If you’re like me, every life choice you make requires one simple question: “What would The Rock do?” One thing he does, according to 538, is eat 5,000 calories per day to maintain his buff body. Think about all the trash with which you fill your body on a daily basis and it’s probably not even half as many calories as that.
Well, if you want to be The Rock, you can’t take any days off. The Rock doesn’t take any days off from being The Rock. Thanksgiving is a holiday, but it’s also an opportunity to eat like The Rock in front of your family so you can show them you’re doing something with your life. “Shut up, mom. I need to eat this way to be The Rock.”
That’s right — this Thanksgiving, we are giving you the gameplan for eating like The Rock.
What exactly is 5,000 calories worth of Thanksgiving food? It’s a lot. So be sure to check with this handy list when filling your face.
5,000 calories worth of:
Turkey: According to Grandparents.com (this thing is impeccably sourced), four slices of roast turkey is about 320 calories. So to eat like The Rock, you need to put down around 63 slices of turkey. I hope your family prepared two turkeys.
Stuffing: It’s about 350 calories per cup of stuffing, so open your mouth and cram about 14 cups of stuffing. You probably won’t be able to smell what The Rock is cooking because stuffing will be coming out of your nose.
Mashed potatoes: A cup contains 237 calories, so do the math and you’ll learn that’s 21 cups of mashed potatoes. I’m starting to get a little nauseous and we haven’t even gotten to pumpkin pie yet.
Green bean casserole: It’s also 350 calories per cup, so that’s 14 cups to get to 5,000. If you have to choose between this and stuffing, go with stuffing. The color of your green bean casserole puke on the table will scar your little cousins for life.
Cranberry sauce: It’s just 110 calories per quarter cup, so that’s about 12 cups of the second-grossest thing on the table.
Biscuits: At 170 calories per biscuit, you’re looking at 30 biscuits. Ever eat two biscuits? You’re out of room, right? Now imagine having to eat 28 more. No one said becoming The Rock would be easy.
Pumpkin pie: This is heavy, but at 320 calories a slice, you’ll need eat 16 slices, which is just about two full pies. I’m going to pass out just writing this.
If you want what I think is the best game plan to get to 5,000:
12 slices of turkey — 960 calories
3 cups of stuffing — 1,050 calories
3 cups mashed potatoes — 726 calories
2 biscuits — 340 calories
7 slices of pumpkin pie — 2,240 calories
That’s a little more than 5,300 calories. Even if you don’t want to do this, make sure you eat something on Thanksgiving, because if you fast, The Rock will be furious. (This is Thanksgiving content, no one will ever see that joke.)