge of Raw (and I shouldn’t be), Raw 1001 would start with Slater going “okay, facing legends sucked, I want to face the least experienced people we have”, leading to him facing NXT guys on Raw. Have him beat a few of them and run into Kassius Ohno or whoever at SummerSlam. You know, give TV and pay-per-view time to people who are not goddamn Road Warrior Animal.
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Tout is still new/under ridiculous micromanagement so some of the Touts don’t come with embed codes. Whoops!
Regardless, I want to include a pair I couldn’t embed directly onto the page, starting with this one from Brandon/site favorite Lobster Mobster. Listen to her words and heed them.
Best: SEAN MOONEY, Y’ALL
It’s probably impossible for me to explain how happy I was to see Sean Mooney. I’ve mentioned a lot that I was an NWA kid growing up, but I LOVED Sean Mooney, mostly because he showed up as the host of the greatest baseball blooper tape ever, The Un-Official Baseball Handbook. Sometimes I feel like I was the only person who had it on tape, but it SHAPED me. To this day I write baseball jokes for a living, and if you know me well enough to know about my mascot photo psychosis, know part of it comes from this video package. Let’s GO! ONnnnn with tha SHOOOOWWWWW
Sorry, report’s over, I’m just gonna watch this tape for the rest of the day.
Worst: Do Not Make Me Live Through Rock/Cena II
Rock ran into John Cena backstage, and for most people it was their first teaser for TWICE IN A LIFETIME: JOHN CENA VS. THE ROCK for the WWE Championship at Royal Rumble. For me, it caused my face to do a hissing, Marceline The Vampire Queen scary face thing, crash through my upstairs window and fly away into the night.
I don’t ever want to write about those two guys beefing again, and if you make me it’s just going to be Taylor Momsen GIFs and pictures of baby sloths.
Best: I Want A Video Of Fozzie Bear Doing Non-PG WWE Catchphrases
This was cute, and basically anything with a Muppet on it these days makes me watch with my mouth open in happiness, but
1. Does Fozzie realizes Rock does that thing with his tongue during the Smell What because he’s mimicking licking a lady’s vagina? That’s what he’s doing, he’s eating poontang pie. Don’t emulate that, Fozzie.
2. And if you’re gonna make Fozzie emulate cunnilingus, at least give him a funnier catchphrase to work with, like X-Pac’s YOUR ASS IS GRASS AND I’M GONNA SMOKE IT or Val Venis’ COCKED LOCKED AND READY TO EXPLODE. Would Fozzie Bear brag about how he’s Always Pounding Ass? Just use this innocent bear to remember how f**king crude you were for a decade, WWE, that’s what I’m saying.
3. Best catchphrase every is Konnan’s “THAT’S ENOUGHHHHH” and I’m sad Nitro clips didn’t make the cut.
Best: Your Favorite Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Moments, Sponsored By Tout
The second COME ON WHY WON’T YOU EMBED ARGH Tout comes from another Brandon/site favorite, BookSavvy. My response is below.
Best: Me And Destiny Having Very Different Reactions To The Brothers Of Destruction
I’ll be honest, when Jinder Mahal’s entrance theme started up I went OH MY GOD MUHAMMAD HASSAN IS BACK FOR REVENGE and briefly marked out before falling back to Earth and having everybody else’s reaction to Jinder Mahal’s entrance theme.
Anyway, I watched this segment with Destiny, and we had two very different reactions. I was indifferent to Jinder Mahal bringing out this gang of undercarders to be a thing and then have them immediately not be a thing because Drew McIntyre was the only guy there I liked, and if it’d been Drew Mac, Derrick Bateman, Johnny Curtis, Ricardo in his Chimaera gear, whatever Brodie Lee’s name is now and like, Raquel Diaz I would’ve pitched a shitfit. I did wonder why they stood outside and watched while the Undertaker walked to the ring instead of just ganging up on Kane and beating him to death for five f**king straight minutes, because it’s not like Taker’s gonna interrupt his image to rush down to the ring and help anybody. Then I laughed, because Taker couldn’t get off his LayCool hood properly. Then I got bored, and then I laughed about how Kane and Undertaker looked like they were about to f**k each other.
Destiny’s reaction to the entire thing: “So cool!”
She’s a better wrestling fan than me.
Best: Are You Tired Of These Touts Yet
https://vjs.zencdn.net/c/video.js
Thanks, Papermint!
Worst: World Title Matches That Start At 10 PM On Your Three Hour Show And Have Ref Bumps And Two Run-Ins
WHO GIVES A SHIT ABOUT THIS 10-O-CLOCK-ASS MATCH, BECAUSE
BEST IN SHOW: AND WE ALL FORM ONE DARK FLAME MOTHERF**KERS
“F**K! YES! F**K YES!” (this was the other one)
In one jumping clothesline to stop a People’s Elbow cold (and cause Rock to lie on the ground in epileptic shock like his eyeballs were about to roll out of his head), CM Punk justified and vindicated an ENTIRE YEAR of him wearing Triple H’s jacket and shilling ice cream bar novelty t-shirts and being John Cena’s RESPECT PAL by taking Eve and Big Show’s advice and TAKING BACK HIS SPOT.
I don’t know where this is going to go (and frankly it’s not really a heel turn … people in WWE challenge each other by punching now, so what Punk did was no worse than literally everything Sheamus does, it just doesn’t have Jerry Lawler Owen Voicing a thing about him TURNING HIS BACK over it), but if it leads to Punk throwing the spinner belt in the f**king garbage and refusing to pander to people who just want someone to pander to them and becomes the Voice Of The Truly Voiceless again … Jesus, I’ll be the happiest wrestling fan in the world. I already had a little extra spring in my step this morning, because one of my favorite wrestlers stopped being a dipshit for the first time since last August.
Thank you for doing this, Punk, whether it leads where I think it will (a three way dance with Big Show and Cena at SummerSlam) or where I want (Otunga, McGillicutty and Mason Ryan showing up on Raw in New Nexus shirts like nothing happened because they never disbanded). If it leads to you immediately shutting Rock up every time he appears from now until X I’ll buy every stupid ice bar shirt and collectable pendant and wristbands set you can shill. Never be Cena again. Never again.
Best: And Now, Probably The First Ever Tout From A Dog
https://vjs.zencdn.net/c/video.js
I appreciate the effort anyway, buddy.
Best: Top 10 Comments Of The Night
Dennis Haskins
DXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Lobster Mobster (aka “credit for a joke, part one”)
Bryan is just a fan of the Fat Boys, so the groomsmen are dressed up as (Dis)Orderlies!
Dagotron (part two, for being the first person who said it)
Wait, why isn’t that hand half black?
KaitlynsThighs
There was once a old man walking home in the snow. He stumbled upon a snake that froze in the ice. Well, he put that snake in his coat, and he carried it home, and he thawed it out, and took care of it, and nursed it back to health. And as soon as that snake was well enough, it bit him. And as he lay there, dying, he asked the snake, “Why? I took care of you. I loved you. I gave you your life back.”
That snake looked the old man right in the eye and said, “Dwayne Johnson, you stupid old man—I’m the Best in the World.”
RonSwanson
Looks like someone finally put his balls where his purse is.
SHough610
“You’ve all been bullied? Then stop being a bunch of little homos!” “We should really stop having Brock give these Be a Star speeches”
Lester
Moments later, 9 of those kids were brutally attacked from behind.
Tobogganing Bear
I hope Cena’s briefcase is filled with springy snakes.
Ricky The Steamboat
I like to think Sean Mooney was out barefoot in a field picking flowers when he got the call to be on Raw.
Burnsy ☆
Charlie Sheen really knows how to shoot, am I right, Kelly Preston?
Thanks again, everybody. See you next week, unless I’ve died for real.