– Another huge thanks to Dennis Haskins, Action Bronson, Derrick Bateman and the over 6,000 comments that made our Raw 1000 Open Discussion Thread the most populated and commented-upon UPROXX thread ever. If you want to spend the next two hours laughing, go skim through that. I could’ve included 200 top comments.
– Before you read the Raw 1000 report, be sure you’ve read The Best And Worst Of WWF Monday Night Raw, Episode 1. The Executioners show up in it, and they’re pretty great.
– Thanks as always to Casey of Hammerlock Dialectic for gifs.
And now, the Best and Worst Of Raw 1000 (July 23, 2012), lovingly presented by Tout.com.
Worst: I Do Not Like Any Incarnation Of Your Dumb Group, Triple H
Okay, I admit it, I lied. I watched the first 22 minutes of Raw when I said in last week’s column that I wouldn’t. I gave into the hype, and Mr. Belding was here getting all excited for the show and I couldn’t help myself.
At the risk of starting off the big Raw 1000 column with eight paragraphs of negativity, here is a quick list of things I liked from last night’s D-X reuniting segment:
1. It was sincere. They looked and sounded like they were having fun in the ring, and whether you like a guy or not, someone sincerely having fun is infectious. I’m especially happy for X-Pac, whose previous decade highlights included getting brainbustered onto a turnbuckle pad by El Generico and beating the shit out of his girlfriends.
2. Shawn Michaels’ “didn’t there used to be MORE of us?” suggested a complete D-X reunion, but we were gracefully spared Porno Chyna. Oh, and Hornswoggle. I would’ve liked to have seen them drag out Rick Rude’s casket and do a bunch of crotch chops on it, though. That was be the most Attitudinal thing ever.
3. It was a brief reprieve from Super Serious Triple H, who is the coolest and toughest and strongest person alive and also the boss of you, and also his hair smells nice.
What I didn’t like about the segment could fill the rest of the report. I get it, you guys. A lot of you spent your wrestling childhoods watching WWF’s Attitude Era and love nostalgia, but I have two big hang-ups: I didn’t grow up watching the Attitude Era, and I’ve got a strong memory so you’ve got to get SUPER OBSCURE for me to feel any kind of real nostalgia twang. If you ask me if I remember Ninja Turtles, OF COURSE I REMEMBER THE F**KING NINJA TURTLES, I loved the Ninja Turtles for like four years. Why would I forget them? I don’t care if there’s a Ninja Turtles movie. But if you’re like, I don’t know, “Hey, remember Grimm’s Fairy Tale Classics on Nickelodeon? It was like an anime show, and they did a gritty-ass Snow White episode” I go GASPPPPP and spend the rest of the week trying to find it online.
And frankly, f**k D-X. They were never “cool”. I don’t like watching wrestling and being constantly reminded that I’m watching wrestling. Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler get I’M ALL ABOUT THAT Finn The Human eyes and reminisce about the time D-X invaded WCW or the time they spraypainted WWE Headquarters with a big stick-on decal, but they never mention Little Peoples’ Court or the time they put a rooster on a t-shirt because rooster meant “cock” and sold it to children, or the times they ate bananas on Raw because bananas look like cocks, or the time Triple H accidentally shot Chyna with a fire bazooka or when Shawn and H made out or how for like six years D-Generation X’s entire schtick, they’re ENTIRE PURPOSE AS A PRO WRESTLING STABLE was to point at their own dicks. Can you imagine someone approaching Vince with an idea like that today? What happens if Michael McGillicutty walks into Vince’s office and says “hey boss, I’ve got a great idea for a character, I’m gonna point at my dick all day and little kids will love it”?
Shawn Michaels was a great pro wrestler, and that carried early D-X to whatever relevancy they deserved. After he left, they replaced him with 3 guys whose combined moveset was “dance hit people with my balls or asshole” and they were terrible no matter how happily you remember them. I loved Erik Watts when I was 12, but eventually I grew the f**k up and admitted that Benoit was better and should really be kicking Erik Watt’s ass in.
Best: A Martyr For Sophistication
I was doing dishes when Sandow’s music hit, and I went “F**K YES!” and ran into the living room. This is one of two moments on the show when I yelled “f**k” and “yes” out-loud. Guess the other one!
I didn’t even mind him getting dispatched like a jobber by a gaggle of balding 40-somethings in camo pants and novelty helmets, at least he got to say “what are you, a bunch of dumb idiot babies” to their faces. The best thing the WWE Universe can do now is form a “you know what, Sandow’s right, we should probably have higher standards and read more” and REALLY turn him into a martyr. Additionally, monkeys should fly out of my butt.
It was pretty disappointing that Lesnar didn’t magically show up, handcuff everybody to the ring ropes and Murder Death Kill D-X in front of a sobbing Triple H like most people were predicting. What is Shawn Michaels’ purpose on Raw if it isn’t to get super concerned and die? D-Generation X reunites, and the only reason why is because we like them. Shaking my head so hard right now.
Best/Worst: Darkest Timeline Jim Ross
Good, old Jim Ross gets a Best for being Jim Ross and showing up at the announce table, then immediately gets a worst for bailing after the first match. I guess he knew he wasn’t gonna get to talk about wrestling for another hour and 15 minutes and said some Okie variation of “nuts to this”.
Best: Your Favorite Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Moments, Sponsored By Tout
Thanks, Dot Biz!
Worst: You Have Three Hours And You’re Still Doing 5 Minute Six-Man Tags? Really?
If you’re like me, you heard Sin Cara’s music start up with Rey Mysterio in the ring and thought, “wow, really? Okay, cool!” and paid attention with excitement for the 2-to-40 seconds it took your brain to realize they were probably tagging against somebody, and the additional 2-to-40 seconds it took to realize this was one of those multi-man tag things where two guys stay in the ring for four minutes, everybody hits a signature move on someone and then Sheamus wins. Sheamus doesn’t even have to be in the match.
The match itself was fine, aside from a little sloppiness and the absolute terror of social media during Sin Cara matches. Are you aware that Sin Cara botches wrestling moves from time to time?
The highlight for me was Dolph Ziggler’s
glorious Raw 1000 ass roll attempt to spear Rey Mysterio off the apron to keep him from Jump Sitting to the outside, then having them run at each other like Ninja Gaiden before Rey flies off in one direction and Ziggler keeps spearing down the ropes. It was a great little moment to make wrestling seem real, even if the reality is a guy in a mask jumping off a short platform to assail a man with his crotch.
Special note: This match was 5 minutes long and was the only 5 minutes of wrestling in the first hour and a half of Raw. A wedding, the interruption of that wedding and the post-wedding bitching about the wedding were all longer than this match.
Worst: Charlie Sheen Is The Perfect Ambassador For Pro Wrestling
Charlie Sheen was an actor who made some popular films in the 80s, established a gimmick, tried to wash away his successes with booze and drugs and hookers until stumbling into a weird, mailed-in parody of himself and eventually turning into an amped-up exaggeration of Original 80s Charlie Sheen because he’s too mentally disabled and desperate for a pop to say no. Sound familiar? Do I need to get Mickey Rourke to act it out for you?
How funny is it that Charlie went from their official CELEBRITY TWITTER AMBASSADOR or whatever to “guy reading wrestling press releases on Skype”? They don’t even tell you a wrestler’s Skype name in their hype graphics! They should’ve just told him to type “wrestling” into Wikipedia and read what he sees.
Jerry: “CHARLIE! WHAT’D YOU THINK OF THAT LAST MATCH”
Jerry: “I LOVE IT!”
Charlie: “me too, uhhh my favorite moment definitely was when … Hulk Hogan did … armbar”
Best: Your Favorite Best And Worst Of WWE Raw Column Moments, Sponsored By Tout