Welcome back! This is our second Total Bellas recap of the season, and the second episode was every bit as good as the first. If you want to find our other Total Bellas coverage, check out the tag page. And you can find all things Total Divas right over here. So without further ado, let’s get down to business and recap the latest episode of the greatest television franchise known to man. The Bellas and their fellas!
This week’s episode opens with Brie talking about how much she likes sex with her husband. And we’re off to the races! If you recall, last week we learned Daniel Bryan likes to approach sex like he approaches wrestling: with maximum effort and attention paid to psychology and making sure everyone in the building goes home happy.
To hammer this point home (lol hammer), we see how long Bryan is taking to enjoy his delicious lunch. It’s just like their sex: slow but good.
YEAH EAT THAT SH*T YOU SEX MANIAC.
Back at Chez Nena, Johnny Ace gets a chance to show off his pitch-perfect Elvis impression. Which consists of him wearing sunglasses and curling his lip.
We get some pretty wonderful lovey-dovey stuff between Johnny and Mama Bella, who deeply care about one another in an authentic way.
Later, John Cena is teaching Brie how to drive stickshift! This should go SUPER well! At least he teaches her how to drive stick in a car with no windows.
She is having difficulty getting the hang of manual transmission and is really grinding the hell out of those gears. Amazingly, Cena displays immense patience with someone who is ruining his car, yet he’ll get a Masada-sized bundle of sticks up his butt about someone not wearing shoes at dinner. Go figure.
At a family gathering later with Lexie, JJ’s sister-in-law, Bryan unveils his new slogan that he came up with: “Bellas Gonna Boss.” You know, because it seems like they’re always ordering people around. Then he laughs in his wife’s face.
Daniel Bryan: stealth dickhead since Season 4 of Total Divas. He then goes on to explain how Kathy bosses JJ around, Nicole bosses Kathy and Brie around, and Brie bosses Bryan around. Cena explains that he fires Nikki every time she tries to be his boss, but Bryan says he’s just given up and accepted that Brie is his boss now.
Bryan finds out Cena taught Brie how to drive stick and he’s offended, because he’s driven stick his whole life and could have easily taught her any time. “Yeah, but John’s a professional,” offers Nikki, explaining that he had to get “certified” in “cars” when he filmed one of his movies. Man, I want to get certified in cars. I think you can teach that. In retaliation, Bryan says he should get Lexie to teach him to swim, because although Brie knows how to swim, she wasn’t on swim team, so she’s more of a professional, just like Cena!
So Daniel Bryan can only dog paddle and tread water, apparently. That’s wild! Everyone gathers at the pool to watch Bryan get his lesson and Brie apparently gets jealous of all this quality time Bryan is putting in with his apparently better-than-Brie-endowed marginal relative. Brie tosses some unwanted shade at Lexie.
Then she leaves in a huff. Lexie is somehow like … cool with all this? What a weird family.
The next day, Cena is worn out from his shoulder rehab, which he describes as “all day, every day.” Then he has to head out to more rehab! Nikki begs him not to go, but HUSTLE LOYALTY REHAB, I guess.
Nikki goes to a doctor’s checkup on her neck and we get a look at the gnarly-ass screws in her neck.
This lady is wrestling with that stuff in her neck! That “Fearless” logo on her gear isn’t just blowing smoke.
Before they leave the doctor’s office, Nikki asks if Brie will pull her pants down for her so she can use the restroom. Back at home, Brie asks if she just has to hold up her dress for sex while she’s injured so Cena can just pound away. Nikki says not really, but that would be nice sometimes! She then goes into detail on her and Cena’s love life: sometimes they go through the “whole preparation,” sometimes they have quickies, sometimes they get wild the Nena boning situation is a rich tapestry. Brie is clearly quite jealous of their impetuousness and says she really needs to get laid.
Brie then goes through her “sex process” with Bryan, which includes lighting candles and a light-up geode. Brie says the light-up rock is a recipe for instant sex time.
Nikki, of course, mocks Brie for being hopelessly vanilla.
Suddenly, we’re at the week’s formal dinner, and afterward, the men retire to the “man’s room” and the women do likewise. As per the Cena mandates of 2016. In the men’s room, Johnny Ace reveals that he’s trying to get a prenuptial together before he marries Kathy. He says Kathy is against the idea at the moment, and JJ thinks that’s fairly suspect. YOU’RE NOT MY REAL DAD, JOHNNY ACE.
Cena, of course, tries to convince Johnny that the prenup is the best possible idea and that he should have the conversation with Kathy. He says if the conversation is awkward, he can feel free to throw Cena under the bus.
The next morning, Bryan and Brie come down for morning coffee looking quite disheveled. They’ve apparently just had a quickie, and Bryan feels like going back to bed. Bryan complains the reason he hates quickies is because the only place you feel it is down there. Down where?
Yes, exactly. After the quickie, Brie discovers that she also doesn’t like quickies. She likes the candle and the rock. She also explains to Nikki that they boned in the bathroom, because otherwise they would have had to make the bed again because of Cena’s dumb house rules. She also reveals she put her clothes back on and didn’t shower and Nicole is completely disgusted by all the fluids that must be involved now.
Cena joins everyone for morning coffee and– OH HAI JOHN.
I didn’t see you there.
Nikki tries to get them to tell Cena what happened, and Brie says he doesn’t want to know. Cena agrees. Nikki then immediately says, “They finally did a quickie and didn’t shower” and we get a top 10 Cena Baffled Face.
“I just said I didn’t want to know. And you actually waited until I conceded that I didn’t want to know.” You’re great, Cena. Never give up.
At Bellas lunch out, the kids are talking to Kathy about when she’ll be marrying Johnny and JJ is like “really think about whether you want to marry him,” because apparently this will be Kathy’s first marriage, and JJ was very hurt by how the first two ended. JJ says she has a “trend” of divorce and that she rushes in too fast with men. Kathy rightfully gets pissed about it and says, “What if I brought up every f*cking mistake you guys made?”
The next day, Bryan joins the others for morning coffee after his phoners interview and then everyone makes “boner/phoner” jokes, even Kathy! They’re all proud of mom for her boner joke!
Cena leaves for the day and then Nikki asks for help giving her a spray tan. GOTTA KEEP UP THAT SPRAY TAN ON REHAB, Y’ALL. Bryan helps get the spray gear up to the bathroom and then bails and Nikki admits she just wants to hang out with people because she’s incredibly lonely with Cena leaving all day. Brie asks if she’s told him that, and Nikki says no. Brie says she has to come clean with him.
That evening (or whatever), Bryan and Brie show up for the evening fire with some wonderful shirts on, because they happened to run out of whatever other shirts they had at the same time, and also they packed these ones:
Brie isn’t having wine with the others, because she’s saving her remaining calories for the day for her dinner out with John. She only has 320 calories left because she had a big lunch. And by “320,” she means “negative 127,” because she had a REALLY big lunch. Cena is baffled as to why she would just lie about that. He doesn’t care about Nikki going over, he just wanted to have a nice dinner with her because he finally has some free time, but she lied. She tries to convince him to watch a movie with their protein shakes, but he’s miffed. Now that he can’t take her out to dinner, he’s going to actually do something productive. Ha, what a dick.
Nikki tracks him down and he admits he’s aware that he’s been neglecting her and unfortunately, when he has to focus on getting better, he pushes everything else to the back. He’s going to work on making it better. What not a dick!
Later, Brie goes to the Performance Center to train with Lana. Lana! Brie needs to make sure she’s in shape for her last match. Lana (speaking without an accent; DEATH OF KAYFABE) finds out for the first time that WrestleMania will be Brie’s last match and she is SHOCKED:
Brie says she’s sad, but she’s excited to start a family. She says she definitely won’t miss worrying about her gear, and her makeup, and all the dumb little crap she has to worry about, but what she’s really going to miss is the actual wrestling, and the ring. As stupid as it is, I am SUPER not prepared for Lana’s normal voice. Leave the memories alone. At least they’re prepping us for that before she joins the cast of Total Divas in a month or so.
Brie and Kathy are driving home and Kathy says she and Johnny have gotten the wedding ring. Brie talks about how Cena told them Johnny wants a prenup and Kathy says he hasn’t brought it up to her. She isn’t upset that he wants a prenup; she’s upset that he’s talking to other people about it and not to her. She says he should have some flippin’ balls to talk to her. FLIPPIN’ BALLS.
Kathy and Brie call Nikki from the car, because they’ll be late for evening fire. Nikki has her on speaker and says she and John are going out to dinner and tells her everyone’s there. Kathy says she’s excited to see JJ, but not Johnny so much. Everyone looks at Johnny and he has a pretty good reaction.
They tell Kathy she’s on speaker phone and Kathy sort of visibly makes the scared Scooby-Doo sound. JJ then says “You’re done” to Johnny. Haha, JJ is the biggest sh*thead stepkid. John Cena expertly fakes a bad cell phone connection and he and Nikki leave for dinner while the others wait for Brie and Kathy to arrive.
Kathy tells Johnny she knows about the prenup and she’s just upset that he talked to everyone else instead of her. Johnny handles this all super well and explains these are his family members now and he should be able to talk to his family. He remains calm and rational and they kiss and make up. That was like the best resolution of an argument on reality television ever.
At lunch with Nikki and JJ the next day, JJ suddenly changes his mind and has Johnny’s back, because it means a lot to him that Johnny did feel close enough to the guys to talk to them about the situation. In JJ’s words: “Johnny is aces.” Kathy then reveals she and Johnny are getting married on a yacht in three weeks! Okay then!
Next week: Bryan works with trainees at the Performance Center and JJ wants an NXT tryout for some reason! See you then!
